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View Diary: Adoption Series Part 1 - Bitter Truths (101 comments)

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  •  Good diary ! (13+ / 0-)

    There is another aspect that brings it's own set of circumstances.  In Family adoptions.   Many think this is the best way to go and to a degree it is.   The complication is there still.   As a grandparent who had been the children's lives since birth, the whole process is nightmarish in many respects for all involved.  There is love involved for the bio parents and a history.   When the state steps in ..the world for the adoptees start falling apart.   The whole idea of keeping children together and with relatives is a good idea but this situation too is confusing for the kids and the adoptive parents.  Some say, Why didn't you just keep custody and not adopt?  Many reasons.   Usually in these in family adoptions that was tried for years, it was in our case and the birth parent or parents or legal with rights start interfering and not in a good way.  

    The kids were neglected or abused and they fly in with their own demands of raising these children and you are stuck with all the responsibility and no authority.   Worst thing in the world.  responsibility with authority and a continual battle.  At some point, you just say enough.   Especially when the bio's are causing havoc with discipline, school, behavior, etc.  If one is not careful the bio's can cause the kids to go back in the system.  When things do not change year after year after year.. The best thing I believe is the Aunt, or Grandparent, or sister, if met with extreme background studies is to adopt ..  The problem is except with our youngest who we adopted before she knew we were grandparents first...is they still see Mom and Dad and grandma and grandpa even though that role changed.   Our two youngest ones are still very much adjusted and see our values,etc as that is all they have known.  The other two have sought out the birth mom who they are grown now and play the drug game and irresponsibility thing with her.  They call and come see us and love us but they are pretty confused and they never did without their Daddy at all.  They had a consistency of love from birth on with people they knew.   It is indeed complex and very hard on just about everyone involved but I have wondered about the oldest two if they would have been better with strangers out of the reach of influence from the abusive parent.   Adoption did not stop her as she knew exaclty how to manipulate authorities and destroy not only her life but two of the 4 children and now the next to the oldest has abandoned her and lives on his own .  Both of those kids have had intense therapy.  

    In all of these years and opportunities to make things right, that birth mom never has stopped her merrigo round of drugs, party, and neglect.  That is sad.   She had the opportunity over and over and over to interact.   She is not allowed anywhere around these other children.. Well one just started college and the other is very exceptional.
    Age of the children and bonding has a lot to do with the degree of belonging I feel.  I still say it is easier for family to adopt than strangers.  They still have a sense of belonging to people they are very used to.

    We the People have to make a difference and the Change.....Just do it ! Be part of helping us build a veteran community online. United Veterans of America

    by Vetwife on Mon Sep 30, 2013 at 06:51:36 AM PDT

    •  These are very often the stories I see. (8+ / 0-)

      I do this all day long.  I see it second hand, though - I am support staff, not a case worker.

      Removals suck, but suck less than letting the child stay where they are.

      It seems like the agencies are doing a far better job in the last decade than they did in the past.  Perhaps that's a low bar, but I'm still glad of it.

      Drug and alcohol problems.  99% of what we see.  I don't know how to change it.  I'm just glad that there is a system, however imperfect, to try to deal with it.

      The squeaking wheel gets greased.  That's really the whole game.  It's all the people who work to make it better, and don't settle for a poor job, that will keep making it better.

      To the adoptees and foster kids:

      So many people love and care about you, despite the fact that they will never know you.  We are imperfect and fail often.  I am so sorry for that.

      Sorry for the rambling...


      The Fail will continue until actual torches and pitchforks are set in motion. - Pangolin@kunstler.com

      by No one gets out alive on Mon Sep 30, 2013 at 12:26:45 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

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