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View Diary: College Life, Rape and Public Discourse (83 comments)

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  •  Programs that argue against (12+ / 0-)

    masculinity tropes help. "Don't Be That Guy" etc. Men learning that women aren't toys to be used and disposed of will help, and a big part of that is deconstructing and rejecting what it means to be male.

    As a woman who worked nights in hotels for 10 years, I was never threatened while walking alone. I was however, threatened by hotel guests weekly. Indeed, those instances where I've been attacked physically always involved people I was familiar with.

    So, in addition to expanding our perception of what it means to be 'male' in society, we need to deconstruct what it means to be a rapist. Women who are raped will tell you they are usually not strangers hiding in alleyways in the dark - statistically that's a safer person.

    They are charming.
    They are often leaders.
    They are "good" and "such nice" men.
    Why, there's no way someone like him would do that sort of thing.

    The diarist is correct: "No means yes," / "Sex makes you a man," / "Bitchez be crazy, lyin' n' shit." is a profoundly unhealthy narrative. And we don't care, because it benefits those typically in power: men, often white.

    You said the air was singing / it's calling you, you don't believe / These things you've never seen / Never heard, never dreamed.

    by CayceP on Thu May 02, 2013 at 07:17:34 PM PDT

    •  interesting thing is the number of people (10+ / 0-)

      who feel a woman should not drink so much as to not be always in complete control, yet seem fine with males' binge drinking.  Usually when there is an unwelcome advance or attempt to "strongarm" a woman into sex, alcohol seems to play a prominent role.

      You are correct about "privileged white men" as they seem to behave in a certain way towards everyone they consider inferiors, such as women and people of color.  I note the news yesterday had the CEO of a company breaking a cabbie's jaw because the cabbie was Muslim and the CEO was upset over the Boston bombings.  The dimensions of this privilege becomes evident when the CEO's attorney claims the CEO was sober though he was picked up from a bar and also denies his client struck the cabbie though his jaw had to be wired.

      It is the same with attempted rape.  The immediate defense is either nothing happened, an innocent remark or gesture was misinterpreted or the female is making it all up for reasons of her own    

    •  Bottom line=rapist get off on control (2+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:
      sturunner, CayceP

      They are not after a mutually satisfying sexual experience. They want what they want, and they want it NOW. This is more important to them, than the relationship (even if it's just based on a mutually satisfying sexual encounter) that would have to take place if a great sexual experience were negotiated. These individuals do not want to negotiate a mutually satisfying experience...it is one sided...this is the most salient point..

      A rapist is not after a normal sexual experience...it's not normal to "take sex" any way you can.

      Real men like real sex!!!

      •  The trouble with that narrative is (0+ / 0-)

        that there are also non-rapists who get off on the idea of control during sex.  They're the ones who look for partners who have the complementary kink -- those who get off on the idea of being controlled during sex -- and establish boundaries for playing out those desires in mutually safe and consensual ways.

        It's not the urge or the desire that makes it rape.  It's ignoring what the other person wants or needs; it's failing to think of the other person as a person at all.

        •  It's the invalidation-ultimate control of another. (1+ / 0-)
          Recommended by:
          Batya the Toon

          Yah, the trick here is that with most sadism and masochism, there are safe words, so it's not really complete control over another or being completely controlled by someone at all. It is the fantasy.

          We talk about this regarding fantasies of those who have been abused or assaulted. When there are been these issues fantasies regarding control are common...but in fantasy we have complete control over the narrative, as we do in "contractual bondage". We have an aggreement with another.

          In complete control over another...we can assault them, torture them, kill them. In those situations there is complete invalidation of the other person. It's as if that person is not valid...or important.

          So I agree...it's the combination of control...and invalidation. But on the continuum of control...ultimate control exists only when we no longer care at all about the other person.

    •  Don't Be That Guy (1+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:
      CayceP

      Links to the original Don't Be That Guy campaign, and here.
      Another group that's picked up the ball here.

      Democracy has a well-known liberal bias.

      by MrCanoehead on Sat May 04, 2013 at 03:28:35 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

    •  I'm an older single lady (1+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:
      CayceP

      and I've completely given up dating, because these days it seems like sex is all about boundary-testing and one-upmanship. If you want to wait to get to know someone a bit before testing the sexual waters, the guy will push and bargain every single time you see him and it's like some weird victory dance when he finally achieves his single-minded mission objective. If you're enthusiastic about sex, the guy will probe to find something that you're un-enthusiastic about and try to violate that boundary (usually it's straight-outta-porn stuff). Our culture is sick around sex and it's gotten worse since I was younger. It all feels coercive and transactional. Something definitely needs to change.

      Do you not see that it is the grossest idolatry to speak of the market as though it were the rival of God?

      by kismet on Sat May 04, 2013 at 04:51:07 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

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