I was reading Atlas Shrugged when the power went out. That's when the roof collapsed, and my cell went dark, and I could hear the weirdly high-pitched screams of those trapped people that sounded like music from hell itself. Anyway, it gave me some time to think about things.
You know what? I believe America is great, because we fight for individual liberty. But we're also great when we pull together and help each other out. That's an important aspect of our national character too. It's what I just realized three or four hours ago, when I ran out of potable water.
An expression of this sense of community is our government. It's one thing to be critical of it, but it's quite another to say that government is always the enemy. I for one would be really, really happy to see some federal workers right about now. Especially if they brought antibiotics.
A government big enough to give you everything you want is big enough to take it all away - that's what Ronald Reagan said, and it's true. But having a government big enough to buy some rescue helicopters wouldn't be so bad, would it?
Many of my fellow Republicans have been saying we should roll back regulations, and let businesses make money so they can power our economy. I get that. But some regulations are necessary. Like that contractor who offered the lowest bid on the storm water drainage system. The government definitely should have regulated him. It should have regulated the hell out of him.
I still think we needed to make those budget cuts Paul Ryan wanted. We did that for our kids. But I've been doing some soul-searching after standing in my own urine for most of the night, and I've come to the conclusion that maybe raising some of those tax rates could have helped us cut a bit less of the important stuff, like funds for FEMA and equipment for first responders. It could be the hypothermia talking here, but maybe we should have let the Democrats have that one.
I guess I'm just rethinking my whole philosophy about the relationship between the individual and society as a whole. We don't just create every opportunity for ourselves by hard work and sheer willpower. We exist as part of an interdependent network of people - real human beings whose basic needs should be our concern, if we want to be a part of a society. That's why I truly believe we have to move beyond the selfishness of pure capitalism, and why I think you all should let me on your raft so I don't die.
(NOTE: Read a piece on my psychotic Creationism freakout here.)
DES MOINES – Appearing together on stage for the first time, Republican Presidential nominee Mitt Romney and former Vice-Presidential nominee Sarah Palin had harsh words for the administration of President Barack Obama.
“By even mentioning that he did not like an anti-Muslim video, Obama has put all Americans in grave danger,” said Romney, smirking. “And when I say Americans, I’m not including troops overseas, because I’m only talking about important things in this speech.”
Romney added that all speech of all types must be free, lest the United States become a totalitarian dictatorship.
It’s 3 AM September 11, 2013, and the phone rings in the White House. On the phone is the duty officer at our embassy in Tajikistan saying an unruly mob, angered by yet another obscure, childish, and intentionally inflammatory anti-Islam film, has gathered outside the embassy walls and is threatening to scale them and tear down the U.S. flag in protest. Not just that, the duty officer relates, “but they are in the process of spraying graffiti all over the embassy compound walls.”
On Friday, Republican officials in the State of Kansas revealed they are considering removing President Obama from November's presidential ballot.
The Kansas State Objections Board is considering removing President Barack Obama from the November ballot because of doubts over his place of birth, according to the Topeka Capital-Journal.Joe Montgomery, who filed the ballot challenge that is now being pursued by Kansas, said, "there is substantial evidence showing that much of Mr. Obama’s alleged birth certificates have been forged or doctored, and have not been confirmed as legally valid, true and accurate.”
The panel of Republicans, which consists of Secretary of State Kris Kobach, Attorney General Derek Schmidt and Lt. Gov. Jeff Colyer, received a complaint from a resident who claimed Obama was not a natural born citizen and therefore ineligible to be president.
In response, White House press secretary Jay Carney told Jake Tapper, who broached the topic at an afternoon presser:
There is substantial evidence that the State of Kansas itself is forged or doctored.The White House also released a statement indicating that the Justice Department is now looking into whether or not Kansas has defrauded the United States all these years.
Just look at the borders: the state's almost perfectly rectangular right smack in the middle of the country. It's almost as if those lines have been completely made up.
And the name. Kansas? Isn't there already an Arkansas? Doesn't sound true and accurate to me.
"If we find that Kansas was not actually born in the U.S., and is not actually an original member state but a fraud, we will be forced to remove it from the electoral college," the statement read.
Officials are waiting for Kansas to prove its membership by delivering to the White House verified copies of its original constitution, as well as proof that the rock band Kansas was named after the state, and not after the Kansa Native American tribe (which formerly inhabited the area).
