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From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Revisiting Wolfowitz...
On WMDs: "They've worked at hiding them very, very deliberately. There's no question in my mind that there was something there. There are just too many pieces of evidence, and we'll get to the bottom of it."
On troop strength: "The notion that it would take several hundred thousand American troops just seems outlandish."
On American casualties: "[As of May 2, 2004] It's approximately 500 of which---I can get the exact numbers---approximately 350 are combat deaths." [Actual figure at the time of his statement: 738 deaths, of which 524 had been killed in combat]
On paying for the war: "There's a lot of money to pay for this. It doesn't have to be U.S. taxpayer money. We are dealing with a country that can really finance its own reconstruction and relatively soon."
There's the signpost straight ahead! Your next stop...The Twilight Zone.
Cheers and Jeers starts in the Extended Entry section... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, March 23, 2005...
NOTE: Today's column was written while I had a piece of red duct tape over my mouth with the word "Fart" on it.
By the Numbers:
Days til Easter: 4
Days `til taxes are due: 23
Consumption of sugar per person in 1967: 114 pounds
Consumption of sugar per person in 2003: 142 pounds
Consumption of soft drinks per person in 2003: 46 gallons
(Source: U.S. News & World Report)
Percent of dentists who bought yachts in 1967: 1%
Percent of dentists who bought yachts in 2003: 99%
Your Puppy Pic of the Day The eyes have it: http://www.inch.com/~dogs/choclabpup1.jpg. That is one guilty pup.
CHEERS to seeing the light. Last week: Catholic diocese of San Diego causes an uproar after it refuses to give deceased gay bar owner John McCusker a Catholic funeral. This week: Bishop Robert Brom apologizes and promises to hold a mass for McCusker: http://www.signonsandiego.com/news/metro/20050321-2013-bromapology.html. C&J is happy the diocese finally discovered the Golden Rule. Too bad it took `em so long to find it wedged between their sofa cushions.
JEERS to Dad's army. What do you do if you're the U.S. Army and you don't meet your recruiting goals? Raise the upper enlistment age for the Guard and Reserves to 39, of course: http://www.cnn.com/2005/US/03/22/army.recruiting.reut/index.html. New recruits will each get two holsters. One for their sidearm, and one for their jumbo tube of BenGay.
CHEERS to O Captain, My Captain! At Vanderbilt University last night, Howard Dean was...Howard Dean: http://www.tennessean.com/government/archives/05/03/67294794.shtml?Element_ID=67294794. Extra points for getting the religion part exactly right. Gimme an Amen!
CHEERS to cleaning up the town. When insurgents in Baghdad jumped out of their cars holding grenades, a fed-up local carpenter and his relatives grabbed their AK-47s and gave `em a taste of their own lead-based medicine: http://www.indystar.com/articles/7/231303-7767-010.html. Hell hath no fury like a craftsman scorned.
CHEERS to reality-based readers. Democrat-leaning magazines are doing well, say the folks at MyDD. Exhibit A: circulation for The Nation and The Progressive has doubled since 2000: http://www.mydd.com/story/2005/3/21/151925/002. The folks over at Lieberman Monthly haven't been as fortunate---they're readership has been reduced to some broad at a women's prison who still enjoys the centerfold.
CHEERS to Sergeant Rubberbutt. On March 23, 1944 RAF Sgt. Nickolas Alkemade survived a jump from his Lancaster bomber from 18,000 feet without a parachute. Other than some cuts and a twisted knee, he was fine: http://www.greenharbor.com/fffolder/ffallers.html. The guy he landed on...not so fine.
JEERS to Bush's faith. No, not in God...in Americans' ability to invest their money. USA Today says that we pretty much suck at it: http://www.usatoday.com/money/perfi/general/2005-03-23-investing-cover_x.htm. The kicker: "...had Bush's bold plan been enacted during the heady '90s, many new accounts likely would have slipped into the red once the stock market turned south in March 2000." And the hits just keep on comin'.
JEERS to meeting expectations. Right on cue, Rick "Man-on-Dog" Santorum accuses federal judge James Whittemore---who refused to have Terri Schiavo reattached to the creamed corn hose---of "judicial tyranny": http://atrios.blogspot.com/2005_03_20_atrios_archive.html#111151226189193927. This morning we find that a U.S. court upheld tyrant Whittemore's decision. So what card will the Senator from Pennsylvania play today: "Poopypants" or "Big Butthead?" Stay tuned...
CHEERS to humble beginnings. On this date in 1912, the Dixie Cup was invented. A day later someone tied a string between two of `em and gave birth to the telecommunications industry.
JEERS to lessons in contrast. USA's biggest problems: Crushing debt, runaway spending, war, out-of-control health care costs, takeover by the religious radicals, mercury in the water. France's biggest problems: what kind of cheese to have with dinner...and how to cope with the loss of the 35-frickin'-hour workweek: http://abcnews.go.com/International/wireStory?id=603853. Poor, poor Pierre.
CHEERS to the new kid on the block. The latest entry in Webster's Dictionary is "wedgie." Their official definition: "A prank in which the victim's undershorts are jerked upward so as to become wedged between the buttocks." C'mere, let me show you...
CHEERS to worldly wisdom. We've always wondered: why do certain coins have ridges on them? Thanks to Newsweek's "we gotta fill the space with something" department, mystery solved: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7244358/site/newsweek/. Now can someone please get to the bottom of the Ruffles conundrum?
C&J Flashback: March 23, 2004...
JEERS to medicine gone horribly awry. Government says patients on some popular antidepressants should watch out for---I kid you not---signs of suicidal tendencies. But new warning labels---"Do not stab or shoot yourself, jump off high buildings, place head in oven, or watch Fox News while popping these pills"---should help.
JEERS to Ohio drunks. New state law requires convicted DUI offenders to put "scarlet letter" license plates on their vehicles---red numbers on yellow background. I'll drink to that.
And just one more:
CHEERS to Bush's "Monica Moment." [Sigh] If only it had gotten the same press as, um, the original Monica Moment. Oh well, enjoy the moment, anyway: http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/graphics/bush_monica_moment.jpg.
Floor's open. What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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