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I grew up among social and religious conservatives - the kind of people who like Duck Dynasty and Chick-fil-A. Many of them might have been supporters of Santorum or Huckabee, and the older ones might have grown up with Pat Robertson. As we discuss cultural conflicts in America today, I really feel like I can give many of my readers some insight into who they are, and how best to approach the delicate task of negotiating the parameters of our civic and economic engagement.

My position, in short, is this: Fuck them. Fuck them all. Those people are assholes.

Allow me to elaborate. And when I say "elaborate" I mean "repeat myself." Fuck them. Fuck them all. Those people are assholes.

Seriously. They are awful. They are the worst. Being fair to them isn't something you need to worry about.

I can guess your objections. Don't people have a right to be terrible to others? Absolutely and truly terrible? What about that Voltaire quote about defending to the death and somesuch? That's a good point, and I could understand how that might give you pause. So let me address it by saying you should almost never hunt these people for sport. I think that's going too far. You shouldn't hunt them for sport or lock them in a warehouse and force them to struggle with a series of lethal traps while being menaced by a clown puppet.

Yes, of course they do have the right to believe gay people are inferior. Everyone has that right. Just like everyone has the right to believe people of other races and religions are inferior. And you could argue about this in a theoretical way, which conservatives like to do, because a theoretical discussion distracts us all from the facts of our shared history in this country.

But the facts are clear. Social and religious conservatives have a well-documented record of denying rights to people. Of throwing people out of communities, refusing them service at lunch counters, and bullying them everywhere. Homophobia, like racism, and like sexism, has a death toll associated with it. It also has centuries of oppression and misery associated with it. These aren't theoretical considerations. This isn't a free speech issue. At stake is whether we give social and religious conservatives the power to continue marginalizing everyone who doesn't agree with them. Because yes, they will absolutely do anything and everything they can get away with to make life miserable for people who don't make their list. They have, they do, and they will. So it was in the beginning shall it be in the end.

I've worked with these people, I've gone to school with them, and I've lived in their neighborhoods, and they are more psychotic than a Scientology video. They believe in a God who will spend eternity torturing the majority of human beings - the majority - in the worst ways you can think of, and that this God will do that hideous thing as an expression of His perfect love. They believe this nation belongs only to them, and that they have a duty to bring it to obedience. They don't respect the rights of women, because they really don't think women are equal, or that their bodies belong to them. When the cameras are videoing, they might slip and say they might feel uncomfortable with gay marriage - but when the cameras are off, they will say that being gay really should be a crime, and that God uses disease and natural disasters to punish this country for our tolerance. Hell, many of them have said such things publicly.

No, they don't want equal rights. That's a stupid thing to believe. Every election we have one or two candidates who represent those people, and they make it quite clear what they want.

I want a country where they have exactly the same level of respect as racist skinheads. Exactly that. No one gets to throw a rock through their shop windows, but everyone agrees that they're pretty vile. Gay kids are killing themselves because of the crap these people believe. They are pretty vile.

Will they look like the underdogs in my liberal dystopia? Will they whine about their mistreatment? Will they complain that it isn't fair?

Yes. Of course. Good.

Because fuck them.



THE BLACK BOOK OF CHILDREN'S BIBLE STORIES is about faith and loss, and a haunted house hidden so well you didn't notice you'd been living there your whole life. BUY IT HERE.

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My name is Tom Cotton, and I'm the junior US Senator from Arkansas. You may not understand this, but Congress is a coequal branch of our government. We share some important foreign policy duties with the president. That's why I'm about to wander through the streets of the capital until I find a foreign official, and then I'm going to punch that person as hard as I can, just to see what happens next.

I bet it'll be cool.

The president can make agreements with other nations. But the US Senate performs an important role to advise and consent with him. It's right there in Article 2! Barack Obama thinks he's the only one who gets a voice. But we need to remind him he's not the boss. That's why I don't know who it is yet, but the person I punch will be at ambassador level or higher. I'm not just going to deck the export minister of some crap-bag country no one cares about. It'll be a major nation, and the guy I take down will be someone you recognize on TV. It's about respecting the office.

