No, not
those leakers. The
other leakers.
Imagine that you are driving through Alabama's Wheeler National Wildlife Refuge to watch the abundant waterfowl. Suddenly, nature calls and there isn't a public restroom in sight. So you pull over to the edge of the woods to relieve yourself. There's no one around so you start to do your business.
All of a sudden a team of federal agents wearing camouflage leap out from their hiding places and cite you for public indecency.
Yes, that's correct --
Federal agents -- Camouflage -- Hiding in the woods.
And the poor guy standing there with his hose in his hand while the SWAT team descends on him? -- a Methodist minister.
A Hartselle minister was among 27 people cited for alleged acts of public indecency and lewdness at Wheeler National Wildlife Refuge in Limestone and Morgan counties.
Agents with the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service and Alabama conservation officers cited the Rev. Gradson L. Tanner, 47, a minister at Salem United Methodist Church, on Saturday at the handicap-accessible fishing pier and environmental education area off Alabama 67 in Morgan County.
Indecency? Lewdness? A minister? Heaven forbid!
Here's how Tanner tells it:
Tanner said he was traveling from Decatur to his farm at Cedar Cove that afternoon, when he stopped to buy a soda and drove to the pier to see what people were fishing for and catching.
"I stepped to the edge of the woods and took a leak," Tanner said. "Two men came out in camouflage. I tried to talk with them, but they weren't having mercy on anybody. They said I illegally exposed myself. I was totally dumbfounded. I didn't think I was in view of anyone. I didn't see nothing lewd about it."
Agents took Tanner's word on his identity. Tanner told agents his license was in his truck, and he gave one of the agents his keys. The agent said he didn't want to retrieve it, Tanner said, because it would blow his cover.
"They handed me a ticket and said fold it up and put it in your pocket and walk out inconspicuously," Tanner said. "They didn't want anyone to see the ticket in my hand, because they had people stationed all over the place. I've got to question even driving up there anymore."
The feds didn't want Tanner to blow their cover on this massive sting to sweep the wildlife refuge of illegal leakers.
So, why is a team of crack federal agents hiding in the woods and swooping down on unsuspecting leakers? Is it to fight them over here so they don't leak over there?
The arrests are an attempt to curtail illegal activities in the refuge, which have generated "numerous" complaints, (U.S. Attorney Alice) Martin said.
"Hundreds of citizens visit the Wheeler Wildlife Refuge and they, nor their families, should be exposed to indecent and obscene conduct," Martin said.
U.S. Attorney Martin, indeed, is vowing to prosecute every last one of these degenerates.
Now, if Rev. Tanner had whipped it out in the middle of the street for all the world to see, then he would deserve to have the book thrown at him. But he went into the woods -- something almost every person of the male gender has done at least once in his lifetime. And he checked to make sure there was no one around.
So, he obviously didn't intend to be seen. Which begs the age-old question: If a man pisses in the forest but there is no one there to see him, did he form the prerequisite intent?
It's one thing to illegally intercept our phone calls and subpoena the library to see what books we have checked out. But dammit, now we can't even pee without the feds knowing about it. What the hell is this country coming to?!?
Hell, if federal law enforcement officers are so concerned about people pissing on things they shouldn't piss on, why don't they stake out the White House?
I'm sure they won't have to hide for long before they find someone pissing on the Constitution.