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  •  lolololol (3+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    Emmet, Monsieur Georges, Brecht

    I have missed you!

    She eyed me meaningfully. Damn, I was tired of being eyed meaningfully.

    Is this your book?

    I always wanted to save Desdemona...

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    by cfk on Wed Jan 09, 2013 at 07:00:00 PM PST

    [ Parent ]

    •  Yeah... weighs in at 2.7 pounds (5+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:
      cfk, Emmet, MT Spaces, Monsieur Georges, Brecht

      752 pages...began it August 20 and ended election day.  The quest to find the Diamond at the End of Time and defeat Flit Doomney and the Jim Jims.  I have almost everyone in it!

      A passage just sketching some of our adventures:

      I didn’t say anything more. We, had found the Holy Grail, two of us had carried the Spear of Power, died and came back at least three times, been to Wrigley and seen God twice, saved Christmas, watched as William James kicked the devil’s ass, saved the world from nuclear war, found the silver that will save everything. I had, personally, saved the Lost Poems of John Keats, saved the One Ring. Tim had saved the Blues, Sam had been given a noogie by Jesus himself, we all had saved the world from the Alien Baby Eating Jesus…I had given a piggy back ride to John Keats saving him from the alien corn and I couldn’t even remember what else…oh, yeah, I almost killed Hitler. Would have killed him if Tarbard hadn’t been in the way. Been wounded twice with arrows dipped in the Ichor of Jane…oh, yeah I also saved Desdemona from Othello, helped give Dracula a reason to live, exorcised the World’s Greatest Economist from the Devil’s ass…found the Willie Mays baseball card that would be the key to everything…

      The President of the United States knew what we were thinking I think.

      “Wait a minute guys. I know what you are thinking, I think. Look, we would never be here without you three. But, the fact is you cannot throw. You cannot hit. And you don't know baseball from shit – compared to who we got! These are the End Times.”

      •  That's (4+ / 0-)
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        cfk, Emmet, MT Spaces, Monsieur Georges

        President of the United States Ralston Valentine from the Running Chicken Nebula...

        •  A Stave (4+ / 0-)
          Recommended by:
          cfk, Emmet, MT Spaces, Monsieur Georges

          Stave 56 We Are Peckatus

          The Sirens of Titan I had installed when I was 19 went off! The Klaxons ululated. I took one quick glance at Display 19. Holy Christ! I pressed the “All Hands button.” Loneliest roared into the Megatron. “Battle Stations! Battle Stations! Attack! Attack!” And the red lights on the display came on one by one as the robots assigned to each gun hurried to fetch a crew member to their duty. All three of us gazed intently at the screen… I have never seen anything like it. It was smashing towards us at 3.3 ontaparsecs a second. It appeared right now as a great ball of fire….far off and at an immense distance but it was huge. Huge.

          “Goodness Gracious great ball of fire!” Loneliest ululated while, at the same time, adjusting our farthing optics.
          The image zoomed in.

          “We need to activate Hal,” Tim gritted. “What the hell is that? Joe, do it now. Activate Hal!”

          I had installed Hal when I saw 2001 A Space Odyssey…at 19. Yes, I was still playing with my toy rocket then and I don’t know why I did it. Installed Hal I mean. Hal was turned off. To turn him on would risk… I activated Hal. Looked at the screen….the great ball of fire was already bigger. Then… I saw at the corner of the screen what looked like a small green dot, then two, then more…many.

          Loneliest: “Green dots on screen! Look… they’re attacking the Great Ball of Fire!”
          Red rays shot out from the green dots.

          “Turn on Hal,” Tim screamed.

          “I already turned him on!” I howled right back.

          “What the fuck…?”

          I had little time. “Goddamn. Tim. I installed him in 1967. He’s gonna take a while to boot up. Ok?” Then turned my attention to the screen. I put the ship under my manual control and grabbed the shifter with my strong right hand.

          “Hello, Joey. Hal here. I am awake. “Space Girls of Venus Simulacra” will be activated in one minute…”

          God, I had forgotten.

          “Cancel. Cancel! Identify objects in view. Screen 19.”

          “Simulacra cancelled. Many stars are seen, away in the distance… a curious sight. The Christmas Star. Created Common Era…”

          “Hal, pay attention. What is that great big goddamn red ball of fire and those green dots spewing death rays towards it as it hurtles towards us?”

          “No need to speak to me like that, Joey.”

          “Hal, I’m sorry.”

          “Apology accepted. The Great Big Red Ball of Fire is Funk Ball 74. Origin Tupelo. Funk System 12. The Green Dots are battle units of Planet Foghorn. The Funky Chicken war continues. Many historians believe the origin of the conflict occurred when President Ralston… Goodbye!”

          And we looked up at the red screen of death. The Great Ball of Fire simply exploded and the universe was, for an instant, a great red glowing sphere of red. We looked at the image in simple awe. I pushed the button to reboot Hal.

          We just stared at the screen and within ten seconds we were looking into a ball-less void familiar to any American…within 20 seconds we were looking at something even more terrifying. The green dots seemed to … no … did come together and formed…

          “What the hell? Commander Green, my instruments show that whatever it is is only five light years away.”