Plus I don't want to brag, but I have military training and I work out. If I whale on some soft, middle-aged dude who's not even expecting it, because he probably thinks I just want to meet him for a photo op or a junket, he doesn't stand a chance.

I might even do this throat-strike thing I saw in a movie once. The people who put me here don't deserve any less. We count too, you know! I want to make sure I act as a check on the president. So I'm going to put someone in the hospital, cause an international incident, and derail decades of painstaking diplomacy. Just like James Madison would have wanted.

Republican voters gave me a mandate to make sure Barack Obama is responsible to all Americans. That means he's not supposed to negotiate with foreign countries by himself. Or even respond to national emergencies or act as Commander in Chief, or any of the other stuff he wants to do, because folks like me are going to shut the government down so they can't put you in FEMA camps or force you to get gay-married to Frenchmen. I've been up since 4 am, pounding Red Bulls and reading the Constitution, and when I'm done one of those blond Fox women will interview me.

I'm from Harvard. Did I say that? That's right. Fucking Harvard, okay?

I know the law. I know my rights. I represent a major political party of a great nation and the proud state of Arkansas. Plus I've been practicing my moves in the mirror. Believe me, they are sweet.

THE BLACK BOOK OF CHILDREN'S BIBLE STORIES is about faith and loss, and a haunted house hidden so well you didn't notice you'd been living there your whole life. BUY IT HERE.

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Like many of our fellow countrymen, my son's talking Captain America doll seems to be well-meaning and extremely patriotic. However I believe his ideas about the uses and limits of military force are dangerously simplistic and naive. I asked him to engage me in a discussion about our differences, and he graciously agreed. Below is the result:

Captain America:



Bibeau: I'm glad you brought this up, Captain. This is exactly what's wrong with your way of thinking. Military combat is your first response to a conflict, and it should be the last. I'm not critiquing you as some kind of pacifist, mind you. I know that war is a sometimes necessary evil. But it is deadly, costly, and it creates long-term problems that no policymaker can foresee. A friend recently recommended Errol Morris's excellent documentary, The Fog of War. I think you should see it.

Capt. America:



Goblinbooks: This just makes the problem worse. Your cavalier attitude toward violence alienates potential allies and helps our enemies recruit others who view the United States as a country which does not value foreign lives. No, Capt. America, it wasn't a nice takedown. There's no such thing. As Camus observed, "To the bereaved mother, there is no armistice."

Capt. America:



Goblinbooks: And after Hulk smashes, what then? We leave the occupied country with its infrastructure destroyed and its people enraged, only to have them retaliate at a time and place of their choosing? Or do we engage in a protracted effort to help them rebuild, fighting a lethal counterinsurgency until our force is exhausted? Hulk may have won us a tactical victory, but he inflicted on us a terrible strategic defeat.

Capt. America:



Goblinbooks: Okay, now you sound like a Weekly Standard editorial. Defend the world? Really? Don't you even realize that this is a logical absurdity? That if we are in fact defending the whole world, there is nothing to defend it from except itself? Of course, the fact that this objective is foolish and hopeless, the fact that it can mean nothing for us but death and heartbreak, does not stop people from attempting to attain it. I wish you were alone in your delusional interventionism, Captain. But you are not.

Capt. America:



Goblinbooks: At last, something we can agree on. This nation faces a variety of threats, and it needs all her citizens to help defend against them. But I would argue that some of the most dangerous threats are not hostile armies. They come from within. What about the threat to Constitutional liberties from an unchecked intelligence apparatus? And certainly there is the huge economic threat we face, because we have a massive military and a community of defense contractors with enormous political power. As we continue to occupy bases around the world, we will face the threat from resentful populations who will form terrorist groups and continue to attack us. And finally, we will face the greatest threat of all: The threat that Americans will grow so cynical at a foreign policy that violates our principles and exists beyond democratic control that they will simply give up on this noble experiment. And then it will quietly and irrevocably collapse in a thousand ways, all around us. Are you going to fling a shield at that and make it go away?

