The traditional media has all but annointed Alito the next Supreme Court Justice, and members of the Senate Judicial Committee, like Dianne Feinstein, have said that they will not support a filibuster. This, despite signs that Alito would:
- overturn Roe. v. Wade
- eliminate checks & balances when "national security" is at stake
- protect powerful corporations from the consumers they cheat and the employees they exploit
- eat puppies
Well, maybe not the last one. But it seems like Alito needs to promise to eat puppies before the Senate Democrats grow some gonads and filibuster the greatest threat to America since Ronald Reagan. Or would that be enough?
Picture this:
(more in extended)
The scene is the Senate Judicial Committee hearing room. Alito responds to allegations that while applying for a job in the Reagan Department of Justice, he mentioned his hobby of stealing puppies and eating them raw on his resume.
Joe Biden looks at Alito, puzzled, and asks: "You don't strike me as the type who would steal other people's puppies and eat them. After all, your parents were Italian immigrants. Care to explain? And, check out my Princeton hat!"
Alito, looking down and speaking in monotone, responds: "I do not recall kidnapping and eating puppies. After all, that was 20 years ago. Who remembers what species of pets they were stealing and eating two decades ago?"
Republican nut-job Tom Coburn jumps in: "These are dirty partisan tactics! To bring up this great man's alleged puppy consumption! It makes me want to cry! (tears up and sniffles) Now lets get back to what's important: where do you stand on tearing unborn babies from their mother's wombs and draining them of blood so that Hebrews can make their flat bread for Jewish Easter?"
On the talk shows and in the newspapers, talking heads and editorial writers explain how there are two sides to the puppy-eating allegations. Sure, the Democrats say that eating puppies is unbecoming of a Supreme Court Justice. But Republican strategists point out that many people lie on their resume. They explain: "Everyone knew that the Reagan Adminstration preferred to hire people willing to eat other people's pets. Wouldn't anyone applying for a job invent a story about stealing and eating puppies in hopes of getting hired?"
Meanwhile, Hardball's Chris Matthews explains away Alito's statement in court that "The Constitution does not protect a puppy's right not to be stolen and eaten."
According to Matthews: "Alito cannot be expected to express his own opinions in court. He was merely advocating for his client, famed puppy-eater Richard Nixon. And I don't want to hear any of that bullshit about how attorneys tend to represent clients with similar positions to their own. Lawyers come from the damned seed of Satan, which makes them willing defend anyone or anything for a buck. So it is partisan trickery to read anything into the fact that as an attorney, Alito tended to represent puppy-eaters over people who did not eat puppies."
The following day, George Bush and Joe Lieberman call a joint press conference. Reporters note marks on Bush's cheek and neck in a suspiciously similar shade to Lieberman's lipstick. The two decry the obstructionism of the Democrats, saying: "Puppy-eating is not the issue here. After all, 911. Terrorism, terrorism. 911. Dignity. 911. Upordownvote. 911. Terrorism. Freedom, 911. 911."
Finally, Senator Feinstein, who, as the lone dog-lover on the Judicial Committee is expected to be the biggest opponent of puppy-eaters, says that while she cannot vote "Yes" on Alito's nomination, she does not think it warrants a filibuster:
"While I could never personally vote for someone who advocates the kidnapping and eating of puppies, I do not think being a puppy-eater in and of itself should disqualify you from the Supreme Court. Political differences between puppy-eaters and people who abhor eating puppies are not reason enough for blocking a nomination. After all, we lost the election in 2004. Bush made it very clear when he was running for office that, if elected, he would appoint judges who shared his conviction that other people's puppies should be stolen and eaten."