(AP) John Kerry shocked political observers today when he announced that he was withdrawing from the presidential race weeks before the election. In an even more surprising move, his replacement was not popular vice-presidential pick John Edwards, but rather Christian messiah Jesus Christ.
Leading Republicans have remained officially quiet on the turnaround, but a group calling itself "Canaa Wedding Guests for Truth" has emerged to denounce Jesus's actions in Roman occupied Judea in the first century AD. The group is a "527" organization with no official ties to the Bush-Cheney administration or the GOP reelection effort.
"Jesus's actions in Canaa have been vastly overstated," claims Judas Iscariot, spokesman for the group. "First of all, I saw an oxcart pull up shortly before Jesus arrived that smelled strongly of fish. And Jesus claimed that he passed out loaves. It was pita bread; I'd hardly call them loaves."
Canaa Wedding Guests for Truth has not limited their attacks to Jesus's famous distribution of loaves and fish, however. Referring to the incident in which Jesus was reportedly seen walking on water, Iscariot claimed, "That water was - maybe - three inches deep. He was wearing lifts in his sandals."
Apostle Simon Peter, however, who was at the incident in question, disagrees. "We were fishing in that water, after all. We would have noticed if the water was that shallow."
Finally, Canaa Wedding Guests for Truth has publicly denounced claims that Jesus rose from the dead. "I was the doctor on duty when Jesus was cut down from the cross," claims Lucius Quintus Mendax, personal physician to Pontius Pilate. "Jesus was breathing heartily when he was removed form the cross; he definitely wasn't dead."
While no record exists of Mendax having been present at the crucifixion, that has not deterred him from his claims. "In fact, I think Jesus probably nailed himself up there so that he could help his election chances down the line."