So far, Kansas officials have yet to produce the required documents.
"We'll see what happens," Vice President Joe Biden, who submitted the petition questioning Kansas's legality, told ABC News. "Me? I'm not holding my breath."
After more than a week of what has been described by political pundits across the political spectrum as an "utter disaster", their "darkest hour", and even as "arrogant and stupid", the Romney-Ryan campaign has released a statement that they have decided to shake up the campaign by parting ways with former Governor Williard "Mitt" Romney. Campaign Adviser, Eric Fehrnstrom is quoted as saying that "After long consideration, the Romney-Ryan campaign has decided to go another direction. Occasional course corrections, including personnel changes, are quite common, and we don't feel this will cause any problems as we move towards Election Day."
Campaign insiders, however, say that the firing of Romney came about after a long string of missteps, gaffes, and an inability to appear animated or even life-like when interacting with voters at campaign events. It's also been rumored that he was causing distress to staffers when visiting campaign offices. Said one such staffer, "It was just kind of uncomfortable the way he would shake my hand, introduce himself, and laugh in that creepy way of his every time he stopped into the campaign's headquarters. He never seemed to remember my name, and after the fourth or fifth time, I finally reported it to my supervisor." Said the same staffer, "You know, with all of the campaign funds we're raising, we really should be able to afford to hire a better quality of candidate I would think."
Campaign insiders are saying that they have not decided when they will hire a replacement for Romney, but in the mean time, they are performing focus group testing with the use of a standing cardboard cutout of the former candidate. So far, results with "Flat Mitt" as he has been dubbed, have been largely positive, and it is hoped that the campaign's sinking poll numbers can be salvaged long enough by to see them through the tough weeks of campaigning leading up to Election Day on November 6th.
Publicly, according to campaign advisers, Governor Romney wants to spend more time with his money, and for the time being, the rest of the Romney family will remain with the campaign. Congressman Paul Ryan, Vice Presidential candidate on the Republican ticket has not yet commented on the personnel change, as he was attending an important P90X caucus function, but one highly placed source within the campaign has cautioned that, "This is indeed a campaign of ideas, and no one individual is irreplacable."
Mitt Romney's campaign, desperately trying to stem the bleeding caused by a secret video published by Mother Jones, described it on Wednesday as "debunked and selectively edited."
The effort was so bold and brash – so over-the-top chutzpadik – that it has since inspired an epidemic of Americans similarly declaring their recorded acts as "debunked and selectively edited."
The first to do so was former Boston Red Sox first baseman Bill Buckner – whose egregious error in Game 6 of the 1986 World Series led to Boston's demise.
Immediately after word came that Romney's team had "debunked" an unedited video, Buckner released his own statement:
"I have come to the conclusion that the video of the slow roller that went through my legs has been debunked and selectively edited.Soon after Buckner's statement, the floodgates opened this afternoon as countless politicians and on-air personalities, famous for embarrassing moments, realized they could debunk whatever the hell they wanted.
Here's just a partial list of those who today have debunked their recorded moments:
- Sarah Palin Tweeted, "The lamestream media's attempt to discredit me is debunked! My interview with Katie Couric was selectively edited!"
- Former President George W. Bush's representatives emailed reporters, "That moment in which shoes were thrown at the President in Iraq has been debunked. The video was selectively edited, and left out Bush thanking contributors to his shoe donation drive post-press conference.
- Bill O'Reilly debunked his infamous, profanity-laced freakout on today's show, stating, "That crap everyone says was my freakout has been disproved, mother f*ckers. Thing was selectively edited."
- Ernie Enastos, the newscaster who gained fame by declaring on camera "keep f*cking that chicken," ended tonight's broadcast by declaring, "And finally, video of me saying "Keep f*cking that chicken" has been f*cking debunked!"
- A Fox 5 reporter, whose legendary grape-stomping story on wine making ended in one of the most dramatic falls on television, declared the video pure bunk. "You don't even see me on screen! That's because that video's been debunked and was selectively edited!"
With this debunking epidemic in full swing, parents groups are up in arms, worried about the messages such debunking will have on our youth.
"Today my daughter asked if she could debunk the math test she got a C- on yesterday," said Gloria Honelly, founder of Parents for Integrity. "The kid's only nine. She shouldn't even know what debunk means."
