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The Dead Election Sketch

Mr Voter walks into Elections Board carrying a dead Election in a cage. He walks to counter where Secretary of State tries to hide below cash register.

Voter: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.

        (The Secretary of State does not respond.)

        'Ello, Miss Harris?

SS:   What do you mean "miss"?

V:     I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!

SS:   Sorry, we're closin' for lunch.

V:     Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this ELECTION what I voted in not half a month ago in this very boutique.

SS:   Oh yes, the, uh, the Never Blue...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?

V:     I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!

SS:   No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.

V:     Look, matey, I know a dead Election when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.

SS:   No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable bird, the Never Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful turnout!

V:     The turnout don't enter into it. It's stone dead.

SS:   Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!

V:     All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouting at the cage) Hello Polling! I've got a nice Mid-Term for you when you wake up, Polling Election!

SS:   There, he moved!

V:     No, he didn't, that was you pushing the caged voters off the rolls.

SS:   I never!!

V:     Yes, you did!

SS:   I never, never did anything...

V:      (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO Polling Election!!!!!  Hello Polling! Polling!

         (Takes ELECTION out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter.)

         Polling Election, wake up! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock Democracy alarm call! Polling!  

         (Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)

         Now that's what I call a dead Election.

SS:    No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!

V:      STUNNED?!?

SS:    Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up!  Never Blues stun easily, major.

V:      Now look, matey, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That Election is definitely deceased, and when I voted not 'alf a month ago, you assured me that its total lack of accuracy was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged chat with friendly Democratic voters.

SS:    Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the Weighting Adjustments.

V:      PININ' for the WEIGHTING ADJUSTMENTS!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?

SS:    The Never Blue prefers kippin' on it's back! Remarkable bird, id'nit, squire? Lovely turnout!

V:      Look, I took the liberty of examining that Election when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there by the Networks.

(pause)

SS:    Well, o'course it was nailed there! Look, if that Election hadn't been nailed down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its Voter Preference, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!

V:     "VOOM"?!? Look Matey, this Election wouldn't "voom" if you put four million votes through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!

SS:    No no! 'E's pining!

V:     'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on!

        This Election is no more!

        'E has ceased to be!

        'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker!

        'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace!

        If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies!

        'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory!

        'E's off the twig!

        'E's kicked the bucket,

        'E's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!!

        THIS IS AN X-ELECTION!!!

(pause)

SS:    Well, I'd better replace it, then.

V:      (to camera) If you want to get anything done in this country you've got to complain till you're blue in the South.

SS:    (taking a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of Elections.

V:      I see. I see, I get the picture.

SS:    I got an Exit Poll.

(pause)

V:      (sweet as sugar) Pray, does it officially count?

SS:    Nnnnot really.

V:      WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?

SS:    Look, if you go to my brother's Elections Board in Ohio, he'll replace the Election for you.

V:      Ohio, eh? Very well.

The Voter leaves.

CAPTION: 'A SIMILAR ELECTIONS BOARD IN OHIO,'

Close-up of sign on door reading: 'Similar ELections Board Ltd'.  Pull back from sign to see same Elections Board. The Secretary of State is putting on a false moustache.  Voter walks into Elections Board. He looks around with interest, noticing the empty Election cage still on the floor.

V:       This is Ohio, is it?

SS:     No, it's Florida.

V:       (looking at the camera) That's Diebold voting booths for you.

The Voter goes to the Diebold Headquarters. He addresses a man standing behind a desk marked "Complaints".

V:      I wish to complain, Diebold Person.

Diebold: I DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS JOB, YOU KNOW!!!

V:      I beg your pardon...?

D:      I'm a qualified ATM specialist! I only do this job because I like being my own boss!

V:      Excuse me, this is irrelevant, isn't it?

D:      Yeah, well it's not easy to stall these voting irregularities out until certification, you know.

V:      Well, I wish to complain. I got on the Ohio train and found myself deposited here in Florida.

D:      No, this is Ohio.

V:      (to the camera) The Secretary of State's brother was lying!!

D:      Well, you can't blame Diebold for that.

V:      In that case, I shall return to the Elections Board!

He does.

V:       I understand this IS Ohio.

SS:      still with the fake mustache) Yes?

V:       You told me it was Florida!

SS:      ...It was a pun.

V:        (pause) A PUN?!?

SS:      No, no...not a pun...What's that thing that spells the same backwards as forwards?

V:        (Long pause) A palindrome...?

SS:      Yeah, that's it!

V:        It's not a palindrome! The palindrome of "OHIO" would be "OIHO"!! It don't work!!

SS:      Well, what do you want?

V:        No I'm sorry. I'm not prepared to pursue my line of inquiry any further as I think this is getting too silly!

DLC:    (coming in)  Quite agree.  Quite agree.  Silly...silly.  Right wing, get on with it.  Get on with it!

Originally posted to Voting Dem on Sat Nov 27, 2004 at 10:28 AM PST.

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Comment Preferences

  •  For What It's Worth (4.00)

    Vote Fraud is like Global Warming: by the time we get conclusive proof, it will already be too late.

    by Voting Dem on Sat Nov 27, 2004 at 10:17:59 AM PST

  •  Recommended (none)
    Because we all need a good laugh.

    "Free men of every generation must combat renewed efforts of organized force and greed to destroy liberty."
    --Fighting Bob La Follette

    by bramish on Sat Nov 27, 2004 at 10:41:40 AM PST

  •  And now for something somewhat different (none)
    Palin: And it's a straight fight here in the US and we're expecting the
           result any moment now.  There with the Returning Officer is John Kerry
           the sensible candidate and next to him is Geo.Q. Warustitty Bush the
           silly candidate with his agent and his silly wife.

    Idle:    (clears throat) Here is the result for The US.  John Kerry...
    Cleese:  (Sensible Party)
    Idle:    ... 612.  (applause)
             Geo. Q.(siren) Bunn Whackett(patang, patang) Buzzard Sloat(foghorn) and Boot (kazoo) Warustitty Bush...
    Cleese:  (Silly Party)
    Idle:    ...114,633,108.  (applause)

    Cleese:  Well there we have the final result of the election and the Silly
             party has clearly held The US by a stunning margin. back to you,  Norman.

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