In shocking news today, a woman reported an exchange she experienced as mansplaining - that thing that witch-hunting women with hyper-active imaginations and super-sensitive grudges on their shoulders complain of, but which no one has yet to prove really happens.
Oh wait. That's not shocking. What's shocking is that a mere woman should expect that her experience be seen as valid unless men have seen fit to give the anointment oil to that one, particular experience. (Each experience must be independently verified. Women can not be trusted to have the sense to maintain a sound mind for these kinds of evaluations.)
Let's be clear. Until male scientists develop the penis-shaped Mansplain Meter which can identify and measure the intensity of a mansplanation, we cannot be expected to affirm that a woman's experience, and her intuition about the underlying dynamics of it, could possibly be correct. It is of tantamount importance that she be set straight.
Until the Mansplain Meter is developed, let it be known that men are the ultimate authority on determining when a mansplanation has occurred and it is the burden of the woman to prove beyond his male-dominated doubt that mansplaining has occurred.
Women simply shouldn't discuss, much less write, about these things until they have the stamp of approval of a cross-section of males from all the different sports team fan bases. (you can't rely on a Cardinals fan without a double affirmation from a Oilers fan, after all.)
If women are foolish enough to do so, it is perfectly reasonable to have men put her in check by demanding proof. It is important to the continuity of mascu-manity that she be held accountable for her misbehavior by being publicly chastized as rude for having had what a man deems as less than civil response to the man whom she is accusing of mansplaining, as it is unacceptable that women have the audacity to be upset with a man, until the aforementioned cross-section of men have deemed her assessment of mansplaining to be correct. Until such time, she is to be polite and deferent. Any other behavior is a punishable offense.
Now.. back to our regular programming....
in future news, all references to women will be changed to "person of color", all references of "mansplaining" will be changed to "whitesplaining" and the needed instrument of measure will be the halo-shaped Whitesplain Widget. We can predict the need for this news, as we know some ill-bred person of color is likely to complain about having been whitesplained to and will then be offended when white people come along to explain how wrong they are and put them in their place.
7:18 PM PT: Again, we break into our regular programming to report that our initial story left out a key component to establishing the Mansplain Complaint Protocol.
It is not ironic at all, nor would it be proper to omit, men declaring their own feminist credentials whilst denying a woman's mansplaining complaint. This self-declaration of a proper feminist perspective serves to concretely verify the extra-special veracity of their assessment that your complaint is without merit. Since men have superior sensibilities to the subtleties of sexism and are far more skilled at self-assessment of their own qualities, it is critical that men announce the depth of their actualized feminist self when judging a woman's report of sexism.
7:47 PM PT: We're sorry to interrupt your regular programming again, but apparently, we didn't make this clear enough: benefit of the doubt always goes to the male in an interaction. Get with the program, folks! Misogsociety is dependent upon it!
8:17 PM PT: The producers of tonight's new would like to send appreciation to those so obediently following the Mansplaining Protocol so soon after publication. It is heartening to realize that we are that influential. We are encouraged to continue our work of laying out the protocols for a proper civil society. Thank you for being the role models you are.
Sat Mar 16, 2013 at 9:08 AM PT: We would like to acknowledge that our protocol outline is a work in progress and is not complete. This could be why some people are not clear about some aspects of the protocol. The producers will consider running another news piece with more details spelled out, since we know women will need every aspect made explicit or it would be too taxing for their man-hating brains.
Until then, we would remind everybody that solidarity is important. When a complaint of mansplaining is made, we cannot let the tender reputation and vulnerable position of men take a hit, if there is any chance at all that we can find any line of logic to justify a man's behavior toward a woman which could maybe, possibly suggest that he didn't really intend to be sexist. We can't let women start making false accusations. We all remember that dark, dark period in history where the male gender went almost extinct due to a plague of false accusations of mansplaining. Be alert. Don't let a woman get one minute of peace when she makes a mansplaining accusation. The risk is far too great.