Introduction
I come here not to bury Jay Carney from TIME magazine in the literal sense as in oh look, Bill buried Jay Carney alive and isn't it sad that he could only get a few fingers above the freshly-turned earth before he expired of irreversible dirt ingestion. Nor do I come here to bury Jay Carney of TIME magazine in the criminal sense as in Hey Jay I know what you put in locker #52 at Ronald Reagan Washington National Airport. No, I come here to step on Jay Carney's neck to establish my investigative journalism Bona Fides. Believe it or not, I have more arrows in my quiver than just Cheers and JeersTM.
But I warn you. This may get ugly. How far are you WILLING TO GO??!
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Chapter 1
Last week, after a series of dangerous, clandestine meetings with ruffians who possess shocking secrets about the bloated underbelly of inside-the-beltway journalism that could bring the fifth column to its knees, I---Bill in Portland Maine---released the following information (via a stone tablet tied to a pigeon's foot...nice work, Draggy.) to the Center for American Progress, which they immediately published:
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35. Number of words [last week's] issue of TIME magazine devotes to Judge Anna Diggs Taylor's ruling that President Bush's warrantless domestic wiretapping program is unconstitutional.
1,109. The number of words in the same issue on the extradition of John Mark Karr.
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You can count them yourself if you want. Here's TIME's 35-word cocktail-napkin-scribble on the NSA story (it actually shares the same page with four other stories). And here's the 1,109-word epic novel on Karr.
To put that in perspective, 1,109 words equals:
4 readings of the Gettysburg Address
6 renditions of the song "Endless Love."
7½ readings of Robert Frost's The Road Less Taken
26 Hail Marys
139 cries of "Son of a bitch, I stubbed my toe!"
Or you could tell your local pizza place to "add extra cheese and hold the anchovies" 158 times.
But I digress. Which reminds me...you could write "But I digress" 369 times to equal the length of TIME's JonBenet Ramsey article. But I digress again. (277 times.) Stop it! (554 times.) Twit. (1,109 times.)
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Chapter 2
Sorry `bout that. Anyway, TIME's Deputy Washington Bureau Chief Jay Carney was on The McLaughlin Group this weekend (one of his claims to fame being his profile of Ann Coulter as one of world's most influential people last year). Towards the end of the show, the over-coverage of the Ramsey/Karr story came up. This exchange sealed Mr. Carney's fate---the last piece to fall into my elaborate investigative puzzle:
John McLaughlin: Question: Is the media hyping this story because of its lurid qualities?
Jay Carney: As opposed to...? Of course it's hyping it because of its lurid qualities...
McLaughlin: You're crowding out stories on the environment, you're crowding out...
Carney: We actually are not. At TIME we haven't touched it.
SNAP!! Right into the trap.
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Chapter 3
For the record, I agree with Mr. Carney. TIME, indeed, didn't "touch" the story. They seized it with both hands, dragged it into the mud, rolled around with it, took it to dinner and a movie, went back to TIME's place, [censored censored censored censored] and promised to call later. I'm sure that's what Jay meant to say.
I know I'm pickin' on the little guy---taunting him like Dennis Hastert likes to taunt caged badgers on weekends with a feather duster. But I do so only because, if you review the transcript above, Mr. Carney interrupts John McLaughlin to paint his magazine as above-the-fray. Saintly. A textbook case of Journalismus Integritus.
And yet, one of the following scenarios is categorically true...and both of them mean TIME's Jay Carney deliberately lied:
1) Jay Carney didn't read last week's issue of his own magazine yet still claimed that "At TIME we haven't touched it."
Or...
2) Jay Carney did read last week's issue, knew there was a verbal feast of Ramsey coverage in it, yet still chose to say that "At TIME we haven't touched it."
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Chapter 4
But I am a reasonable man and I don't jump lightly to conclusions. So before I pass judgment on Mr. Carney of the noble public press, I invite him to explain himself here in the public square of DailyKos. He may take all the "ink" he wishes to clear the air. Perhaps he might also take the opportunity to explain why TIME magazine decided that a lone wacko twit's champagne flight warranted 31 times more "ink" than a lone judge's heroic defense against President Bush's monarchical power grab.
Mr. Carney has 24 hours. If he fails to show, he'll find himself singing "Endless Love" 6 times from the steps of the Lincoln Memorial in his underwear during Wednesday's lunch hour. Tempt not the blogswarm, Mr. Carney. Tempt not...the blogswarm.
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Epilogue
Sincerely,
Bill in Portland Maine
Investigative Number Cruncher and TV Watcher
Honorary Viceroy (pending), Center for American Progress
Yadda Yadda Yadda and Etc.
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Obligatory UPDATE: This entire diary---including the headline---is 848 words.
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