John Presby of Children Must Learn by Example agreed: "Now everyone's going to want to debunk stuff. You'll have children debunking their messy rooms. Teenagers debunking the clear cigarette stains on the passenger seat. College students debunking early start times for classes. Where will it end?"
This appears to be the question everyone is asking: where will it end?
"Romney's gotta end this," continued Presby. "After all, he started it."
Ever since watching Spike Jonze's Being John Malkovich, I've had an unhealthy obsession with the idea of inventing some way to portal into the minds of public figures.
Sure, there have been personalities in the past who almost pushed me to pursue such a project – you know, the Sarah Palins, Rick Santorums, and Jen Rubins of the world. However, I never really reached that "Dude, you've so gotta do this" moment.
That is, until now.
What happened? Well, I was eating a late breakfast of Cocoa Puffs in my plaid bathrobe, scrolling through the latest headlines when I came across this:
He said that. Out loud.
Rising from the couch and making a B-line to my mad-scientist lab in the basement, all I could think was, "If he says things like that aloud, just imagine what's going on behind closed doors in that brain of his!"
Luckily for me, the University of Utah had recently discovered cold fusion. And so, after generating enough juice with my cold-fusion-powered XBox Kinect and spending countless hours trying to penetrate Mitt's mind, I am here to say that I created a portal for the ages.
I. Got. Inside.
Now, before you get too excited, I was only there for eight minutes and forty-seven seconds. But holy spinning shitballs on a plate, it was a beautiful eight-plus minutes.
When I gained access, he was in some hotel room. Couldn't tell where exactly, but it doesn't really matter. Anyway, he was in a white dress shirt and brushing his teeth before a mirror. He's an intense brusher, by the way, which might explain what happened next. He lost his grip and the damn thing flew into the toilet.
Mitt was cursing up a storm, staring down at the thing. And then it came, this thought of his:
Why don't they have covers that go over toilets to keep things from falling in them that you don't want to fall into the water and get wet?Now, I thought the guy was just joking – a bit of self-deprecation after the ribbing over his windows comment today. Of course he knows some toilets have covers, I thought. He's not serious, right?
And I soon learned that this guy, Mitt Romney, is a walking thought-emporium of greatness, his mind a cognitive Wal-Mart. Because looking down at the tooth brush, he thought:
Why don't tooth brushes have strings on them, like eye glasses, so you can put them around your neck? Then they wouldn't go flying all over the place.Before I could even scream, Dude, you don't want a rope around your neck attached to something you're vigorously shaking, Mitt wandered into the bedroom. He turned on the T.V. and flipped a bit until landing on one of those wild Japanese game shows where contestants are forced to do all sorts of fail-inducing feats. Mitt loved it, giggling up a storm until some poor guy was forced to balance on fitness ball standing up while dodging flying water balloons.
Mitt looked at the guy and thought:
Why don't our feet have wheels on the bottom? That would make things so much easier, like when you need to get somewhere real fast or have to balance on a fitness ball.There was a knock on the door, which broke Mitt's revelry. It was room service. The guy who wheeled in the food was Latino. After he nodded and left (without a tip!) Mitt opened up one of the silver trays and thought:
Why can't I be Mexican? It would make my life so much easier.I wanted to scream in his ear that he was being fucking served food on sliver platters when he suddenly dropped the platter and screamed in pain. I guess a bit of steam escaping from one of the dishes got him, because he thought:
Why can't we make steam be cold instead of hot? That would make eating hot, cooked meals so much safer.Why can't we make steam cold? I looked out upon the meal Mitt was about to eat, some filet of something or other, and just prayed my thanks for this man.
Thanks for this man whose brain I had suddenly entered. Thanks for this man who wants airplane windows to roll down and our feet to have wheels on them.
And as my portal's power ceased, as I began to be sucked back into my own head, all I could do was continue to give thanks.
Thank you, Mitt Romney, I thought repeatedly. Thank you for running for president.
The snow's still coming down. Let's face facts: None of us are getting out of here before spring. Supplies are almost gone. Sooner or later we're going to have to do, y'know... that thing we all talked about. As you know I never duck the tough calls. So I went ahead and made the List. The order goes: Steve, Ted, Alice K., Alice C., Gene, Me, then Margie.
You don't have to thank me. I knew someone had to step up and face that terrible, gut-wrenching decision and be a leader. Someone had to save this party. Knowing I did what I could for all of you - that's thanks enough. I just...What?