Capt. America:

Goblinbooks:
I didn't think so.

THE BLACK BOOK OF CHILDREN'S BIBLE STORIES is about faith and loss, and a haunted house hidden so well you didn't notice you'd been living there your whole life. BUY IT HERE.

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Ben Carson has gotten into trouble for saying stupid things, but the man is not an idiot. He's a brain surgeon. The potential Republican presidential candidate is a renowned doctor who was director of pediatric neurosurgery at Johns Hopkins. His extreme religious and social conservatism - he rejects Darwin's theory of evolution - is not the product of ignorance. He's too gifted for any of us to say that. In fact, back in 2004 he performed an operation so complex and difficult it became famous. Dr. Carson separated conjoined twins attached at the head.


"The surgery would involve 11 intricate steps — each one ranging from one to five hours, each one more difficult than the previous step," according to the article about it in Johns Hopkins MagazineThe children shared an intricate web of blood vessels which needed to be carefully divided in a grueling procedure. It is a powerful testament to Carson's intellectual gifts and his determination to help people, and it's exactly why you shouldn't vote for him.


We now know - scientists from a variety of disciplines have gathered a mountain of evidence, and no responsible person can deny it - that life on earth has evolved over the course of billions of years. The processes that created our genetic variation involved countless random accidents, and only through an often cruel process of natural selection could order come from this. Nature is obviously, heartbreakingly indifferent to us and our to happiness. But we can use our incredible intelligence to improve our lives if we face our world squarely.


You know a perfect example of this sort of thing? Twins conjoined at the head.


Anyone who argues that a Supreme Being is up there designing every living thing perfectly and directing all the births and deaths, really, really needs to ignore stuff like twins conjoined at the head. That doesn't add up. It's either an awful error by a blind, motiveless system that depends on error for its dynamism, or it's the product of a malice that approaches Cthulhu levels. My intellectually honest, thoughtful Christian friends admit all this. Natural selection is at work, the world is baffingly cruel, and who knows why it happens? The problem of evil ultimately doesn't have a neat solution. They have faith. Fine. Fair enough.


But if you can spend as much time as Dr. Carson did using the tools of science to save two children from a sickeningly cruel flaw in their own bodies, and you can still say we were all designed perfectly - just a few thousand years ago in a flash of impossible brilliance by a Being who doesn't want us to question whether His scripture matches up with what we can learn about the universe - well, that's worse than ignorance.


That's denial. That's crazy, industrial-strength denial.


Dr. Carson has demonstrated talent and intelligence, and also the ability to look at two and two and actually see five. And that has important repercussions for how he will make science and education policy for this nation. Hell, I wouldn't trust him to enforce tax laws knowing what we know. I say this with respect for his professional accomplishments: He is not qualified to run the executive branch. 


He'll definitely fit in with the rest of the GOP candidates however. I have great faith in that.

THE BLACK BOOK OF CHILDREN'S BIBLE STORIES is about faith and loss, and a haunted house hidden so well you didn't notice you'd been living there your whole life. BUY IT HERE.

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Wait. Wait just a minute. You gotta give me a second to wrap my head around this. I mean, I'm kind of the expert on weird, completely unexpected twists, but this is too much. Just too much. I got that report on your department, and I'm still trying to process it.

Okay. Tell me if I'm wrong on this, but does this mean that you guys were a bunch of racists from the very beginning?

Whoah.

At first I thought I had to be reading that wrong. Crude bigoted jokes around the department - really nasty stuff - rampant harassment on the street, and a cop releasing a dog to bite some 14 year-old kid. It just didn't make sense. It wasn't the story I thought I was following, you know?

Man, that reveal was incredible. The cops were actually racists. My mind was blown, man.

But now that I'm thinking about it, I guess the signs were there, weren't they? I didn't see it at first, but now that I know what the end is, I can go back and piece together all the telltale details. Like the fact that there were almost no African American officers on the force. That slipped right by me, but it was like a great big steaming clue. Also, when people protested in the street, and the cops turned out in military gear like an occupying army and harassed every journalist? Yeah, that seems clearer to me now. Wow. I totally missed that.

