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If Orwell was alive today, he'd probably just shrug and ask for an extra shift at 7-eleven.

The earth is a serial killer that wants us as a species dead. I respect the hell out of that.

Nobody starts out eating eight spiders when they sleep. You try out one or two until you work up a nice rhythm.

Haystacks would be lost without needles.


Do you ever get the feeling that no one knows what they're doing?

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Quick  somebody give me $5 billion so I can make Bernie Sanders president.
I'm a weird middle aged white suburban guy. If police kept killing the children of people like me with impunity, I would be in the streets hurling rocks.

Yeah, Hillary Clinton is just like us... if we're all selfish millionaires.

When you are resigned to your fate, the cigarette and blindfold come naturally.


I think there’s something wrong with my dog. Every time we go hang gliding, he totally freaks out.

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Take heart! The internet proves no matter who you are, no matter what you do, someone out there will always find you tiresome.

There's gotta be some endangered animals who get addicted to the excitement of being endangered.

Humans are fucked. Our "leaders" are still talking about manual labor as if it's a positive thing.

Take time to smell the flowers and ask yourself when was the last time you were properly defiled.


So, how do you feel about the fact that you only exist if my mind lets you exist?

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Before you break your foot off in that ass, remember, you only have so many feet.

Good night. It is Dec. 30, 2014. Affirmation: "In 2015 I will not star in a viral video in which I am eaten alive by steroidal ferrets."

glares at Time
Let go of my wrist, bro. And stop directing me where to go.

You guys are fuckin weird. It's tough being the only normal one around all the time but I manage.


You have to open that closet and check on those skeletons from time to time if not they'll check up on you.

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'Hard work pays off son,' he said while they watched as the owner of grumpy cat raked in a cool $100 million.

Life is what we make of it. And humans are natural creators. Mostly of poop and dead skin cells. So. That's life, basically.

Don't sweat going fetal, screaming and clawing at your own skin, it's a pretty rational reaction to the holiday season.

Life is a never-ending series of stresses and strains and at the end you're swallowed in darkness, but you know, bacon is pretty cool.

right clicks existentialism


I don't mind digging my own grave, but just how fucking deep does this hole need to be?

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People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.

The Bible is Christianity’s Terms of Service. Nobody actually reads it, but as long as You agree to everything in it, You can use the Heaven app.

Don't blame the universe when bad things happen to you. Maybe your enemies added bad stuff happening to you to their vision boards.

If Richard Nixon were alive today he'd be all, like, wait, I can spy on everybody now?


The "good old times" mostly consisted of "good old" racism mixed with "good old" sexism.

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Chris Rock didn't graduate from high school but that does not stop him from imparting wisdom to us from his perspective. I really do like listening to his perspective.

When we talk about race relations in America or racial progress, it’s all nonsense. There are no race relations. White people were crazy. Now they’re not as crazy. To say that black people have made progress would be to say they deserve what happened to them before.

Right. It’s ridiculous.

So, to say Obama is progress is saying that he’s the first black person that is qualified to be president. That’s not black progress. That’s white progress. There’s been black people qualified to be president for hundreds of years. If you saw Tina Turner and Ike having a lovely breakfast over there, would you say their relationship’s improved? Some people would. But a smart person would go, “Oh, he stopped punching her in the face.” It’s not up to her. Ike and Tina Turner’s relationship has nothing to do with Tina Turner. Nothing. It just doesn’t. The question is, you know, my kids are smart, educated, beautiful, polite children. There have been smart, educated, beautiful, polite black children for hundreds of years. The advantage that my children have is that my children are encountering the nicest white people that America has ever produced. Let’s hope America keeps producing nicer white people.

Adulthood is the daily process of looking into the mirror and saying "I used to look better than this"

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If you're ever found to be supporting a contradiction or factual flaw, just jump out of the Airplane of Logic and pull the Ripcord of Faith!

┏(°.°)┛♪ HOLLER INTO
♪┗(°.°)┓ THE VOID
┗(°.°)┛♪ UNTIL IT

There is no meaning to life, so for the love of all that ain't holy, have a beer and shut the fuck up for a little while.


Kind of sad knowing that my best fuck ups are probably behind me.

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Spirituality is a vital part of life, so worship something. Maybe that dude's hair on Ancient Aliens or something, whatever.

We all have a greatness within; something truly huge, deep inside. Generally stool softeners or laxatives will help.

Florida police seek a quadruple amputee who may have killed his parents. See? With hard work & determination, you can do ANYTHING.

Let your conscience be your guide. If you don't have a conscience, let the chances of getting caught be your guide.

Ultimately all my advice is about loving yourself. Long, hard, slow, fast, multiple times a day, if possible. With lube.


That which doesn't kill you was probably just using you for practice.

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Breaking: Pope Francis says gays are great, Big Bang real, evolution correct, God doesn't exist, bible is fairy tales, religion is bullshit.

The first guy to fertilize a field with manure was probably up to some kind of sick revenge nonsense that completely backfired.

There should be more super heroes that the average person can relate to, like 'the procrastinator', or "indecisive man"

BREAKING: Ancient stone circles found in Middle East paid for with ancient American tax dollars.

Lindsay Lohan and Tom Cruise are dating. He's using her to revive his career. She's using the top of his head to rest her drinks.


What idiot decided to call it mansplaining instead of dicktating?

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The year is 2033. Cars can fly, the moon is colonized, and thousands of high school seniors are named Ebola.

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You have a better chance of skidding on a banana peel head first into a wood-chipper falling into a volcano than dying from Ebola.

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