After her huge score at the National Press Club dinner, The First Stand-up takes her act on the road. Her set:
Thank you for that warm reception, chattel and gentleman. It's nice to be here at the Dome of the Rock. Of course, the way backward and barbaric Muslims are blowing up Americans these days it's nice to be anywhere.
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I kid, I kid the Muslim people. Very devout, the Muslims. They pray like, what? 50 times a day? Makes you wonder where they find the time to stone heretics. I mean I'm all for traditional values but
stonings?? Get some civilization, huh? Spring for an electric chair. I can get you a used one cheap. Comes from the Texas Department of Corrections so when I say "used"...
Whoa, hey, that sound...is that a call to prayer or are American soldiers ass-raping that Imam with a flashlight and the express approval of Donald Rumsfeld? And speaking of DefCon Don, he wanted to be here today but he's busy planning to bomb the shit out of Iran killing untold innocent civilians which numbers we will work overtime to keep hidden from the world-at-large. Oops, did I say that? I meant "spreading freedom and democracy around the globe." And if you believe that I'm selling a stale shwarma half-eaten by Mohammed on eBay.
No but seriously, America isn't on a Crusade against the Muslim people with a secondary agenda of seizing as much of the world's oil supply as possible. In fact, it's just the opposite: Oil first, swarthy heathens after.
But I respect the religion of Islam. Just the other day my husband was in the White House john and I called to him, "George, did you see this horrible item in 'Newsweek'?" And he yelled back, "Why do you always do this?? You know I can't hear you when I'm pissing on the Quran!"
Hey, these are the jokes, people. What's with the hostility? Is this an audience or a pot-luck supper at MoveOn.org? And you, sir, take it easy. Or maybe you'd like your picture splashed across the front page of the Jericho Journal-Papyrus in a pair of tighty-whities.
Did ya see those Saddam pics? All I can say is "wow." That's one dictator that didn't need propping up. The man came with his own kickstand. Talk about your WMD; Weapon of Maximum Deflowerment. But tell me something...how smart are our smart bombs if we couldn't manage to drop one on those balls??
Well, that's my time. I'm Laura "Dice" Bush and I'll be at the Wailing Wall tomorrow night. Be sure to tip your waiter and whatever you do...don't try the pork!