Well I considered a variety of factors before making the List - physiological, demographic. It's pretty complicated. I'm a real detail-oriented guy. I don't know if you could follow all the... I'm sorry you're upset, Steve. But maybe someone shouldn't have been greedy when we found that deer carcass a week ago. Clearly you have to go first; you're all bulked up. Ted has shin splints, so that's why he's next.
Look, I expected criticism. That's what happens when you make an unpopular call. Everybody carps. Everybody second-guesses. But I don't think anyone wants to come up with their own... No I can't go first. Because I'm in charge, dammit. Someone has to be the boss. Someone has wrestle with these awful dilemmas. If you get rid of me the whole thing'll fall apart.
But I am willing to compromise. I'm reasonable. Tell you what, we'll bump Margie up to the top. She's twelve; she's had a good run. Honestly, I could do without her complaining. I just want you to know I'm not afraid to be disliked. It comes with the job. It's just one of the sacrifices you have to make.
(NOTE: Read my foreign policy debate with a talking Captain America doll.)
Today was another day on Mr. Bus. (I have decided to call this bus Mr. Bus, because even though it is not the original Mr. Bus, it is a good enough bus, and there are only so many names for things that can be thought up, after all.)
Today for nourishment we stopped Mr. Bus at a roadside Wendy's. It was a pleasant enough experience, except that the reporter units wanted to discuss the latest polling numbers with me. I explained to them that this is a Wendy's, and everybody knows you do not discuss polling numbers while at Wendy's! These people have no sense of etiquette at all.
I have had to do a lot of explaining lately, and I am getting a bit tired of it. I am beginning to think the commoners are even duller than I had feared. I had to explain that my health care plan does indeed cover people with preexisting conditions, in that if you already have your preexisting condition covered, I will not stop you from having that. I have had to explain that my tax cuts to my fellow wealth units will be paid for by all the jobs they will likely create with their extra money. I have had to explain that I have indeed had a foreign policy all along, and I have just never mentioned it before because it was not important. I have had to explain that the polls have not shown me leading my opponent because those polls are misguided, unless they do show me leading, in which case they are not misguided.
All of these seem simple enough concepts, I do not know why they need to be repeated so often.
While at Wendy's I obtained a photograph of myself with the Wendy's staff. This will hopefully demonstrate to the commoners that I can be in close proximity to them without firing them, thus further increasing my perceived likability.
Yesterday my flight to Dallas was cancelled. Today it’s delayed due to rain. So here I sit languishing at La Guardia again.
Public air travel is the worst. Reagan should have privatized the whole thing when he busted the air traffic controllers' union. Once Mitt is elected I won’t have this problem.
Anyway, to pass the time here in the SkyLounge, I’m researching Western-style belt buckles for my second set of Republican clothes. As I said yesterday, Becoming Republican isn’t as simple as I thought it would be. You need both $3,000 suits and “common man” get-ups. For the latter, per George W., big shiny belt buckles are key.
At this point, I’ve definitely decided to get Don’t Tread on Me and Lone Star buckles, and, of course, the Screaming Eagle. Those are pretty much givens.
I’m not sure about the Southern Cross of the Confederacy – as a Northerner I have some squeamishness about wearing the Confederate symbol.
I wonder -- is my squeamishness regional or is it holdover from my former life as a Democrat? Since Becoming Republican, I find it difficult to engage in self-reflection.
Also I wonder if it would be considered gauche to wear the Don’t Tread on Me and the Southern Cross buckles at the same time.
I’ll have to ask George W. when I get to Dallas.
New Fragments of Ancient Scripture Found; Authentic Says Hierarchy, Requires Faith
Rome – October 4, 2012 – The Feast of St. Francis - Officials within the Vatican have confirmed the recent discovery of fragments of early scripture hidden deep in the archives of the Vatican Library that reportedly support Church teaching on a variety of current cultural and moral issues, and social teachings.
In a statement issued today, The Vatican Under Secretary for Social Control confirmed the discovery saying, “This is an important finding, one in which the teaching of The Church, and of our brother Christian Churches throughout the world, is confirmed.”
The Vatican would not confirm how the scripture fragments were discovered or where they were authenticated and translated. In announcing this discovery, The Vatican provided a translated narrative of the ancient fragments.