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View Diary: Rape: Anonymous but Silenced No More (142 comments)

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  •  I am the survivor, and it did go down this way... (26+ / 0-)

    But it's easy for you looking in to criticize my actions and wonder why I didn't do more to prevent it, or call the police or a friend. As a previous commenter so rightly pointed out, in situations like this we fight or freeze. I fought and lost. So I froze. I didn't trust him to stay at my house, but my options were few. The biggest reality during and after something like this is dissociation - I simply couldn't believe, for months, what had happened. As I said, I simply survived. So before you project what you think you would have done in a situation like this, it might be good to try and understand what it feels like to process that something like this happened to you in the first place. Denial is a powerful thing, and when I was faced with more law school finals and his presence within those walls, that was all I had to hold onto.

    My book, TRAITOR: THE WHISTLEBLOWER & THE "AMERICAN TALIBAN," is Amazon's #1 Best Seller in Human Rights Books for February 2012.

    by Jesselyn Radack on Sun Mar 17, 2013 at 02:40:24 PM PDT

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    •  I'm sorry this happened to you. I'm even sorrier (9+ / 0-)

      that there are men here trying to blame you. If I recounted all the horrifying rape and abuse experiences I have had I'm sure some men would want to blame me for them too. I generally assume that the men making excuses have gone over some line with a woman in their past and they feel guilty about it.

      I think it is fair to say we fuck over both women and men when they are young because we don't give either of them enough information and support to not engage in the kinds of mistakes that lead to rape. Young men need to be forced to understand what rape is. They aren't getting sensitivity training from each other. There are way too many men who won't take no for an answer, but then we raise men to not take no for an answer in many places in their lives, not just sex.

      Poverty = politics.

      by Renee on Sun Mar 17, 2013 at 08:02:57 PM PDT

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      •  Renee, (0+ / 0-)

        Both of us have been around here long enough that hopefully some sensible discussion can be accomplished.  You said this:

        I generally assume that the men making excuses have gone over some line with a woman in their past and they feel guilty about it.
        Now how is making that assumption any different than than Clem and I assuming somthing might be missing from this story?   Maybe we are wrong for doing that but donuts are flying and do we really deseve them for the sin of trying to keep an open mind about this.  And does any of this resemble the inital reaction to the Nephew doubters?  

        The more you learn the less you know.

        by quiet in NC on Sun Mar 17, 2013 at 08:38:54 PM PDT

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        •  Remember the old line about walking in someone (9+ / 0-)

          else's shoes? I'm going to assume that you haven't been raped. That puts a GULF of distance between you and understanding the nature of rape and the ways our culture makes rape possible. Until you find a way to bridge that gap, you will not understand how damaging and wrong headed your attempts here really are. Go ask your female friends and family about their experiences w rapists. You will be surprised to find lots of stories. Ask them how many "stupid mistakes" they made during the attack. Trust me, most of us women assume the guy is going to stop. We put ourselves in some deeply dangerous situations based on our mistaken belief that we must be imagining the aggression. And way more than half the time it's some guy who is trusted in the community.

          I don't care if this turns out to be someone who is lying about this. You are causing emotional suffering with your line of questioning. And this is an area where you need to gain some additional knowledge. Please do us all a favor and find some teachers.

          Poverty = politics.

          by Renee on Sun Mar 17, 2013 at 09:00:06 PM PDT

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          •  You are right, i have not been raped... (0+ / 0-)

            but I also have not gone over the line and feel guilty about it either.  And I do have very close freinds who have been raped and I continue to be their friend so pehaps I do have some ability to relate.  So there's that.
            I also get that questioning the diarist was proably wrong in that it did cause others harm, that I can see now--hours after I made the statements.  So thanks for pointing that out.
            But, as far as culture being to blame here--if we were talking about an underage girl or a mentally handicapped person, I would agree, but we are talking about a grown law student.  Given what was told here, known murderer and all, should society expect the female to make any preventive choices at all, before "no" needs to be said?  I agree absolutly that once "no" is said all blame rests with the attacker.

            The more you learn the less you know.

            by quiet in NC on Sun Mar 17, 2013 at 09:18:51 PM PDT

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            •  You are defending an abhorrent position. (1+ / 0-)
              Recommended by:
              LilithGardener

              You don't understand why. It's ok, none of us have to understand everything. Just figure it out and get on the right side of the discussion.

              Poverty = politics.

              by Renee on Sun Mar 17, 2013 at 09:41:21 PM PDT

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              •  Okay, you are 100% right and I am 100%... (0+ / 0-)

                wrong.  So that is simple and a good place to stop.  Thanks for your efforts just the same.  

                The more you learn the less you know.

                by quiet in NC on Sun Mar 17, 2013 at 09:46:21 PM PDT

                [ Parent ]

                •  Reducing my words to that is not an accurate (2+ / 0-)
                  Recommended by:
                  Jesselyn Radack, LilithGardener

                  representation of what I said.

                  Poverty = politics.

                  by Renee on Sun Mar 17, 2013 at 10:04:13 PM PDT

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                •  Society can "expect" "preventative" measures I (5+ / 0-)

                  suppose. But who cares? We raise girls to defer to men and to put themselves in dangerous positions. Then we Monday morning quarterback them and tell them they weren't preventative enough.

                  I'm telling you that your ideas about preventative actions are not useful to the discussion. We all make mistakes. Dumping on a woman for stupid mistakes might make people feel like they have more control in their own lives, but it's victim blaming. What if as a culture we put all that energy into explaining to young men that no means no, fucked up means no, asleep means no, using your managerial position of power to coerce someone is a no too. And when a woman says no and then goes limp underneath you, that isn't a belated yes. We turn all our youngsters out there with unrealistic ideas and no guidance. That's rape culture. And it isn't just the weak and developmentally delayed who fall victim to it. Do you know anything about this woman? You think you do because she has some impressive job? That is not a good way to assess whether she has a voice or not. And chances are, she doesn't. No matter how savvy she sounds to you. Because otherwise all these goddamned rapes wouldn't be happening.

                  Poverty = politics.

                  by Renee on Sun Mar 17, 2013 at 10:20:08 PM PDT

                  [ Parent ]

              •  So what room is there for discussion? (0+ / 0-)

                Everyone agrees that rape is terrible.

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