When train wrecks (Christopher Hitchens and the WSJ editorial page) collide
Well, folks, we have a full week of moral outraging, keyboard sleuthing, and strategerizing ahead of us, so I thought I'd save you some time sifting through the editorial pages and offer a short translation of Christopher Hitchens' recent WSJ piece entitled "The Export of Democracy: Jefferson's ideas presaged Bush doctrine."
The Cliffs notes version below the fold:
The Export of Democracy:
Jefferson's ideas presaged Bush doctrine
by Christopher Hitchens
1st paragraph: So many hypocrites to loathe, so little time.
2nd paragraph: I hope that the quote I use here to nimbly transition from the theme of hypocrisy to complimenting Thomas Jefferson's virtuous avant-gardening is sufficiently obscure that no one will remember when I used it merely as an analogical device before.
3rd paragraph: Did you know that "democracy" was a dirty word until the two doubting Thomases came along? And while you're all dazzled by that that little pearl, let me intimate that democracy is untidy and it took a long time for even you Yanks to get the hang of it.
4th paragraph: I wrote a book about Jefferson in which I hypothesize, among other things, that a pregnant declaration of independence gave birth to Friday Night Catblogging as well as a nation. I have many books written by many other famous men in my flat. I'm particularly fond of the ones that interpret the phrase "consent by the governed" to mean that the people are ultimately sovereign. This may be the one thing I still believe. But I digress, which allows me to both pursue happiness and demonstrate sovereignty while I make short work of this piece.
5th paragraph: I will now employ an obscure math trick, first discovered by Lincoln, to establish Jefferson's authorship of the Declaration of Independence. In so doing I shall identify the preferred icon to presage the Bush doctrine. The choice of Jefferson should have been self-evident to even a fool, as everyone knows that the president doesn't like to read the papers. Anyone who would dispute my analysis may talk to the hand.
6th paragraph: Let me simply say that, when it came to democracy, my main man Jefferson hoped it would perform like Spandex. Really that's all I needed to say in this paragraph but they're paying me by the word. So, for sport, I'll toss around some rubbish the WSJ guys would detest if a pantywaist like, say, Andrew Greeley wrote it, and then disguise it in the form a geography lesson - I'll wager the schmucks won't even notice. While I'm at it, I'll refer to Christians, Muslims and Jews without insulting a single one of the stupid bastards just to prove that I can do it. Oh, and secular government is good, that's another thing I still believe.
7th paragraph: Ok, this gas has just about filled its container, time for the money quote:
"Democracy is the best cure for a current account deficit." (Thomas Jefferson, June 24, 1826)
8th paragraph: Now all you Ottoman-type regimes out there can modify your behavior like the Chinese and loosen the peg on your currencies, or say hello to my little friend Kosciusko.
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Enough fun with Hitch for now, but a little more on that money quote in paragraph 7 later ...