As far back as I can remember I've always felt different. I never quite fit in when I was in school and, because my family moved a lot when I was younger, I didn't make many friends. I was never comfortable in my own skin and for the longest time I could never figure out why that was.
Then came Junior High. I remember that I was home sick one day, this wasn't an uncommon thing I was sick quite a bit as a kid probably due to stress build up from an undiagnosed bi-polar disorder and other things. I was watching TV in my room while laying down and a talk show came on. I forget which one it was, but I don't think that it was one of the trashy ones but I could be wrong, and the subject was transvestites. I watched as people told their stories and it began to dawn on me that I was relating to these people. I repressed this feeling until I was in high school when I saw more programs dealing with this issue so I started to read magazine articles and look through books about sexuality in high school and college.
All the while I went back and forth about the feelings that I had. I knew that being trans was who I was but I just denied it and repressed and just kept being miserable. While going through middle school and high school I was bullied relentlessly. Never physically mind you, just verbally and emotionally. In fact that's all I really remember about most of my school life, aside from the one friend I made at the time. Eventually I graduated and left those people behind. I went to college, where I was a mouthy jerk about the things I believed in and was generally just angry all the time. In my second year there I was diagnosed with a chemical imbalance and was started on medication for it. For the first time I could think mostly clearly and I realized that I was still transgendered. I knew how I wanted to live but I still denied it, all the while still reading about it and researching it.
I've been in denial for almost twenty years and I've just grown tired of it. I made the decision to come out here, where I have some degree of anonymity, because I needed to come out to someone besides my best friend and my counselor. I was terrified of doing so but I went through with it because I was just tired of feeling ashamed and scared of what people would think. I honestly feel like a huge weight was taken off my chest and I'm glad I did what I did. I think I'm on the road to happiness and I wish that I had talked to someone about this years ago.
For anyone living in fear I can tell you that it does get better. It sometimes takes a long time, sometimes many years, but it does get better. If you can't be out in real life, come out in a way that gives you some anonymity and don't let bullies rule your life by keeping you afraid. Talk to someone about what's going on, talk to a guidance counselor or even just blog about it and put your feelings out there. I can tell you, from the bottom of my heart, that you matter. You may not feel like it now, and there may be people in your life saying that you're worthless or that you can't do anything right, but I can tell you that those people are wrong. The very fact that you draw breath means that you matter and that your life as a purpose and a meaning for you to discover.
I'm not saying that it will be easy, because it most certainly will not, but I am saying that you get through this and on the other side you'll be stronger for it and the people who pushed you around will still be just bullies. Take it from a survivor it does get better.
That's all for now
May God bless you and may God be gracious to you
End of line