My dear friend, known here as The Poet Deploreate, shares some of his delightful writing this evening and will be available to chat in the comments. I am away this week on my trip to Ireland.
Fractured Fairy Tales
I just need to set the record straight. Sure, I realize that stories evolve over time, they change
and are tweaked by story tellers to match the zeitgeist- and the audiences through the ages.
Still, there’s a beginning, and a fundamental truth to every story that shouldn’t get lost to the
depredation of time. The stories behind the story, as it were.
Let’s start with Rapunzel. Who knows if she had beautiful hair? It was long, alright, but she
always wore it in tightly woven, rainmbowed dreadlocks. I never saw it dressed any other way.
Her hair may have been sort of blonde, but it certainly didn’t shine. And while she could have
easily tossed it over the balcony for her lover to ascend- it was long enough and then some-
there was a back door to the tower she lived in, and it was rarely locked. She may have been
isolated, but she had all the company she wanted. I can attest to that personally. She had a
sweet disposition and did not suffer fools gladly. I can personally attest to that as well.
The Seven Dwarves? First off, you must admit, that’s some pretty archaic language. And the
fact is, there were only three dwarves, plus three midgets, and a very short Italian guy with a
chip on his shoulder, named Giacomo. The contract with the Small Peoples Union required
equal representation in the workforce- but I have no idea how Giacomo got the gig. Before
Disney got a hold of them, their names weren’t quite as bucolic as he made it out to be. Their
real names were Gassy, Tugboat, Skeeter, Pecker, Bernie, and Flounder. They liked Snow White
well enough, but they hated it when she would invite the animals of the woods into their
cottage to help her with the housework. I remember having a beer with Bernie, and he told me
there was bird-crap all over the house every time she opened that damned kitchen window.
Bernie also tried to tell me that Skeeter and Pecker were lovers, to which I said, ‘love is love’.
That shut him up.
Pinocchio- don’t get me started. First off, they left out the part about the rumors of Geppetto’s
uncomfortable and unseemly interest in kids – which is why he made the wooden puppet in the
first place- to avoid real kids. And it wasn’t Pinocchio’s nose that got longer when he lied if you
catch my drift. Some of the local teenagers used to hang out with him and try to get him to tell
lies, then sneak out back out behind the woodshed with him. Pinocchio was very popular.
Little Red Riding Hood? With goodies in her little basket for grandma? Nope. It was loaded with
knockoff Gucci bags and fake Rolexes. She would toss a few bagels on top of her merchandise
to hide it from the cops as she made her rounds. She was a nice kid- the only merchant who
would allow people to work up a tab. That’s why the wolf was so pissed at her- she finally had
to cut him off when the tab got too large. We’d see him running through the woods with three
clinking faux Rolexes on each leg, making sure everyone could see them and hear them
clattering. Until it was time to pay up. He was a poser. Little Red Riding Hood also ran numbers
on the side. Very entrepreneurial.
Sleeping Beauty is another story that has been reshaped over the years. She was asleep alright-
because she was suffered from a diagnosed case of narcolepsy. Prince Charming, on the otherhand, had necrophiliac tendencies and marginal hygiene. He was so excited when he found her
lying still on that bower in the woods. Thought he’d won the lottery. He kissed her, and when
she woke up, it scared the crap out of him, and he took off like a scared rabbit. Sleeping Beauty
eventually married a guy who owned a bunch of parking garages somewhere near Miami. She
would still sleep for days at a time, though. She never outgrew that. A great kid.
It isn’t all doom and gloom, and National Enquirer scandals, though. There were a lot of happy
and more pragmatic endings. For instance, in his retirement Captain Hook opened a very chic
accessory shop in Manhattan specializing in alligator products. Trendy to this day. He also spent
a very short season as the Captain of the Donald’s yacht, the “Why Pay?”. Hook complains to
this day that he never did get paid.
Peter Pan finally grew up and became a choreographer. Tinkerbelle became a voting rights
activist, and founded a feminist think tank. She is now a professor of women’s studies at
Hahvard. Jack of Jack in the Beanstalk fame? An organic farmer out in Iowa. He’s been so
successful that he’s set up his mom with a sweet little Café near Ottumwa, where she serves a
special bean-brownie confection.
After the Big Bad Wolf vacated the premises, the three little pigs rebuilt their homes, and
formed a construction company specializing in tiny houses and green construction products.
Quite successful.
Dumbo established a very lucrative aerial videography business. Jiminy Cricket bought a house
in Vermont and retired to live under its front steps.
Yeah, it’s a mixed bag of tales. I hope that I haven’t offended my readers by digging a little
deeper into some of our oldest and dearest stories. Just remember, the truth will set you free.
Kitchen Table Kibitzing is a community series for those who wish to share a virtual kitchen table with other readers of Daily Kos who aren’t throwing pies at one another. Drop by to talk about music, your weather, your garden, or what you cooked for supper…. Newcomers may notice that many who post in this series already know one another to some degree, but we welcome guests at our kitchen table and hope to make some new friends as well.