I know all of you are tired of the saga of Jack Abramoff. You've heard the story every imaginable way. Well, I am too. I've decided to do something creative, something that would drive the point home.
In Gilbert & Sullivan's HMS Pinafore, Sir Joseph Porter has a rather pleasant recitative number where he explains just how incompetent and unsuited he is to be "the Ruler of the Queen's Navee." I've taken the liberty of rewriting that famous scene into a more modern context.
Without further ado, the DeLayly Carte is proud to present "The Briber of the Hill &c."
JACK ABRAMOFF walks onto House floor. He is accompanied by MICHAEL SCANLON, RALPH REED, and other assorted cronies. ABRAMOFF stands center stage, the cronies in front, Congress behind.
ABRAMOFF:
I am the ruler of the floor
The screwer of all natives poor
Who gave me every penny that they ever made!
SCANLON:
And we are his cronies and his bagmen and his aides!
CONGRESS/CRONIES:
And we/they are his cronies and his bagmen and his aides!
His cronies and his bagmen and his aides!
ABRAMOFF:
I told them many lies
To get my splendid prize
And bought off all the congressmen with their PACs paid!
SCANLON:
And so did his cronies and his bagmen and his aides!
CONGRESS/CRONIES:
And so did his cronies and his bagmen and his aides!
His cronies and his bagmen and his aides!
ABRAMOFF:
But when I need hijinks
I always hit the links
And to Saint Andrews with DeLay vacation made!
SCANLON:
And so did his cronies and his bagmen and his aides!
And so did his cronies and his bagmen and his aides!
ALL:
And so did his cronies and his bagmen and his aides!
His cronies and his bagmen all of whom are badmen and his aides!
ABRAMOFF:
When I was a lad I joined the crowd
At Brandeis working on a party proud
We Young Republicans worked all day
Though we never recieved any help or any pay!
ALL:
Though they never recieved any help or any pay!
ABRAMOFF:
I worked all day so thoughtfully
That now I am the briber of the Hill &c!
ALL:
He worked all day so thoughtfully
That now he is the briber of the Hill &c!
ABRAMOFF:
My work on Brandeis made such a blast
That Young Repub chairman I became very fast
Red Scorpion was the film I made
And apartheid helped me shoot it with financial aid!
ALL:
And apartheid helped him shoot it with financial aid!
ABRAMOFF:
Apartheid helped me shoot it so carefully
That now I am the briber of the Hill &c!
ALL:
Apartheid helped him shoot it so carefully
That now he is the briber of the Hill &c!
ABRAMOFF:
My movie flopped and I was broke
So I turned my profession into lobbying folk
For Saipan I flogged their case so great
Their slave labor camps I really do appreciate!
ALL:
Their slave labor camps he really does appreciate!
ABRAMOFF:
The slaves were treated so horridly
That now I am the briber of the Hill &c!
ALL:
The slaves were treated so horridly
That now he is the briber of the Hill &c!
ABRAMOFF:
I went up to the Indian tribes
And they won't forget me for the rest of their lives
They put all of their trust in me
To reopen all casinos there I guaranteed!
ALL:
To reopen all casinos there he did guarenteed!
ABRAMOFF:
I betrayed their trust so garishly
That now I am the briber of the Hill &c!
ALL:
He betrayed their trust so garishly
That now he is the briber of the Hill &c!
ABRAMOFF:
I scorned the Injuns and called 'em names
And their high reputations I did defame
I promised them votes in Congress back
But the natives, well, they didn't know Jack!
ALL:
But the natives, well, they didn't know Jack!
ABRAMOFF:
Cuz' Jack screwed the natives so painfully
That now I am the briber of the Hill &c!
ALL:
Cuz' Jack screwed the natives so painfully
That now he is the briber of the Hill &c!
ABRAMOFF:
I grew so bad indictments came
And with them spread my awful fame
Congress fled but those fat fools
Should follow Jackie Abramoff's Golden Rule!
ALL:
We should follow Jackie Abramoff's Golden Rule!
ABRAMOFF:
Don't bother 'bout the ethics, just do as you please
And you all may be bribers of the Hill &c!
ALL:
Don't bother 'bout the ethics, just do as you please
And you all may be bribers of the Hill &c!