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View Diary: Adoption Series Part 1 - Bitter Truths (101 comments)

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  •  coming to this late (2+ / 0-)
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    ladijules, Ruby Rana

    by virtue of a link a friend of mine posted on her FB page.

    I'm an adult adoptee, adopted as an infant some 50 years ago.  I had wonderful parents, and a good childhood, shared with two younger brothers, one also adopted, the youngest the surprise biological child.  They tried hard to make it all the same, I know they did.  But it really wasn't, in so many ways.  Not that I felt unloved, I didn't, and still don't.  But we didn't fit the same way in subtle and not so subtle ways that I still can't easily explain.  The most obvious is silly stuff like my brother and I both being tall, and the rest of our family very much not.  But that never bothered me.  I think it did bother my mom, who felt embarrassed about our adoption and would just say she gave us lots of vitamins! ;)

    Personality wise, pretty big differences.   I'm the lone black sheep empathetic touchy-feely liberal in a family that's very much not any of that.  I'm not saying that can't happen in families with no adoption element.  Just that already knowing you don't have the biological connection makes those differences feel a bit more loaded, in some way.

    The medical stuff, the what is my story stuff - that all hit me only after my own kids were born.  Before that, I somehow had absorbed the "happy adoptees who love their parents don't really care about knowing more" thing that subtly seemed to be the message.  But when I did look, what I found was a birthmom so traumatized by my birth (well, existence really, since it was ongoing) that I really struggled with the feeling that my life had in some ways brought a lot of pain to someone else, and there wasn't much I could do to fix it, since even now she's petrified to have anyone in her world know, convinced at 67 years old, they'd reject her even now.  

    Adoption is complicated.  Sometimes filled with so much joy.  Sometimes filled with so much pain.  Sometimes filled with both.  But I think knowing and acknowledging that can go a long way to making things better.  

    Thanks so much for giving a voice to all of this...

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