And proceeded to save my life…
Eleven long days ago I underwent robotic surgery on my throat cancer and the procedure was far more than either I or my medical team expected. Complete tonsillectomy and base of tongue tumor removal with right side neck dissection ended up with an excision that went more than halfway under my tongue. An expected three hour procedure went on for five hours, and the results were very reassuring, but…
I was sent the long 250miles home two days later with many instructions on do’s and don’t’s but was especially warned not to cough, sneeze, and especially not vomit, as the result could be serious bleeding which in the extreme could be fatal.
My body did not accept the drugs I was prescribed. My swallowing lessons did not adequately prepare me for what I was faced with. Nausea, heartburn, chest congestion, and dehydration invaded my life.
At home, four long days of living one minute to the next of pills, heartburn, nausea, choking sips of water, agonizing swallows of miniscule amounts of pureed food interspersed with don’t cough, don’t vomit, repeat over and over as I wasted away. Seven days after my procedure, fifteen pounds lighter than before, my fate spilled out before my eyes. A little cough broke through my flagging resolve and delivered a mouthful of blood...followed by more.
One am, thirty miles to the hospital, my wife hustled me to the car and off we went.
There is something special about blood running from your mouth. It gives you a unique perspective on life. Things felt but never expressed clamor for dominance in your mind. But primary are the thoughts that are necessary to survival. Don’t swallow blood or you will vomit and make it worse. Don’t let it get in your lungs or you will cough and tear things up in your throat. Try not to die…It is so very red...it tastes so wrong.
A 911 call on route, an ambulance beside the road, all that was left of the comfort of my wife a lone pair of headlights as she followed in her private capsule of fear for the question marks stamped all over our future...or her future.
Finally, at the hospital, the hive started buzzing as the calls were made, the plumbing applied, the team brought from slumber to precision.
The operating floor was eerily quiet as the members of the surgical team emerged. First, the surgeon, an Asian, assessed and explained as a plan evolved. Then the anesthesiologist, an Arab with an unpronounceable name clasped my hand and an energy crackeled between us...maybe a spark of Allah... as I told him it was a privilege to put my life in his hands. His assistant, Mr. Something Something-stein, a Jewish man spared a tired smile as he attended to his role.
Then the others, an African- American and two Caucasian presumed nurses...but maybe doctors...who cares?
Sedation was delayed to the last second as my blood, now slowed to a trickle, continued to flow into my gut, threatening to erupt, to transform from sustainer to terminator.
And then the operating room, the maze of their tools, so familiar to them and so alien to myself. Then a voice floated on air...”breathe deeply...breathe deep” as I drifted into their hands.
I am back now, transformed, evolved. My heart swells and my eyes leak unbidden. Oh that group of earthlings...so diverse but so united of purpose...to save me...this meagre scrap of humanity from death for a time unmeasured. Spiritual giants giving another chance, more time to get things right, to express my love.
I have no room for hate or resentment, the best I can spare is pity. During my stay at the hospital I was surrounded with beauty. There was the team leader doctor, a beautiful woman...Pakistani...perhaps from India, who flowed in and peeked down my throat, studied my chart, asked of my welfare and flowed on with her entourage in tow to the next speck of suffering, and on and on.
There was the young lady from Guatemala who cleaned my room, emptied my trash, and shyly accepted my gratitude with halting, broken English conversation when asked of her life.
The nurses, the doctors, the swallow coach, the physical therapist, the dietician, all there to patch me up, to plug up my leaks, to coax me to health, to give of themselves in service to another suffering traveler through time.
God is not some scary Dude far away in the sky. God walked in and out of my life inside each one who cared, each one who gave, each one who helped heal a broken body and a troubled spirit.
Look around you, He is all around you...He is inside you...waiting to be poured out when you learn how to love.
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