          I looked away for an instant. Garry Getz had arrived and was standing next to the wall mounted Starboard Vorpal Gun.

          “Permission to fire?”

          “Hold your fire, damn it. Fire only when I tell you to.”

          “4.5 light years now, sir. Look!”

          And I whirled to see. The green dots had come together. And now, smashing right towards us at an unbelievable speed was… Loneliest said it.

          “Lord save us all! It’s a giant chicken! It’s gonna crash right into us. Right starboard. Right starboard. Turn. Turn. Let Garry fire, damn it!”

          “2.5 light years to impact!”

          “I am taking full manual control. Remain calm!”

          “1.5 light years.”

          Hello, Joey, Hal here. I am awake. “Space Girls of Venus Simulacra” will be activated in….one minute….”
          “1.0 light year!”

          “Star rightboard. Star rightboard. Turn! Turn!” Loneliest suggested in a screaming sort of way.

          “.5 light year!”

          “Get the Commander! He’s crazy! We’re all gonna die!”
          I flipped on the magnetos that would keep them all in their seats but would, perhaps, bollix their testicles.

          “I cain’t move. They’re comin’ right at us. Cain’t you see?”
          .1 light year!

          And they screamed! “Shit! No! Mother! Help! Joe, you asshole!”

          And the chicken ship swerved and the Space Girls Simulacra activated as the Go Go platforms rose up, each topped by my Barbarellas who… man, those were good times, strange times, what a sad jerk I was…

          “Deactivate simulacra, Hal.”

          “Play Alfie?”

          I had always had Hal play Alfie afterwards. “What’s it all about, Alfie?”

          “Yes, Hal. Play that song.”

          And I closed my eyes for just a minute listening to that sad song.

          “What's it all about, Alfie?
          Is it just for the moment we live?”

          I cried just a little bit. Then turned to my stunned crew.
          “They were just playing chicken, guys.” Then I smiled. “And we won!”

          “Fuckin’ A,” Tim said. And we all smiled.

          “Chicken Scratching on Communicator One, Joey. Should I activate?”

          I didn’t expect that.

          “Activate display!”

          “Okay, Joey.”

          The Communicator One Screen descended. Nothing but flickering. The Muzack started playing … Sinatra! … not too bad and then, well… then the image of a giant rooster smoking a cigar clad in a (by God!) leisure suit… a green leisure suit (the rooster was clad in the leisure suit – not the cigar) appeared on the screen. He was seated in a red velvet chair. He actually looked quite like Rodney Dangerfield. A chicken with a (it seemed to me) rather startled look was standing next to him. She seemed to be wearing some sort of plaid uniform that fit rather tightly. On his other side was a rooster in a toga. I could tell just by looking at him that he was pretty smart…
          I flipped on the Universal Communicator. The rooster and chickens were looking at the screen as if waiting for an image to appear. I could tell when it did! As soon as they saw us they seemed to shudder. The uniformed chicken turned away. The cigar smoking chicken just shuddered and stared intently, the chicken in the toga seemed to only be able to look directly at us through sheer force of will.

          The uniformed chicken was squawking and, as the communicator activated, we could hear what she was saying.

          “Look at them! There are white ones too! The prophecy has been fulfilled! The sky will fall…”

          “Silence, Henny Penney. We have verified they are not Ralstons. Perhaps a new race…”

          I spoke into the thermidor. “We come in peace. Greetings from Planet Vegel! May grains of wheat be always in your beaks! Blessings!”

          The head rooster stared intently at us.
          “Greetings. Know that our Koo Koo Karoo Beam is directed at your vessel. We are a peace loving race but can destroy you. Chickenshit.”

          Loneliest: “Man, they’re calling us chickenshits. Who turned away, huh?”

          I waved at him to silence him. I sensed that “chickenshit” in their language was a sort of intensifier…like “goddamn” in ours…

          “We are aware of that chickenshit, we are chickenshit aware, Commander. May I ask what you are called?”

          “I am Commander Leghorn. I am attended by our Priestess Henny Penny and our Champion… Peckatus. Why are you on course for our nebula?”

          “Are there any other entities aboard your vessel, Commander Leghorn?”

          “No one here but us chickens.”

          ‘That is good, Commander. I can then tell you why we are here. On our planet, indeed on our entire system of planets which is located in a galaxy far far away,  we have an abundance of the great grains of life. We have rye, and barley, wheat and corn. From these we make our great cereals “Frosted Flakes,” “Count Choc U La,” “Cream of Wheat,” and especially “Quaker’s Oats,” the cereal of peace. We travel the void to bring free samples to beings such as your race. Each box may also contain a prize…”

          The great rooster crowed. “Chickenshit! Chickenshit! These names are known. Our race is ancient and our legend tells us that far away and long ago on a planet called “Wart” we crossed the road for these immortal foods!”

          I looked the rooster right in the eye. “Then we have come to where our Great Prophet said we will come.” At the same time I was looking him right in the eye I scrawled a note on the internal communicator. I glanced quickly to Tim and Loneliest. They were reading….