Also the dead guy. I mean, that's really the biggie I guess.

In fact, the more I think about it the weirder it seems that I didn't get it right then. The officer shot him multiple times, and they just let the cop walk almost immediately. I really should have assumed that was kind of the key to the whole thing. The only problem is that it's kind of... common. Cops are out there killing black people all the time, you know? It's been happening everywhere.

Wait. Hold it.

Holy crap! Hold on a second here. Because if this is really the sign, then that means this racism - this crazy, absolutely unbelievable account of racist cops - it might not only be in one ass-backwards town out in the Midwest. This racist cop thing might be... it might be all over the place.

Is that it? Is that what this is about? Did I get it? Wow. That's a hell of a story.

Jesus, what if it were true?

THE BLACK BOOK OF CHILDREN'S BIBLE STORIES is about faith and loss, and a haunted house hidden so well you didn't notice you'd been living there your whole life. BUY IT HERE.

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I worry about Iran. I really do. And I'm glad at least some of our leaders see it for what it is - a lawless nation. It's a threat to peace. Anyone who pays attention knows that.

Iran, let's never forget, was the only country ever to use nuclear weapons against civilians.

Sure, that happened a long time ago. But they've continued to spend billions of dollars every year to support the only country in that region with a secret nuclear weapons stockpile, a country that commits war crimes and actually tried to spread its atomic arsenal to evil regimes like apartheid South Africa. That record is clear.

We can't make false equivalences about this - as if Iran were just like any other nation that wanted to defend itself. Iran is an aggressive power on a global scale. It has a network of military bases around the world. It backs bloodthirsty authoritarian states and then uses them to torture prisoners for information in a hideous "rendition program." It simply destroys governments it doesn't like, covering its actions with lies and phony excuses to its own citizens. This pattern of destabilizing other countries to break them apart and create puppet governments goes back a century. And the pattern continues to poison our relationship with Iran. How can a country make a deal with a government that constantly shows it wants to topple it? How can peace be possible with such a nation?

The country has never been a responsible player in the region. Who can forget how the Iranians supported Saddam Hussein as he committed atrocities with chemical weapons, only to topple his administration on a ridiculous pretext of hunting for WMDs several years later? Who can forget the civil war and terror that followed as they occupied that country? The torture that went on in Iranian detention facilities? The constant stories of Iranians killing civilians?

Iran is not a country to be trusted. It has a massive campaign of kidnappings and targeted killings. It violates the civil rights of its own people; they've gotten used to constant government surveillance and political elites who repeatedly hide the truth from them about what they are doing in the world. It crushes dissent and imprisons whistleblowers. It's a violent, deeply autocratic country, and no responsible person should want it to have unchecked power.

What makes the country truly scary is its religious ideology. You've no doubt heard of the people there who support hardliners in the Middle East, because they really welcome a bloody, apocalyptic war for their faith. They're fanatics, and they have a great deal of power within the government. But even more disturbing is that the vast majority of ordinary citizens in that country believe in a kind of national "exceptionalism." It's been with them since the founding of their nation - it drove them to take over most of their continent, fighting war after vicious war with the locals and their neighbors. It causes them to believe their values are universal, which gives them a ready-made excuse to prosecute an unceasing, completely borderless war. And with this is a curious ability to rationalize their many betrayals of those values. We're dealing with the kind of country that pretends it has a mission to forcibly liberate the entire world while ignoring the fact that this liberation is really nothing more than blanketing the planet with military complexes and secret prisons. It's the kind of country that has an inexhaustible supply of enemies, but never asks itself why. It's the kind of country that idolizes a man whose only accomplishment was killing 200 people, and a country that responded to this by making a movie entirely about what killing all those people felt like to him.

Do you understand the kind of arrogance and ignorance this would involve? The complete fevered certainty that they are a light unto the world combined with a total contempt for the lives of foreign citizens? How could anyone deal with a nation like that?

