In the end, its lifespan followed the classic bell curve. After ignoring warnings for two months, the Trump administration scrambled to put together a COVID-19 Press Conference Team, headed by Vice President Pence. Following a desultory start, Trump elbowed Pence away from the podium and ratings jumped geometrically daily. Monday Night Football ratings succumbed, as did the Bachelor Finale numbers. As ratings peaked, the White House Press Corp withstood withering whining, petulance, and braggadocio from the podium. The press conferences raged for hours daily.
At the bell curve peak, Trump heroically injected disinfectant into the press conference. The cleansing was immediate. Cable networks cut away from Trump’s ramblings. Reporters pointedly asked follow up questions and refused demands to switch seats. The ratings curve flattened, then dropped. The daily Press Conference appeared intermittently, then disappeared. Exhausted cable news TV producers pulled off their PPE. Trump climbed Air Force One’s steps, turned to salute a grateful nation, ducked into the jet and flew to Arizona, free to move about the country. With that, the COVID-19 Press Conference Team was dismantled, and COVID-19 no longer mattered. As before, it’s all up to the governors.
All that remains is to archive the COVID-19 Press Conference Team’s efforts for future administrations. Although an Oracle contact tracing database was never developed, Jared will submit his list of the four finalist fonts, detailing the pros and cons of each typeset, and Kushner will include a report obtained through a no-bid contract to a former classmate identifying the strengths of serif fonts when facing a pandemic.
Pence will submit his press conference papers to the National Society of Arts and Letters for further study of obsequious adjectives. Senator Marco Rubio has asked for a copy.
Ivanka remains quarantined in a Chinese sweat shop. She will arrive back in the US shortly as the Trump Chinese Travel bandaid isn’t difficult to get around. Ivanka will immediately resume leaking to the press.
As befits a national crisis, bid proposals are being solicited for commemorative statuary. The leading finalists are a granite Dr. Fauci with a hand over his face and a marble Dr. Birx, seated, eyes downcast, grimacing.
And now the nation, like its disinterested leader, is free to attend rallies, eat at restaurants, get those oh-so-needed haircuts, populate the beaches, theaters and arenas. COVID-19 is magically one day gone, as Trump so presciently predicted. Life is back to normal, once again. We need only to step around the dead, stacked like cord wood.