Ex-Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer opined on the state of the presidential race on a Tuesday radio show. See if you can spot the moment when things went off the rails.
“People want a fighter. They’re tired of the lying killer, uh, Hillary Clinton and Bill Clintons of the world,” Brewer told Mac & Gaydos on KTAR News, the audio of which was first reported by Mediaite.
Now, before all you ne'er-do-wells out there make a big deal about a Republican governor calling a Democratic presidential candidate a "lying killer," a description popular on the most insane of conservative websites but generally not ascribed to by people who can successfully, say, put on pants, Jan Brewer has a perfectly reasonable explanation for this. BuzzFeed News phoned her up to get that explanation—and for the rest of this post I'm going to affect the mannerisms of Monty Python-era John Cleese, so feel free to imagine him in this role instead of sleep-deprived me.
“I was trying to say Hillary Clinton,” Brewer said. “It was a stumble of the tongue.”
“Good grief,” she added.
A stumble of the tongue? You turned "Hillary Clinton" into "lying killer" because of a stumble of the tongue?
No. A stumble of the tongue would be saying that for breakfast you had butlered toast. A stumble of the tongue would be crying out that you had just been stung by a fumblebee, or nervously telling your parents you met your current girlfriend on the intercourse. Turning the name "Hillary Clinton" into "lying killer" isn't a stumble of the tongue, it is your tongue leaping out of your mouth, falling down a flight of stairs and being impaled on the upturned stem of a broken wine glass dropped by your live-in cousin during one of his infamous two-in-the-morning basement benders. This is not a stumble of the tongue, this is a tongue rattling in the throes of death, a trembling, broken, vanquished tongue asking you to come closer so that it can look upon you one more time, a tongue mourning that it was just three days from retirement and it wishes it could have tasted ice cream just one last time.
This is a dead tongue, Jan Brewer. Bereft of life, your tongue rests in peace.
Sigh. I'm sorry—I can't do this anymore. This election season has gotten too silly. All of you—Jan, Donald, the whole lot—get out of here. Get out, and let's all just watch a nice nature documentary for a while.