The best course of action is to wait for all of this nonsense to create so many enemies for that country, and so many wars, interventions, coups, and counter-coups, that it just collapses under the political and economic strain. Clearly, that's what everyone else has decided as well.

You can't reason with these people. They're hopeless.

THE BLACK BOOK OF CHILDREN'S BIBLE STORIES is about faith and loss, and a haunted house hidden so well you didn't notice you'd been living there your whole life. BUY IT HERE.

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One Level Below Ground
Die Roll
1 Kobolds (3-12)
2 Goblins (2-8)
3 Hobgoblins (2-5)
4 Steve Doocy
5 Berserkers (1-4)
6 Brian Kilmeade
7 Gelatinous Cube (1)
8 Racists (2-5)
9 Angry Racists (1-12)
10 Stirges (1-2)
11 Bandits
12 Skeletons/Ann Coulter (1-6/1)

Two Levels Below Ground
Die Roll
1 Ogres (1-6)
2 Thieves/Footpads (2-5/1-2)
3 Ghouls (1-4)
4 Lawyers/Lobbyists (1-8/2-5)
5 Carrion Crawler (1)
6 Karl Rove (1)
7 Ettercaps (1-4)
8 Giant Ticks (1-2)
9 Orcs/Interns (5-20/5-20)
10 Drow Elves (3-18)
11 Racists who say they're not racists, they just believe in old-fashioned values (1-4)
12 Ochre Jelly (1)

Three Levels Below Ground
Die Roll
1 Wererats (1-10)
2 Bugbears (2-8)
3 Bill O'Reilly, naked, chasing a terrified hooker with a chainsaw (1)
4 Dopplegangers (1-4)
5 Gretchen Carlson, trying to tunnel her way to freedom
6 Wights (1-3)
7 Displacer Beasts (1-2)
8 Rupert Murdoch's animated skinsuit (1)
9 Umber Hulk/Sean Hannity (1/1)
10 Harpies (1-3)
11 Tour group of racists (1-10)
12 Balor/Dick Cheney getting into makeup (1/1)

THE BLACK BOOK OF CHILDREN'S BIBLE STORIES is about faith and loss, and a haunted house hidden so well you didn't notice you'd been living there your whole life. BUY IT HERE.

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Woven in the cursed looms of the Iron City of Dis by unpaid staffers who were then ritually defenestrated so they could never reveal their secrets, the Fleece of Reaganhair is a figure of myth and malign legend. The Archduke of the Second Layer himself commissioned it to give to Mephistopheles as a token of their dark friendship. And Bards tell of how the armies of Baator carried it aloft in their battles at the very beginning of the Blood War before it was "lost" - accidentally or on purpose, no one knows - only to surface somewhere on a studio lot in California where it was claimed by a young actor at the start of his career.

The Fleece has a supra-genius intelligence and a powerful will of its own. When it accepts a wearer (always of lawful evil alignment), it grafts onto their skull replacing their own hair in a hideous and agonizing process that takes six full turns and renders anyone of less than 18 Constitution unconscious. It then grants all the armor class and saving throw bonuses, as well as the magic resistance, of a black Robe of the Archmagi, while also allowing its user to function as if they have just imbibed a Philter of Glibness. But these bonuses do not begin to catalog its real power. Because if someone who is not lawful evil attempts to wear the fleece, it forcibly changes his or her alignment, instantly draining 4 levels and 5d10 hit points permanently. Characters reduced to zero levels or hit points by the Fleece are "absorbed" into it, and all magical powers they possess become its own. No one knows how many Neutral Evil state reps and cable news commentators have stumbled upon this artifact in the back rooms of CPAC, only to find themselves lost forever, their minds devoured, their bodies transformed into nothing more than wisps of smoke, the smell of burnt skin beneath the cloying odor of stale Brylcreem.

