OK

Don't worry; it'll be better for both of us. It's not you, it is I who have changed. And all of those other bromides that people say when you end a relationship. Please follow me below the thing to find out what I did. Revenge is sweet, but not quite complete.

I still remember my 1st taste of catchup; I must have been about 10 years old, in Austria, visiting my brother-in-law's relatives. There was a mysterious red sauce in a bottle, and I was allowed to taste it. It was doled out like liquid gold, and as far as I'm concerned it was.

When I arrived in the United States at age 8, in 1950, I soon became acquainted with Heinz tomato ketchup, and it quickly became my favorite condiment. Adults used to say that I put catchup on everything. “ I'll bet that he even puts ketchup on ice cream” they used to say of my fondness for what I consider to be the ultimate sauce. years later, I actually tried out catchup on ice cream. It was an experience I need not repeat, But at least I gave the lie to those who said I “even put catch up on ice cream”. I sometimes wear a T shirt that says “I put catchup on my catchup”. I have been known to compose poems to catchup, such as:

“One sauce to rule them all, one sauce to find them, one sauce to put on the scrambled eggs and thereby bind them,” etc.

Recently, I found out that Heinz had sold out to Monsanto, the ultimate betrayal. I resolved that I was going to make acceptable catchup at home, and so I researched recipes. It turns out that in the 'old days', catchup was fermented. I found a recipe and made up this batch, fermented it for 5 days as directed, and now have decanted it. The next time I have scrambled eggs, I will put it to the ultimate test. Revenge is sweet, but not quite complete. Now I have to try my homemade fermented catchup on scrambled eggs, the true test of catchup.

I have taken a solemn vow; no more Heinz. it breaks my heart, but it'll be better for both of us. I cannot countenance this betrayal and remain in this sick relationship. I'll remember you fondly, from back when you were just a simple American company, but I do not intend to let any of your products pass my lips ever again. I am resolved to make the best catchup ever.

Cry bitter tears, Heinz; you have lost your most faithful customer.

EMAIL TO A FRIEND X
Your Email has been sent.