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View Diary: Another View of the Sandusky Case; UPDATE (81 comments)

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  •  about the "pity" (9+ / 0-)

    I appreciate your forthright diary and I hope you'll help me on this question... How do we NOT pity the victims? When we see and read all the terrible things done to little kids it naturally brings out our emotions. We can't help but feel sorry for them and sympathy for their suffering. Some of the stories by members of this community are flat out heart rending, in me they evoke both anger at the perps and pity for the victims. I honestly don't know how not to feel pity.

    America could have chosen to be the worlds doctor, or grocer. We choose instead to be her policeman. pity

    by cacamp on Fri Jun 22, 2012 at 04:06:02 PM PDT

    •  Glad you asked. (9+ / 0-)

      To me pity implies I'm damaged goods and I'll never be whole. Understanding and encouragement implies that I can recover.

      Now I admit as I recovered I did a bone headed thing or two....or five - I lost count. I acted out, married the wrong guy, smoked too much pot. Had a big blow out with my first husband got divorced. Came to be with another wrong guy who was just as much of a jerk as my first husband, but thankfully non-violent. Broke up. Lived by myself. Got some treatment. Found Mr. Wolverton who's really pretty together. He's great, but when his family found out I had a sexual assault history they advised him to divorce me because I wasn't "pure". To which I responded, shut the front door (or something like that). I had a bad spate with PTSD about 15 years ago and had to do the SSRI meds, therapy every week - the whole thing. It was caused by the death of my mother who served as a buffer between my perp and me. She's was gone and frankly, the shit hit my mental fan. It turned out that my "crisis" had a lot to do with how the people who supposedly loved me viewed me with pity instead of the respect for being strong enough to not only survive, but achieve. Once I got up front about how I was to be respected and didn't give a damn what "side" my individual family members took on my assault; but when they talk to me they have respect in their "tude" or they don't talk to me at all. I got a lot better. Until she died, I didn't realize how my mother prevented my healing. She believed me, but she felt she had to hold the family together. Unfortunately, my perp is recovering more poorly, but he doesn't have any contact with children and has no computer or on-line presence at all. He lives with people who know what he did and they help him. I had to come to peace with the fact that this was how my situation is resolved. As long as there are no more assaults or opportunity to commit assaults, ok.

      I can still trigger that's just part of the PTSD thing, but it doesn't rule my life and I deal with it.....Sometimes by posting a rant.

      Compassion, understanding, encouragement and admiration for the steps taken are welcome.

      Pity? I have no use for pity. Pity lies there doing nothing but tells me I should feel sorry for myself. I don't have time for that.

      Right now. I'm cruising fairly well. No rashes, headaches, itching or anxiety. No depression - had that naproxin thing a couple weeks ago; but otherwise, I'm fine.

      I hope this helps you understand.

      If a nation expects to be ignorant and free, in a state of civilization, it expects what never has and never will be. Thomas Jefferson

      by JDWolverton on Fri Jun 22, 2012 at 05:36:23 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      •  thanks, I'll try to understand (8+ / 0-)

        I guess it's more in the definition between pity and compassion or something along those lines. To me pity was the sad feelings I had for the victims when I read their stories. Like the little girls lying in bed terrified waiting to hear to footsteps of their tormentor coming. I pitied them.

        I'm glad you're doing well and wish the best for your future.

        America could have chosen to be the worlds doctor, or grocer. We choose instead to be her policeman. pity

        by cacamp on Fri Jun 22, 2012 at 06:32:40 PM PDT

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      •  i'm with you on this. no pity. what i do when... (3+ / 0-)
        Recommended by:
        FindingMyVoice, salmo, JDWolverton

        .... someone tells me that something horrible happened to them (whatever it happens to be) is:

        First, repeat their words back to them in the 2nd person and in a matter-of-fact tone, so it's clear I heard them:  for example, "Oh, you were raped."

        Then I say "I'm open to listen, but I won't pry."

        And then I typically say "Is there anything I can do that's helpful or useful in some way?"

        Within that framework, just let them take it wherever they choose.  

        But I don't let myself get into "pity mode" because I see pity as being disempowering for the person who had the horrible experience.  There are ways to let someone know you understand what they said and you're standing with them, without setting up an emotional dynamic of reciprocal misery that's a downer for the other person.  The language and nonverbals vary from one person to the next and depend on the relationship.  

        Is this useful, or is there something I should be doing differently?

        "Minus two votes for the Democrat" equals "plus one vote for the Republican." Arithmetic doesn't care about your feelings.

        by G2geek on Sat Jun 23, 2012 at 04:55:38 AM PDT

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      •  If you don't want us feeling sorry for you (1+ / 0-)
        Recommended by:
        JDWolverton

        I hope you don't mind if we feel angry for you.

        -paraphrased from an exchange in the cartoon "For Better or for Worse"- when a gay character came out and was kicked out by his father. I think this applies to all sorts of injustice.

        •  I get it (0+ / 0-)

          I get angry at injustice for other things too.

          If a nation expects to be ignorant and free, in a state of civilization, it expects what never has and never will be. Thomas Jefferson

          by JDWolverton on Wed Jun 27, 2012 at 09:54:23 PM PDT

          [ Parent ]

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