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View Diary: THANK YOU FOR YOUR HELP TODAY! Son-in-Law Fired After 3.5 Years of Emotional Torture (194 comments)

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  •  as Lonely Liberal in PA wrote, #1: breathe. (21+ / 0-)

    Despite this present difficulty, you have blessings out the wah-zoo.  Take a moment to breathe and think about all the many things for which you can all give thanks.

    Now ...

    How are your SIL's networking skills?

    Last month, three mid-managers walked out at the same time.  
    Those who left before him might provide some excellent leads and/or suggestions.
    Now, what should I do?  Sell my house?  Sell their house?  Sell both houses?  Do nothing and coast for a couple of years, risk using my savings up hoping my SIL will be able to recreate his income to pay the taxes, insurance, and living expenses for his family before I run out of all savings?  
    Where do you live?  How far apart are the two houses?  How old are you? Were you planning to move in with them eventually?  Would it make sense to sell both places and get one two-family dwelling?
    •  Thanks (6+ / 0-)

      Salt Lake Utah

      Houses are block away

      Age 66


      We have talked about selling both and buying one home w/mother-in-law apt or building one on their larger than my home.

      It's difficult to be happy knowing so many suffer. We must unite.

      by War on Error on Mon Sep 09, 2013 at 11:43:57 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      •  That's an option either way (2+ / 0-)
        Recommended by:
        JBL55, wonderful world

        Not the best, but workable.

        I'm living in America, and in America you're on your own. America's not a country. It's just a business.

        by CFAmick on Mon Sep 09, 2013 at 12:24:27 PM PDT

        [ Parent ]

      •  So this would move up the time frame ... (9+ / 0-)
        We have talked about selling both and buying one home w/mother-in-law apt or building one on their larger than my home.
        ... on a transition you were already talking about.  I was hoping you were going to say that.  :-)

        When I was in my late teens, I watched my mother's parents make a big change when they were not much older than you are now: they sold the house in which my grandfather had been born and moved into an apartment in town.

        It was a very positive thing to witness.  They moved because Grandpa's arthritis was making it difficult for him to remain in a 150-year-old three-story house, and they did it before it became absolutely imperative, which gave them a whole lot more control over the matter if they had waited until the absolute last minute.

        A number of other ancient relatives could not imagine doing such a thing, and by the time they could not manage on their own any more, their choices had dwindled to one or two options they didn't like at all.  In addition, selling their houses under those circumstances forced them to take the first low-ball offer made by whichever speculative vulture spoke up.

        Grandma passed unexpectedly not long after the move, and although he had to deal with two strokes and two pacemaker operations, Grandpa lived another twenty years in that apartment -- full, productive, and fairly happy years from what I could see.

        My lesson?  Downsize before I have to, while I am relatively strong and in good health, when it's not a big deal to do so, and while I can exercise a lot more choice about where I go and how long to wait for the price I want for my house.  I'm nine years younger than you are, and I'm thinking I should be in that smaller place in town by my seventieth birthday.

        Look, I'm just sharing my own proposed solution to my own situation, which is not exactly the same as yours.  I don't have any kids of my own, and I don't have any expectation my nieces or stepson will want to do with me what your daughter and SIL want to do with you in terms of sharing an accommodation, which is just one of those blessings of yours I mentioned before.

        But I believe Grandpa would nod approvingly at your plans to simplify your life sooner rather than later.  He wouldn't be happy about it being sparked by your SIL's job crisis, but he might think that pile of manure contained a pretty good pony.


        •  Many, many thanks for your great advice (4+ / 0-)

          Yours and others have really helped qualm my insecurities about decision making.  

          I hadn't thought about selling my home and moving into an apartment in a less rural area.  Honestly, that sounds like fun.  I have been grandma-on-the-shelf-ready-and-able-24/7 for 15 years now.  Perhaps I need to cut the apron strings (gulp, guilt go away)  

          It's difficult to be happy knowing so many suffer. We must unite.

          by War on Error on Mon Sep 09, 2013 at 01:22:30 PM PDT

          [ Parent ]

          •  No guilt there. One of the best things you can do (4+ / 0-)

            for your adult kids and their children is to make sure you are in a good place and secure.  I have seen many families founder when the grandparents unexpectedly become insecure and the grandparents' needs are added to the burdens of the younger family.  You should not feel guilty about thinking how to keep yourself secure.  

            •  It also can be quite instructive. (0+ / 0-)

              Both my sister and I were impressed with our grandparents' logical, objective, pro-active approach, especially compared with some of their contemporaries who were determined to stay put, even as their situations grew increasingly untenable and they became dependant on family members to keep them "independent."

              I am deeply grateful to Grandma & Grandpa for setting such an excellent example.

          •  Opportunity disguised as loss ... (2+ / 0-)
            Recommended by:
            War on Error, JBL55

            we're going to be seeing a lot more of that in the next decade as we boomers regroup and re-imagine our future.

            Me? I've been living on my own for 15 years, good health but finances aren't where they need to be considering I'm in good health. No kids, no spouse, younger extended family members are coming and going but not settled yet, lots of friends in a similar situation. Recently the idea of a multi-gen living situation has started to look appealing. Co-housing. Cooking and gardening together in an urban setting. Starting to dream a new dream.

             WoE, sending good vibes your way tonight!

            "Let us not look back to the past with anger, nor towards the future with fear, but look around with awareness." James Thurber

            by annan on Mon Sep 09, 2013 at 06:27:57 PM PDT

            [ Parent ]

          •  Here's another thing to think about. (0+ / 0-)

            When Grandpa decided he shouldn't be driving any more, he simply stopped driving and asked my mother to sell his car for him.

            He was in a building with an elevator, and he could walk to church, the grocery store, the post office, the bank ...

            If he wanted to go anywhere else there was a bus that stopped in front of his building he could take either to several nearby towns or to NYC from where he could fly or take the train practically anywhere.

            And my mother was always happy to drive him places.  It reached a point where she did her weekly grocery shopping with him: she'd pick him up and drive to the grocery store where they'd each push their own carts and get what they each needed, and then she'd drive him home and help him with the groceries if he wanted her to.

            He was a very independent-minded guy and a real introvert -- when his hearing began to go he didn't mind because then nobody expected him to hold up his end of the conversation.  

            As you can imagine, he was not up for sharing digs with anyone, which was one of his reasons for making sure nobody wanted to move him in with them.  His parents lived with him and Grandma in their later years and I'm sure that experience was quite formative for them.

            Good luck with whatever you decide to do!

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