His takedown of Texas nut jobs, which apparently includes Governor Gregg Abbot, begins at the 5:13 mark of the clip. Transcription and video below:
Stewart: Now, uh, I hope that settles it. The question, of course, is the incident in Texas an isolated event or part of a troubling trend? We've been hearing about this this fictionally for a while now.Watch the segment here:
(Clip of news broadcasters talking about ISIS sneaking into Texas via the Mexican border, knocking on the door of Texas)
Stewart: Oh, that's easy—just don't answer. Just turn off the lights and lie there. But, never fear. Uncle Sam is not going to let ISIS ring and run you, Texas. In fact, not only is the U.S. military conducting training ops right now for missions against ISIS-like groups, guess where they are doing them?
(News clips about training exercises in Texas and 6 other states, dubbed operation "Jade Helm 15")
Stewart: Ah, Jade Helm 15! I have that issue. It's uh, she imprisons Captain America, I think. Rest easy, Texas. Good guys with guns are on the case.
(Clips about Jade Helm 15 conspiracy theories, military preparing take over Texas and declare martial law)
Stewart: You know who's calling it a Texas takeover? Lone star lunatics. Dallas dipshits, Houston assholes. Texas, there's no Texas takeover. The United States government already controls Texas. Since like the 1840s and then you left and came back and...just borrow a textbook from a neighboring state, it's all in there.
Here's how un-belligerent the U.S. military is towards Texas. They sent a Lt. Colonel to a local Texas town hall to waste his time.
(Clips of Lt. Colonel explaining to town hall that this is merely a training exercise to train troops for combat overseas. Town hall attendee: "It is preparation for martial law." Lt. Col: "It is not a preparation for martial law." Attendee: "That's what you say." Brief shot of woman with her face-palming.)
Stewart: See that right there? That's the face of someone realizing there not getting around to the public comments on the planned parking lot down by Kroger's. Not today, not in this meeting.
But, come on. Crazy people attending a local town meeting isn't a Texas-specific story. The constitution says you can't hold a town hall meeting without crazy people. I think it's in there. It's not like this is being taken seriously by anyone who holds actual power.
(News clips of Texas Governor Gregg Abbott ordering the Texas National Guard to monitor U.S. military operations in Texas)
Stewart: Oh, dear lord. Yet another waste of Texas funds that could have been spent on actual threats—like your infamous chainsaw massacres. I mean, Texas, it's not that I don't find it adorable that your governor thinks your state guard could take on the United States military. It's like a little dog growling at a big dog. Or, an 8-year-old picking a fight with the predator. Um, but enough of the fear-mongering. All these types of exercises have been going on in Texas for years, right?
(News clips of previous large military training operations in Texas)
Stewart: Yeah, in Texas, Operation Roving Sand. In fact, one Roving Sand operation was the largest military exercise of its' kind in history. But, did then pre-oops Governor Rick Perry start spreading fear about a Texas takeover? He did not. Texas was fine with the concept of widespread military operations in their state in the 2000s. I don't know what's changed since then (photo of President Barack Obama)...ohhh, right. America elected a brutal, socialist, Muslim, Kenyan, ineffective, Harvard-schooled constitutional professor, agitator, warlock. So, Texas, it appears you are on the verge of being taken over by ISIS...or the United States of America. So, you have a choice to make. and when you make it, you have to remind yourself–and I never thought I'd be saying this—what would Rick Perry do?