          “Our Great Prophet’s name was also Peckatus! My name is Peckatus!”

          The chicken looked startled.

          “I am Peckatus!” he cried.

          I stood up and signaled to Tim and the Ranger to stand. We looked at each other …placed our fists on our chests, elbows out… and shouted (Good job, guys!)
          “WE ARE ALL PECKATUS!”

          And then slowly at first and then more quickly we did the Funky Chicken. The rooster and the chickens crowed and cackled with delight and, to my delight, our entire crew, who had been watching in fear and wonder, came into the control room dancing the funky chicken and lo! they had all the boxes of Frosted Flakes and Sugar Pops and Rice Krispies and Cheerios we had left and piled them up on the floor of the control room. Sam was really good at the funky chicken! Mark too!

          The aliens looked on our pile hungrily. They would never destroy us now.

          “We accept your offerings of peace, oh Veggils! Chickenshit! Beam them up at once!”


          “At once. And we will give gifts… of peace.”

          I had dealt with roosters before. I understood the implicit threat.

          “Please remove the Koo Koo Karoo Beam so we can beam up our emissaries.” Peckatus pecked once on a control on a tower next to him. Our warning lights went off. I flicked off the communicator. Happens all the time. They wouldn’t think anything of it probably. I gestured wearily to the crew. “Follow me to the Tubes, guys.” And they did.

      •  oh, my!! lololol (3+ / 0-)
        Recommended by:
        Emmet, MT Spaces, Monsieur Georges
        helped give Dracula a reason to live

        Join us at Bookflurries-Bookchat on Wednesday nights 8:00 PM EST

        by cfk on Wed Jan 09, 2013 at 07:21:03 PM PST

        [ Parent ]

        •  He (4+ / 0-)
          Recommended by:
          cfk, Emmet, MT Spaces, Monsieur Georges

          was subletting Castle Dracula to Santa Claus while he went to Paris looking for a certain gal...

          •  Drac (4+ / 0-)
            Recommended by:
            Emmet, cfk, MT Spaces, Monsieur Georges

            Dracula -- who does look like Bela Lugosi -- was standing in the door …and he looked pretty pissed to me.
            You might wonder why the hell -- after all we have been through and -- always keeping in mind the fact that one of the "persons" shocked was the colorful Mephisto -- the devil himself -- we should gasp at the appearance of the old Vampire. Simply put -- beneath the usual vampire's cape Drac was clothed in an Hawaiian shirt, tight black Bermuda shorts and Birkenstocks. And, standing next to him. In damn! a really great beach outfit was Jeri!

            "What the fuck are you looking at, you assholes," he roared. "And what have you shitheads done to my castle?"

            He strode into our midst. If we giggled, well, heaven will forgive us.

            But it was Dracula's turn to be taken aback as he looked over to where Mephisto was grinning evilly and The OSS Op was grinning with the orange still in his mouth.

            "Master!" he gasped.

            You see there are advantages to having the devil on your side!

            But he was not looking at that inane loon of a Father of Evil who had an innocent economist stuck up him but rather behind the devil at Giuseppe Verdi.

            "Maestro," the undead vacationer—(Jersey shore without a doubt) stuttered. "I didn't know…forgive me."

            Verdi was magnanimous and rushed to embrace the old fellow. Old friends it seemed. And the… oh God… the look on the great composer’s face when he saw Jeri.

            Dracula broke away. "Wagner, maestro…the hunt … does… he yet live?"

            Verdi nodded sadly.

            "And I frittering away the nights at Wildwood by the Sea…I thought … a few days."

            "He lives, my friend…and thrives…he escaped us once again. His operas -- they are yet performed!"

            The vampire shuddered. "There are far worse things awaiting man than … Death.”

            The poor old fellow collapsed.

            Verdi looked up. Opened his arms and Jeri rushed to fill them. “Oh, oh, oh, The Queen of the Night. My queen!” Verdi wept. “You have been so vilely used yet you have returned to me!” And, all of us just looked and he let Jeri go for a second and Jeri turned to all of us and mouthed “SHUT UP” and winked at me.

            Jeri: “Oh, my Giup. Giup! Giup!” And began to cry. Then recovered. “Oh, it wasn’t true that I disappeared because I wanted more money and that I was in the Riviera! No, as you know, I was captured by the Wagners and forced to become a Valkyrie. A Valkyrie! Such a small role! Me! Me! But I have escaped and looka looka here. I am now not only the QUEEN OF THE NIGHT but, due to my inability to give myself completely to the neediest vampire ever known, and still be happy and mysterious and, my beloved Giup Giup, your own innocent I am now also RUBY TUESDAY!"


            and Verdi fainted and Jeri rushed to me. “I met Dracula in Paree and somehow knew you guys were at his place and in trouble and, I admit, Joey, thought how cool it was to have both a vampire and a great ape transformed into Bogart in love with me – me having to go with the vampire because a greater duty called…sigh…helping you save the very fabric of reality! I knew it had to be and knew I could strike a great blow for the cause of women everywhere and I held the teary Kong Bogart in my hands and told him
            “WE’LL ALWAYS HAVE PARIS!”

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