Dear Supreme Leader Bush,
I fully agree with you that the greatest threat to our society is the rising, insurgent homo agenda. While people may point to our liberal media or Hollywood's obsession with gays and lesbians as evidenced in the movie, Alexander and other shows like the infamous Will and Grace (by the way it is not helping that most of the queers are so damn hot), I would like to point to a more insidious source which will not surprise you, o Supreme Leader Bush: Classics programs found in many of our liberal traitorous institutions of higher learning, our universities infested with liberal, Al Qaeda sympathizers and adherents of the homo agenda which threatens to engulf the country like swarm of illegal immigrants (we'll get to that later).
The basic class in any Classics department and a highly popular one is Mythology. Unfortunately for those opposing the homo agenda, this class is not exclusive to Classics majors but is offered as a general education course in virtually every university it is offered. Surely is this not a plot by evil Classics professors to twist and pervert the minds of our youth by reaching out to countless majors who might not take the class if it didn't help them to graduate? Are these mythology courses nothing more than left-wing conspiracies meant to destroy the minds of our children?
The Federal Marriage Amendment's detractors may expect us to point to Zeus' various extra-marital affairs with mortal women but this is not the point here. Sure Zeus may have seduced or even raped 166 women but what should raise a red flag is the episode concerning Zeus and Ganymede. He stayed married to his wife Hera, didn't he? So obviously, this must mean that extra-marital affairs do not destroy the sacred institution of marriage. No, Ganymede is not a woman. No, he was an attractive Trojan man who caught the fancy of Zeus and was whisked up to heaven. Ironically, since the Greeks destroyed that Sodom, Troy, it must have been Zeus and Ganymede's fault since gay marriage or homosexual relations are the downfall of our society.
Of course, everyone knows if you allow gays to get married then what's to stop a man from marrying a pig or a woman a bull? Surely it has never been thought of before! Alas, we now turn to an episode in Greek mythology infamous for its immorality as we remember Pasiphae and the bull she had intercourse with! It is obvious that since Greek Mythology is polluted with instances of homosexual love, it must also be tainted with bestiality. Take heed, America of this lesson for we shall lose our country once gays get married and people start marrying bulls, horses, pigs, and God knows what!
The horrors do not end there. Take the Sacred Band. Everyone knows that queers cannot fight and are nothing more than what our beloved Gropinator (now that's a man's man for you) calls "girly men." Therefore, tales that they defeated the manly Spartans at Leuktra are obviously false. The Spartans were an ideal of masculinity and would have never lost to such women. Perhaps the Spartans were tired that day or simply felt sorry for these effeminate women. If the Spartans lost to the Thebans at Leuktra, then the effeminate of all effeminate Persians defeated the Greeks during the Persian Wars. What kind of message does this send to our troops who constantly have to worry about the enemy in the front lines and in the rear as the most holy Jerry Falwell has pointed out? What kind of message does this send when Classics professors point to the Sacred Band as one of the greatest fighting forces in ancient Greece before Alexander's time?
I long for the days of ancient Rome where fathers had absolute control over their families. If a son talked back to him, then the paterfamilias could order his son killed! Brutus, that honorable man ordered his sons executed when they were exposed as traitors collaborating with the Tarquins to restore the Roman monarchy. Oh, if we had Bruti today to deal with those traitorous liberals who undermine the war on terror by protesting against this constitutional amendment? Brutus would not stand idly by while liberals take the side of Osama Bin Laden who obviously wants us not to pass this Federal Marriage Amendment because if we do not, then Allah will destroy this country in a wave of divine flares from high above. We must not allow Bin Laden to dictate our domestic policy in addition to our foreign policy.
In conclusion, we must ban the liberal subversive Classics departments in our nation because they threaten the very fabric that holds our country together. Countless tales have been told of Classics majors who engage in fornication and unholy Bacchanalias after learning about the Bacchants in your average Roman Civilization class. The annals of our history are written with accounts of Classics majors researching homosexuality in ancient Greece and in ancient magic when it is clear that the Greeks were nothing more than decedent faggots who were conquered by the virtuous Romans. What kind of message are we sending our children when the very institutions that are supposed to educate our students in being productive and godly members of our Christian nation are nothing more than Trojan Horses meant to destroy our country by crumbling our most sacred institution, marriage? As they say, "Beware Greeks (in this case, Classics departments) bearing gifts."
And to those who say that this is a distraction, a wedge issue meant to turn out the Religious Right vote in droves, I recite the immortal paean first chanted by a true Christian, which reaches out to the heavens and bestows upon the angels their wings whenever it is heard, "GO FUCK YOURSELF!" It is obvious that Bush's friend does not know him as well as this godly dittohead who can peer into his soul and see the true goodness there with a gaze that transcends mere words which are like leaves cast away in the wind, not to be remembered as the truth.
Sincerely,
A concerned Classics major (o SHIT!) Christian and Bush supporter!