In their first interview since the Great Shellshocking of 2012, Mitt and Ann allow Chris Wallace into one of their many homes so they can wax philosophical about the defeat everyone outside of their delusional bubble knew was coming, and Ann takes this opportunity to assure us that yes, she's still quite disappointed in you people for not seizing the great opportunity to let her husband regularly insult you from the Oval Office.
Wallace joins them in La Jolla, which is in California, which is, as Mitt informed us during the election, almost as much of a hellhole as Europe because taxes. Which is why he owns a beach front mansion there, of course. That would be the beach front mansion they're turning into a bigger beach front mansion, complete with car elevator, with the assistance of the private lobbyist they hired to fast-track their construction plans, like all totally normal average Americans do.
Yeah, don't you miss these people so much? If you do, head below the fold for lots of delusions, plus Ann's tear of sorrow for you people.
So what has Ann been doing with her time since she stopped traveling around the country to tell you people what ingrates you are for not appreciating her husband? She's been crying, of course—big fat crocodile tears of sorrow for you and your missed opportunity:
ANN ROMNEY: It was a crushing disappointment. Not for us. Our lives are going to be fine. It's for the country.Ann and her eleventy billion houses and her fancy horse and her two Cadillacs will be just fine, thank you very much, but as for the rest of the country ... Ann weeps for you. A lot:
WALLACE: Is it true you began to cry?
ANN ROMNEY: I did, of course. Yes. Very disappointed.
WALLACE: So let me ask you about the months from November until now, were there tears?Remember, those tears of self-pity, because it's very hard to lose, are not for her. They're for you, America. For you.
ANN ROMNEY: Oh, for me, yes. I cried. When you pour that much of your life and energy and passion into something and you're disappointed by the outcome, it's very -- it's sad. It's very hard.
WALLACE: Mrs. Romney, as we sit here right now, have you gotten over the defeat? Or is that going to take more time?She may be mostly dead, but she's nowhere near done whining about it:
ANN ROMNEY: I think it takes time. I think I'm mostly -- you know, the great "Princess Bride" line, "mostly dead."
I'm mostly over it. But not completely.
And you have moments where you, you know, go back and feel the sorrow of the loss. And so, yes, I think we're not mostly dead yet.
ANN ROMNEY: You never like it. And I never like it. And I -- you know, I'm like a she-lion when it comes to defending Mitt. And I know -- I know his heart; I know his abilities. I know he would have been a fabulous president and I mourn the fact that he's not there.
And it would have been -- it would have been much better for America, I believe, in my heart if he had been there right now.
Damn you, America! But at least she's not bitter. Not like, say, her husband:
MITT ROMNEY: The president had the power of incumbency. ObamaCare was very attractive, particularly to those without health insurance. And they came out in large numbers to vote. So that was part of a successful campaign.Curse that sneaky president and his popular policies that made people want to vote for him instead of the guy who called them a bunch of deadbeat takers! Oh, plus, also having a better campaign that everyone except the Romneys could see:
I think they had a better ground game. And I think we were not aware -- you know, we certainly had the passion coming from our side, and I don't think we were as aware of the passion that was coming from the other side. I think we were a little blindsided by that.Yeah, it sure it surprising when all the polls turn out to be right and Karl Rove is wrong.
Also, Ann thinks the media and the Obama campaign were very unfair to her husband because he's a swell guy—no, really, he is!—and yet, for some reason, no one saw that.
WALLACE: Do you think the media was in the tank for Barack Obama?If Mitt were president, there would be no sequester. Also, no war, no debt, no terrorism, no child would go to bed hungry at night, it would never rain on your wedding day, and everyone would have a pony. Two ponies! Because Mitt's that good. See what you're missing, America? DO YOU GET IT NOW?!?!?
ANN ROMNEY: I think that it's -- anytime you're running for office, you always think that you're being portrayed unfairly.
And, you know, we -- of course, on our side believe that there's more bias in favor of the other side. I think that that's a pretty universal -- universally-felt opinion.
WALLACE: What do you think of the campaign that Barack Obama ran?
ANN ROMNEY: I think, obviously, it was a winning campaign. It worked.
WALLACE: Do you think it was fair?
ANN ROMNEY: No.
WALLACE: In what way?
ANN ROMNEY: Portrayal of my husband. He is an exceptional, wonderful person.
MITT ROMNEY: She's not biased at all.
ANN ROMNEY: I'm not biased! And, you know, and he -- I mean, he really is a selfless person that really, truly cared about the American people. He truly cares about making a difference and about helping others. And for him to be portrayed in a very negative light in another way was very hard.
He has enormous skill set in dealing with difficult issues and I totally believe at this moment if Mitt were there in the office, that we would not be facing sequestration right now.
Because Ann can't stop talking, Wallace then speaks with Mitt separately. He explains how Obama sucks because if Mitt were president, we wouldn't have the sequester, and also, Mitt totally worked with Democrats that one time he was governor, so, ya know. He woulda fixed all those problems by now. And as for all those awful things Mitt couldn't stop saying during the election? He didn't mean them anyway:
Yes, it was a very unfortunate statement that I made. It's not what I meant. I didn't express myself as I wished I would have.Yup. That's the Mitt we all knew and despised—the guy who would say anything and then insist it's not what he meant anyway. Really a shame he's not our president now, isn't it?