Some say the Fleece is the phylactery of a powerful Demilich, who is magically imprisoned amid the gin bottles and hummel figurines in Peggy Noonan's liquor cabinet on the Upper East Side of Manhattan. But others believe the Fleece is much more than an arcane magical item - that its black color and slick, slightly wet texture point to its true origin as the remnant of Ahriman itself, the primal spirit of Law and Evil in the multiverse. According to this tale, the "artifact" allowed itself to be found and worked by the agents of Dispater and then given to the Lord of the Eighth before journeying to Los Angeles, as a way of secretly spreading its influence through the nobility of Baator and the GOP leadership, all while Asmodeus acts as its decoy, drawing attention away from a master plan so convoluted and terrible it defies comprehension.

When one who is worthy holds the Fleece aloft at a national convention and then merges with it in shrieks of pain and triumph, the rumors promise, you will know that plan is nigh complete. And hell shall follow.

THE BLACK BOOK OF CHILDREN'S BIBLE STORIES is about faith and loss, and a haunted house hidden so well you didn't notice you'd been living there your whole life. BUY IT HERE.

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 photo d7078ee8-8c33-4418-8d64-6983c4a17c54.jpg
CLIMATE/TERRAIN: Subterranean
FREQUENCY: Common
ORGANIZATION: Multicellular
ACTIVITY CYCLE: Any
DIET: Scavenger
INTELLIGENCE: Unknown
TREASURE: E
ALIGNMENT: NE
NO. APPEARING: 1
ARMOR CLASS: 8
MOVEMENT: 1
HIT DICE: 2
THAC0: 16
NO. OF ATTACKS: 0
DAMAGE/ATTACK: Nil
SPECIAL ATTACKS: Nil
SPECIAL DEFENSES: Noise
MAGIC RESISTANCE: Nil
SIZE: M
MORALE: Average (8)
XP VALUE: 100

Ted Cruz is the junior US Senator from Texas. He resembles a mindless ambulatory fungus, and like one type of these creatures, the Shrieker, he emits an ear-splitting wail upon encountering a party. Unlike the Shrieker the senator usually appears in the vicinity of a pack of 2d8 freshman senators (treat as Hobgoblins for stats) along with staffers, media reps, and 1d10 kobolds. In addition his shriek combines with a powerful enchantment that has a 70% chance of attracting every creature within a 10 mile radius and putting them into a violent frenzy as if they have been subjected to a Confusion spell cast by a 4th level Wizard and then rolled a 7-9 on the results table ("Attack nearest creature for one round"). The effect will continue for a full 4d20 turns, so that monsters and raiding parties enter the fray and fight each other as the bloodshed mounts. When it is over it's common for dozens of PCs and NPCs of all alignments and political parties to lie dead around the junior senator, who then scavenges their bodies for sustenance and moves on to a fresh feeding ground.

NOTE: This is part of a series. Check it out at GOP Monster Manual.

THE BLACK BOOK OF CHILDREN'S BIBLE STORIES is about faith and loss, and a haunted house hidden so well you didn't notice you'd been living there your whole life. BUY IT HERE.

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 photo Rick-Perry-official-Governors-Photo-cropped-e1408144597370-620x436.png
CLIMATE/TERRAIN: Any land
FREQUENCY: Common
ORGANIZATION: Solitary
ACTIVITY CYCLE: Day
DIET: Carnivore
INTELLIGENCE: Animal (1)
TREASURE: H
ALIGNMENT: CN
NO. APPEARING: 1
ARMOR CLASS: 7
MOVEMENT: 12
HIT DICE: 2
THAC0: 10
NO. OF ATTACKS: 3
DAMAGE/ATTACK: 1d8/1d8/2d6 (punch/punch/headbutt)
SPECIAL ATTACKS: See below
SPECIAL DEFENSES: See below
MAGIC RESISTANCE: Nil
SIZE: M
MORALE: Fearless (19-20)
XP VALUE: 250


Rick Perry is a former governor of Texas who ran in the 2012 GOP presidential primary, losing and endorsing Mitt Romney after doing poorly in debates. He has a limited understanding of Common.

