Ala. - An Alabama proctologist is refusing to treat Republican voters, provoking outrage from the right. He wrote a statement, which he sent out to all of his patients. The statement read in part, "We are sorry to inform you that if you are a Republican voter, we will no longer be able to treat any conditions you may have.
We simply don't have the staff or the time to remove all of the sticks, anymore. With the passage of health care reform, we are seeing a new influx of patients who need immediate care. In many cases, the Republican voters we've seen have had these sticks in there for so long that they can just keep them or seek treatment elsewhere."
This action is frustrating to a large amount of conservative voters in this state and in the country. Our sources are told that the majority of proctology patients are Republican or conservative voters. They are typically treated for getting sticks embedded inside themselves. These patients, according to sources, tend to be sexually repressed, ignorant people, so these doctors also see many cases where a patient has decided to please himself with an object that got stuck.
One nurse told me that anyone who has done this "should seek immediate psychological help..." but e-mailed to say she misspoke and she meant "emergency" help. Not psychological.
Rush Limbaugh, who's had tons of anal surgeries, is outraged at this doctor.
"Where will we go? What will we do? I mean sure my anal cyst is gone but what about the millions of Americans with sticks up their asses? Who will they turn to? This is another case of Obamacare's obvious failure."
When reminded that he said he wanted President Obama to fail, he offered no further comment.
The RNC is planning on a major ad buy with the money they still have after their chairman spent thousands on lesbian bondage clubs. The ads will say that President Obama clearly doesn't care about removing sticks from Republicans' backsides and will show instances of irritability and hostility based on these pre-existing conditions and how they led to inaction by the Republican Party.
RNC Chair Michael Steele says he can't wait to take back America.