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View Diary: College Life, Rape and Public Discourse (83 comments)

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  •  Bottom line=rapist get off on control (2+ / 0-)
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    sturunner, CayceP

    They are not after a mutually satisfying sexual experience. They want what they want, and they want it NOW. This is more important to them, than the relationship (even if it's just based on a mutually satisfying sexual encounter) that would have to take place if a great sexual experience were negotiated. These individuals do not want to negotiate a mutually satisfying experience...it is one sided...this is the most salient point..

    A rapist is not after a normal sexual experience...it's not normal to "take sex" any way you can.

    Real men like real sex!!!

    •  The trouble with that narrative is (0+ / 0-)

      that there are also non-rapists who get off on the idea of control during sex.  They're the ones who look for partners who have the complementary kink -- those who get off on the idea of being controlled during sex -- and establish boundaries for playing out those desires in mutually safe and consensual ways.

      It's not the urge or the desire that makes it rape.  It's ignoring what the other person wants or needs; it's failing to think of the other person as a person at all.

      •  It's the invalidation-ultimate control of another. (1+ / 0-)
        Recommended by:
        Batya the Toon

        Yah, the trick here is that with most sadism and masochism, there are safe words, so it's not really complete control over another or being completely controlled by someone at all. It is the fantasy.

        We talk about this regarding fantasies of those who have been abused or assaulted. When there are been these issues fantasies regarding control are common...but in fantasy we have complete control over the narrative, as we do in "contractual bondage". We have an aggreement with another.

        In complete control over another...we can assault them, torture them, kill them. In those situations there is complete invalidation of the other person. It's as if that person is not valid...or important.

        So I agree...it's the combination of control...and invalidation. But on the continuum of control...ultimate control exists only when we no longer care at all about the other person.

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