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View Diary: She's my daughter and she's dead (103 comments)

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  •  for years, when anything about losing a child (36+ / 0-)

    has come up, I will mention one or the other but not both. I found that people have a hard enough time responding to the mention of losing one child; two is just beyond their capability. I started this diary planning just to write about my daughter since it's the anniversary of her death, but I was taken in another direction as I wrote.  
    I've shortchanged my son in my writing and conversation because he was so young when he had his stroke, his disabilities overwhelmed us, and both his stroke and his death were so long ago (26 and 22 years). The real loss was his stroke. After his death, there was very little left of his life -- a 3-year-old's connections to the world are much narrower than those of a smart and social 18-year-old. People in our family don't remember the day he died (and his stroke was on Thanksgiving so it's subsumed in the noise and action of that holiday) but they remember our daughter's death and we get wonderful calls and notes every year.
    But the truth is their deaths, though very different, are linked emotionally and have had a cumulative effect on our family and friends and relatives. Something I've never really dealt with.

    We're not perfect, but they're nuts! -- Barney Frank

    by Tamar on Fri Jan 18, 2013 at 03:20:27 PM PST

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    •  You can only deal with excruciating loss in your (17+ / 0-)

      own time. You will. It is clear from this diary how strong you are. Blessed be you and your family.

      This is an exquisite diary.

      I am so sorry.  

      "Southern nights have you ever felt a southern night?" Allen Toussaint ~~Remember the Gulf of Mexico~~

      by rubyr on Fri Jan 18, 2013 at 04:01:16 PM PST

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    •  I kind of know what you're talking about (9+ / 0-)

      I lost both of my parents at a fairly young age, Dad when he was 32, Mom when she was 44.  It's hard to place that much sad information on people sometimes.

      You've coped with staggering losses in your life and you've handled it very well, though it probably doesn't always feel that way to you.  Those kinds of losses stay with you forever, they become a part of you.

      Thanks for telling us the story and sharing the photos of those lovely children.  It makes me want to call mine and hug them tighter, though they're young men and they get so annoyed at that.

      Democratic Leaders must be very clear they stand with the working class of our country. Democrats must hold the line in demanding that deficit reduction is done fairly -- not on the backs of the elderly, the sick, children and the poor.

      by Betty Pinson on Fri Jan 18, 2013 at 07:53:33 PM PST

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      •  :) "Awwwwwww, mom. Cut it out!" (4+ / 0-)

        Our young men do indeed struggle with the worries and undying concern and love of their mums, aunties and grandmothers, at least publicly.  But privately, I believe they treasure it, and store is as fuel under their wings.

        "A typical vice of American politics is the avoidance of saying anything real on real issues." Theodore Roosevelt.

        by StellaRay on Fri Jan 18, 2013 at 08:08:06 PM PST

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        •  Mine are used to it (4+ / 0-)

          I forced love and hugs and kisses on them regularly from the time they were still in the cradle.  

          It's one of those consequences of losing your parents early in life.  When you have children, you rediscover that special kind of unconditional love you lost after the parents were gone.

          They still fight it a little, to preserve their manly images, haha.

          Democratic Leaders must be very clear they stand with the working class of our country. Democrats must hold the line in demanding that deficit reduction is done fairly -- not on the backs of the elderly, the sick, children and the poor.

          by Betty Pinson on Fri Jan 18, 2013 at 09:13:41 PM PST

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    •  Did your son have an arteriovenous malformation? (1+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:
      Tamar

      Stroke and "3 year old" don't usually go together but I know AVM can strike the young quite suddenly.
      What a shock it must have been...3 is so vividly alive and loud and everywhere...
      he is looking at his sister so adoringly in the picture

      The change to sad silence had such impact on her, on all of you

      I can see why you'd feel so much for the parents of the lost first graders. You see their pictures, hear what they loved... and it rips the heart that they could be gone. Likewise with your children who died...

      Here's hoping in forever and their happy reunion
      But the only certainty is now and it sounds like you fill the now with love and appreciating. What else can you do?
      Love lives on.

      •  basilar artery, very very rare (I found only about (0+ / 0-)

        30 cases in the literature, all boys, all from an unknown cause. and I'm a researcher, so I knew how to look.)

        We're not perfect, but they're nuts! -- Barney Frank

        by Tamar on Sat Jan 19, 2013 at 12:37:57 PM PST

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