I'm not sure when I understood fear for the first time. I remember being 5 years old and nearly being lured to molestation, but I wasn't scared. I became aware at that point of the evil around that will attempt, at any turn, to permeate your life.

Fear itself, though, didn't really earn my acknowledgment until I was hospitalized and told that I would be losing part of my body. Everything in my world turned upside down. I was faced with what would only be the beginning of a never ending medical nightmare.

Details don't matter here...and I wouldn't subject any of you to the gore of my ordeal anyway...I can barely stand to remember it myself.

The point buried under all that introduction is this, Fear is powerful and sneaky. You may think you have it under control but it's there lurking and doing other damage to your psyche.

After 8 years of medical bullshit and harsh treatments, I fear going to the doctor. Who would have thought?

My condition is termed refractory, which is a fancy word for resistant to treatment. It doesn't matter if I keep my primary condition under control, the secondary condition is just determined to stay alive.

This leads to me burning out on doctors and being extremely critical of their methods, and eventually I stop going because I just can't face yet another office visit where I will hear not so good news.

My recent hiatus from medical care was due to several deaths in the family, the holidays and moving. Right now, that bastard Fear is working his bad mojo in my head, drumming up memories of past operations and hospitalizations...making me just want to hide.

It's the proverbial vicious cycle.

It's a tough nut to crack too, even though I'm aware of the psychological reasons for my behavior, and even though I know I should resume my care, I can't make myself pick up that phone. I don't want to see the look of disappointment on my doctor's face, though he'll try to hide it, I'll still see it flash through in his eyes.

There's no real point to this blog.

Just relating a condition that might be familiar to some, and to say that even though I am filled with fear at what will likely happen, I will conquer that fear yet again, and I hope that those who avoid medical care for the same reason, will think twice and make the call to your physician soon.

Originally posted to One Thin Paradigm on Tue Jan 29, 2013 at 11:29 AM PST.

Also republished by Community Spotlight.

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