I try not to believe in stereotypes but the image of fundamentalist Christians and Southerners in general being a little slower than the rest of us keeps slapping me in the face. It was a fundamentalist group which started the push for a la cart cable choice, under their belief that Christians would pay extra to watch stand alone "Christian programming." My experience has been that people expect to pay extra for porn, but they expect Christianity to be charity. How can you charge someone for saving their soul? Didn't the big guy throw out the money changers? Oops, sorry, I was applying logic to religion and you should never do that, unless you happen to live in Georgia where the fundamentalists have offered a new excuse for getting their version of God into public classrooms; the bible as text book. So now I can get an official explanation as to why God cursed the serpent and commanded that he "crawl on his belly". If the snake wasn't already crawling on his belly, how was he a snake?
Those crafty Georgia politicians: by designating the bible as a textbook not only do they ensure that "Christian Publishers", who have never paid a dime in royalties, can now make even bigger profits selling the word of God to school districts. And all those children whose parents do not attend church can now receive the religious instruction their parents evidently don't want them to have. It's a trend, folks. According to the National Council on Bible Curriculum in Public Schools, over 1,000 high schools currently use the bible as a textbook, and they wouldn't lie to us, being a Christian Organization pushing a political agenda. Would they?
Besides, treating the bible as text might also encourage the children of fundamentalists to treat the holy word of God the same way my sophomore English lit exam treated "Of Mice And Men." Question A; Does Lennie represent the eternal innocent of humanity? But how could he if he kills the puppy...and Curley's wife and who knows how many other people over the years. Question; B; Would you describe Lennie as a serial killer?
I think the exam on Genesis would run like this. Question One, if on the first day - Chapter One, verse three - "And God said, "Let there be light and there was light...", and then on the fourth day -Chapter One, Verse fourteen - "God made two great lights, the greater to govern the day..." on which day did God create the sun and why are there so many contradictions in his version of events? Is he hiding something? Do you think CSI Miami could get to the bottom of this, would it take Grissom to break this case?
Section Two; Question One; How does the character of Abram/Abraham highlight God's love of practical jokes? i.e. When God ordered Abraham to circumcise himself and all of his sons and male servants, do you think he really expected Abraham to actually do it? And , since the bible doesn't tell us, who do you think circumcised Abraham, and why doesn't the bible tell us? If it was his son, would that be too weird or what? Would you describe Abraham as the biggest wiener in the bible, or just the biggest wiener in the Old Testament?
Question Two Using Genesis, Chapter ten, verse 8 as a reference point; "Cush was the father of Nimrod..." describe the authors' use of character names to suggest physical and personality characteristics.
Section Three; Question one; Genesis Chapter nineteen, verse one; "The two angels arrived at Sodom in the evening, and Lot was sitting in the gateway of the city." Describe how this scene reminds you of the old people working at WalMart.
Question Two; using as reference Genesis, Chapter nineteen, verse 4; "Before they had gone to bed, all the men from every part of the city of Sodom - both young and old - surrounded the house. They called out to Lot. "Where are the men who came to you tonight? Bring them out to us so we can have sex with them." Lott went outside...and said..."Look, I have two daughters who have never slept with a man. Let me bring them out to you and you can do what you like with them. But don't do anything to these men." - describe Lot's parenting style and discuss how it differs, if at all, from current legal standards for child abuse.
Section Fifteen. Using Exodus, Chapter Twelve, Verse 12 - 13, as reference, "On that same night I will pass through Egypt, and strike down every firstborn...The blood will be a sure sign for you on the houses where you are; and when I see the blood I will pass over you", discuss why the omnipotent, omnipresent Lord thy God would not recognize his own "chosen people" unless their front doors were marked with blood. Would he not know if they were bad or good Jews even without looking? Describe how Passover thus resembles Christmas.
Extra Credit Essay Question; within 24 hours after witnessing with their own eyes the hand of God Almighty part the waters to save his chosen people, and then close the waters again over Pharaoh's chariots, drowning his entire army, the children of Israel built and paid homage to a golden calf. In four hundred words or less describe what you think was wrong with these people. What were they waiting on, a sign from God? He parted the friggen' Red Sea, for crying out loud. That isn't like a sign from God, that is the sign from God; Burning bush, Part the Red Sea, that's the job description. If you were God, would you have considered choosing some other people at that point, and telling the Hebrews to go circumcise themselves. And how frigging stupid must the Egyptians have been that God decided to stay with the Jews?
See? I think the idea of the bible in the classroom would scare the hell out the fundamentalists, if they had any brains at all.