(Warning: Read all the way to the end for full impact and and the ultimate purpose of this diary entry.)
Overjoyed Cigna executives celebrated the health insurer’s 50 billionth fucking over of a customer Thursday, personally surprising 56-year-old spinal trauma victim Clyde Gershon with champagne, confetti, and hundreds of multicolored balloons as they denied his most recent disability claim.The celebration has been a long time in planning:
The wheelchair-bound Gershon, who has required an expensive regimen of pills and physical therapy since a 2010 car crash, was greeted at his front door by cheering, party-hat-wearing members of Cigna’s senior management, who posed for pictures while presenting him with an oversized cardboard “Claim Denied!” letter explaining that he was judged fit to return to work and would lose all coverage at the end of the month.
“We did it! We’ve completely and utterly fucked over a customer for the 50 billionth time," exclaimed CEO David Cordani, drawing a vibrant round of applause as Gershon, gaunt and dejected, stared blankly off into the distance. “Ruining this many lives is an accomplishment no one ever could have dreamed of back in 1982 when Cigna was founded. And today, I can proudly say we have not only achieved it, but inflicted an incalculable amount of mental anguish along the way.”
According to sources, Cigna has been preparing to commemorate the 50-billion milestone since late April, when its “Big Board”—an electronic ticker counting the number of customers the company has savagely fucked over—passed 49,500,000,000 after the insurer postponed coverage of an unemployed father’s kidney transplant for the fourth time, forcing his family to accumulate mounds and mounds of debt to pay for dialysis.Of course, Cigna executives have profited from the celebration antics:
Excitement continued to grow throughout the summer as eager employees began refusing claims for procedures the company had previously covered by saying that they “hadn’t been coded right,” which accelerated its march towards 50 billion by an additional 200,000 fucking-overs per day.
“In my 13 years helping this company prevent sick people from getting the health care they need, there has never been a more exciting—or lucrative—time to work here,” said Cigna’s executive vice president Mark Boxer, celebrating at the office with the national accounts team, which took turns swinging at a cancer-patient shaped piñata. “Under my watch, we’ve fucked so many people over that I received a 25 percent raise last year, putting my annual salary at close to $20 million dollars and really motivating me to stick it to our customers like never before.”Sadly, for those in need of health care, evil Cigna has no plans to stop its fucking over of the disabled and sick:
By the 49,975,000,000 mark, a party atmosphere reportedly began to engulf Cigna’s Bloomfield, CT headquarters. Claims processors would reportedly fuck patients over first by waiting weeks to pay their medical providers, and then by sending them the wrong amount. Gleeful telephone operators fucked over customers by openly hanging up on the ones who had called to protest being fucked over.
In the days leading up to 50,000,000,000, sources said, customers were getting a “full fucking over from every direction.”
“We’re not going to stop fucking people over any time soon,” said Nicoletti, adding that he hoped to get to 75 billion by the holidays, which he described as truly the most fun and fulfilling time to fuck somebody over. “It just goes back to the promise we make to every one of our customers: You turn to Cigna for protection in times of ill health, and we’ll be there to totally fuck you over.”In the not-at-all-ironic news department, one of the brothers of those 'fucked over' customers has started a change.org petition to secure coverage of a lifesaving drug for his brother. You see, Cigna wants his brother to use a different drug that will literally kill him:
My brother Seth is 13 years old. He’s a kind, smart, tender-hearted boy who love sports and loves being outside. He is also extremely sick. Seth has Type 1 Diabetes and Insulin Growth Factor Type 1, which acting together are inhibiting his growth and preventing him from leading a normal, active life.And, you know, in other news, the NHS continues to provide free-at-point-of-use medical care for all citizens in a much poorer country than the United States.
However, there’s a FDA-approved medication called Increlex that’s already proven to be a miracle. Dr. Casas, Seth’s endocrinologist who works with many kids just like Seth, prescribed Increlex for Seth, and Seth took it for 4 months. Increlex is a very specific medication for people in Seth’s position who have both Type 1 Diabetes and IGHD. In those 4 months, Seth got taller, he gained weight, he developed, his grades rose and he started once more to lead a normal life. It was truly a miracle.
However, Cigna will not cover Increlex- which costs $20,000 per month- because they say Seth is “too healthy.” Seth is “too healthy” because the Increlex Dr. Casas prescribed him was working. They will only cover a different growth hormone medication which- because he has Type 1 Diabetes- could end up killing him. Essentially, Seth has to get sicker and risk the underdevelopment of his body and internal organs until Cigna agrees to cover his medication.