(Disassociated Press) Trenton, New Jersey The
Dood Abides was taken into custody by federal agents at 3:00 am. Sunday morning. The number two man in al Qaeda had been boldly posing as a fake reporter for the nonexistent Rotters and APE news agencies. His arrest makes the second number two man for the terrorist organization arrested in less than a week. A spokesman for the Administration stated that this is the equivalent of capturing three number ones or killing one number six. During the raid, sources close to the investigation say they uncovered about one hundred explosive devices which contained some odd foreign writing. Agent Jim Middly told reporters, "It appears there are between seventy-five and one hundred M-80 purchased explosive devices here. If properly used these PEDs could be deployed to completely devastate a United States Postal Service letter and parcel containment unit. These units are federal property and both the Bureau and Homeland Security consider the destruction of federal property a serious crime."
The Dood being taken into custody at gunpoint
Attorneys representing the Dood could not be reached for comment, but they did release a poorly photoshopped image of his arrest along with the following statement, "The Dood is tragically behind bars in what is clearly the biggest violation of the XVII Amendment since that other really big case that was on the news last week."
The Dood and a dude
Another dude who once met the Dood at a TGI Monday's in Chattanooga, Tennessee wanted to assure everyone that he is in good spirits and holding up well despite the detention at the maximum security facility. When pressed for more facts about the case he admitted it was not the Dood who was in good spirits, but the other dude who was resting comfortably since he himself was not sitting in solitary confinement awaiting a rigged government tribunal. TGI Monday's is a chain of faux, faux dive bars founded by KBR in 2003 to capitalize on the millions of newly unemployed Americans who were suddenly sitting home at 1:30 in the afternoon.
Dood Abides, Sr. spoke on behalf of the family and stated, "Those explosives were fireworks and the Dood only had them to celebrate Independence Day this weekend." When he was reminded that the Fourth of July was two months ago he corrected the record, "I am talking about the Dood's firm belief that Labor Day is about the independence from work. Just you try and find me somebody who doesn't hate work!"
The Dood's best friend, Jimmy Flanagan, was resilient, "I am going to help the Dood fight these charges until the bitter end, unless that bitter end lingers on until the beginning of the National Football League's season opener at which time I will likely try to get home in time for kick off."
Mrs. Abides was not so optimistic in her assessment, "Well, it was great relationship while it lasted, but I'm sure I'll find somebody else. There are plenty of fish in the sea, right? Does anybody know if Jesus General is single?"
It can't be confirmed at this time that it was the help of a tipster from freerepublic.com that led to the capture of the liberal fugitive from justice, but one unnamed source in the administration would only say, "We are not in the business of verifying unsubstantiated rumors based upon facts. As long as we are in a War on Terror against a new kind of enemy we can't afford to deal in facts!"
Brad Pitt's 1992 Calvin Klein Ad
Jeff Gannon, formerly of the fake organization Talon News, stated, "It's about time they start cracking down on these non credentialed fake news reporters. I didn't just become a fake news reporter on the Internet, I did it the right way. I had to work my way up through the soft-core porn industry like everybody else." He then proceeded to finish his cocktails with Wolf Blitzer and Chris Matthews.
There has been an unprecedented outcry of support from the liberal blogs. They are supporting him in a manner not seen since their nearly unanimous backing of Senator Joseph Lieberman during the Connecticut primaries last August. A few of the bloggers were particularly vitriolic. Maryscott O'Connor of My Left Wing is on an extended hiatus could not be reached for comment, but Markos Moulitsas of Daily Kos said in a very angry voice, "Dude, it is four o'clock in the morning! How did you get my number? Leave me the fuck alone and don't ever call here again."
If you would like to send money to the Convict Dood Abides for Justice Fund then pay your taxes so the Bush Administration's Justice Department can afford to pay better lawyers than the Dood can!
Viva El Dood
Frontpaged at My Left Wing