Combat: Perry is a ferocious fighter with little subtlety or concern for strategy, attacking the biggest, strongest-looking member of a party immediately and delivering a 3-blow combination attack. In the second or third round of a fight he begins to babble almost incoherently, repeating the word "Gumption" at random, which functions as a Confusion Spell cast by a 4th level Wizard. At will, he can cause his pores to seep a pungent liquid which transforms his hide into a tough padded leather, giving him a darker more weathered complexion and a +3 bonus to Armor Class. The effect lasts 1 turn.

THE BLACK BOOK OF CHILDREN'S BIBLE STORIES is about faith and loss, and a haunted house hidden so well you didn't notice you'd been living there your whole life. BUY IT HERE.

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 photo 8c2498c4-25b3-42f0-b978-a4444b54e575.jpg
CLIMATE/TERRAIN: Any land
FREQUENCY: Common
ORGANIZATION: Pack
ACTIVITY CYCLE: Day
DIET: Omnivore
INTELLIGENCE: Average (8-10)
TREASURE: Lair In Verona, PA (I)
ALIGNMENT: LE
NO. APPEARING: 1 (Plus 2d4 staffers. Treat as Human Pilgrims for stats)
ARMOR CLASS: 10
MOVEMENT: 12
HIT DICE: 1+3
THAC0: 15
NO. OF ATTACKS: 1
DAMAGE/ATTACK: 1d4/1d6 (nails/teeth)
SPECIAL ATTACKS: See below
SPECIAL DEFENSES: See below
MAGIC RESISTANCE: Nil
SIZE: M
MORALE: Fanatic (17-18)
XP VALUE: 150

Rick Santorum is a former US Senator from Pennsylvania who ran in the 2012 GOP presidential primary, winning in 11 states and coming in second to Mitt Romney. He speaks Common and has a limited understanding of Orcish.

Combat: Santorum fights aggressively, charging into the fray and delivering wounds with nails and teeth. When cornered he has the natural ability once a day to utter a short prayer that functions as a Cause Light Wounds spell, as if used by a 3rd level Priest. When encountered Santorum often (40% chance) wears a sweater vest that functions as a +2 Cloak Of Protection against attacks from journalists and anyone of Good alignment. It's a cotton/acrylic blend, and it's made by JCPenney.

THE BLACK BOOK OF CHILDREN'S BIBLE STORIES is about faith and loss, and a haunted house hidden so well you didn't notice you'd been living there your whole life. BUY IT HERE.

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American Sniper earned multiple Oscar nominations, and if it doesn't win anything people across this country are going to be mad. You know what? I understand. I really do. I hate to admit it, but conservatives are right about this issue.

Look, like it or not, this is a center-right nation, and viewers really loved that film. If the Academy refuses to recognize how effectively the movie reached those men and women, they'll feel cheated. They'll feel like their opinions don't count for anything. Like people from some completely alien culture just swept in and stole their voice. Took their autonomy away.

If you're not a red stater, you probably don't get it. You probably think people are wrong to like American Sniper. But that's not the point. It's their movie, it connected with their values, and if someone from a part of the world they've never visited just comes over and tell them those values are wrong... well, no one likes that. Everyone gets angry when that happens.

Ask yourself, "How would I feel?" How would you take it if you and your friends and family - the people in your culture - made a decision about what kind of movie was great? But then these arrogant and rich jerks, folks who claimed they were from an advanced culture, even though you knew they were just entitled pricks... these insufferable people started ordering everyone around and trying to lecture you about right and wrong in your own home? God, just thinking about it ought to make you enraged. Who do they think they are, right?

There isn't a single person who likes it when some - let's admit this - some foreigner barges onto the scene, tears up their world, and starts acting like they own the place. People who do that are universally hated.

That's about the absolute stupidest, most jackass way to behave. Anyone who does it is asking to get hurt. Badly.

No one ought to understand this better than the kind of folks who go in for American Sniper.

THE BLACK BOOK OF CHILDREN'S BIBLE STORIES is about faith and loss, and a haunted house hidden so well you didn't notice you'd been living there your whole life. BUY IT HERE.

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