September 7, 2007 - Crazytown, USA - As their latest campaign tactic, the RNC has launched an online newspaper of the future called
America Weakly, featuring stories about the demise of the federal government after the Democrats win in 2006.
"America Weakly is the newspaper that takes you inside the Democrat controlled congress..."
In addition to stories about Democrats raising taxes, helping the terrorists, and impeaching Bush, America Weakly also features an anti-Democrat Word Jumble, ant-Democrat Daybook, anti-Democrat Horoscope Page, and an anti-Democrat Traffic Cam.
Buck up, everyone. It's time to head: BACK TO THE FUTURE!
The RNC Flux Capacitor
Among other things, the newspaper includes letters to the editor from Democrats. Here's one from
Barbara Streisand, complete with a typo:
To the editor:
America Weakly is leading the charge!
So much of the write-wing press has tried to poison the well for our new Democrat Majority. Fox News, Rush Limbaugh, The Washington Post - all they can talk about taxes going up on the rich, and lossing momentum in the so-called `War on Terror.'
But some of us no better. People like Alec Baldwin, Michael Moore, the Dixie Chicks - these are people who had the braveness to speak up, to tell the truth about this corrupt Republican Party and the wrst President in history. It's like when the brave men and women of the left stood up during the Charlie McCarthy scare back in the 1930s.
We have a great alley in America Weakly, and with your help, we will march forward. Last November's Democrat victoriousness was only the first step. Next year: the White Hous!
Sincerely,
Barbra Streisand
You go, Babs! Hollywood is happy when the Democrats rule America, apparently. I think she's supposed to be stupid in this letter by calling McCarthy 'Charlie McCarthy' and by spelling 'House' 'House.' Everbody knows it was Eugene McCarthy (duh!).
Murth gets lots of mirth in the RNC future. This article is called Just Say `No': Dems Celebrate End of Bush Security Measures:
Washington--Beginning what is expected to be a weeklong public relations blitz, House Majority Leader John Murtha yesterday released a comprehensive document detailing Democrat successes in the foreign policy arena since taking over the majority in January.
"The only reason I ran for Majority Leader was to end our destructive interference in the world, and our misguided actions in the War on Terror," Murtha said. "And I am proud to say that, after only eight months, we have accomplished more than I could ever have hoped for."
Because they are still subject to President Bush's veto pen, the Democrat majorities have made their biggest mark in foreign policy with funding decisions.
For example, the Democrats zeroed out any money for the President's missile defense program.
"The ability to shoot down missiles launched from North Korea is clearly provocative," House International Relations Committee Chairman Tom Lantos said. "If developing a system to shoot down those missiles is provoking them, then we shouldn't do so. Diplomacy is the answer."
Yep. In the RNC future, Democrats open the gates to the bad guys and do the unthinkable: they allow North Korea to become a threat. Didn't the Republicans did that over the past six years? Duh! Stay focused on the future.
Onto the Daybook.
After the the impeachment hearings are well under way by September 7, 2007. Also on the event, Ward Churchill makes his triumphant appearance on Capital Hill:
Member Events:
1:00 p.m. - Senator Barbara Boxer (D-CA) and Congressman Dennis Kucinich (D-OH) appear with former University of Colorado professor Ward Churchill for a roundtable discussion with students entitled, "Who's the Terrorist?"
1:30 p.m. - Senator Hillary Clinton speaks to the American Medical Association on "The Healthcare that America Deserves: Rethinking Our Aversion to Single-Payer Systems."
4:00 p.m. - The French Ambassador and Senate Foreign Relations Chairman Joe Biden hold a joint press conference on "Mistakes Made in 2003; Why the U.S. Should Have Listened to the World."
Well, thank god for the Democrats! In the RNC future, Democrats cut funding to protect the country from terrorism, and lead us all to believe that we are the terrorists. Oh...and France was right. And we will get healthcare, apparently.
Anti-Democrat Horoscopes
Wondering what to wear, today? Let's check our anti-Democratic Party Horoscopes:
Aries
Your wallet will get lighter and lighter, as more and more Republican tax cuts expire.
Leo
Your conversations with terrorists will be free and clear of any government wiretapping.
Sagittarius
Summer cold season is approaching, but don't worry! The government will soon be taking charge of your health care.
Taurus
Your summers will get warmer and warmer as your once landlocked lot will become oceanfront property. Just ask Al Gore.
Virgo
Beware of experiencing too much prosperity and wealth; it may result in more burden and commitment to Uncle Sam.
Capricorn
The road ahead of you is clear; unless you're driving, in which case you'll face higher gas prices and taxes.
Gemini
A new job or promotion is in your future. If you're a judge appointed by President Bush, however, it might take a while.
Libra
Your favorite television show will be routinely interrupted this month by updates on the Democrats' impeachment hearings of President Bush.
Aquarius
Feeling Ill? No worries, the government bureaucrats will make all of your difficult medical decisions for you!
Cancer
Luck is in the air: you will find yourself slightly richer. On the down side, it will be because you were part of a major class-action that put your employer out of business. Better make that $38.42 last!
Scorpio
Significant life ceremonies are in store, but you will not have to worry about any prayers being a part of them.
Pisces
Are you feeling hot and cold, happy and sad, angry and content? The Democratic Party joins you in your indecision.
Funny...I would have thought Libra would be feeling 'indecision,' not Pisces. But then again, in the RNC fantasy, I'm sure even the stars pretty much fall down from sky. The terrorists probably shoot them down. Or the French.
Leadership Files
Beyond the fact that this whole thing is just incredibly pathetic, what amazes me is how much work went into it. Whatever money the RNC is not spending on crack is, apparently, being paid to PR firms specializing in make believe research.
There is an entire section, for example, of Leadership Profiles for readers to do research on the Democratic leadership of the future. There is a "file" on Carl Levin called "Levin' Iraq," a file on John Murtha called "Leader in Withdrawal" (Murtha becomes House Speaker, BTW), and a file on John Conyers called "Impeachment Czar." Each file assembles quotes from the past (our present) to allow readers in the future to understand who is in charge now (then..the future).
Craziest of all, perhaps, there is a poll allowing readers to Vote for their Favorite Dem complete with results. I'm not sure how they are getting these results from the future, but Ken Mehlman is a wiz kid, so I'm sure they have a way.
At the time I posted this diary, Dean was in front at 22% with Hilary Clinton a close second at 20%.
Satire As Snapshot
Now, what is interesting about this make believe newspaper--beyond being a snapshot into RNC stoopidity--is what we do not see in the pages of the the future press.
Russ Feingold is not mentioned.
Al Gore is not mentioned.
John Edwards is not mentioned.
Mark Warner is not mentioned.
In fact, nobody that Progressives in today's world would really cite as being talked about on a day-to-day basis is mentioned, with few exceptions.
For example, Henry Waxman is an important leader in Congress--a great, great man. And he is very important to Progressives. But he is not really a daily headline story. But he gets his own 'leadership file' in the RNC satire.
Tom Daschle is mentioned, but Ned Lamont is not. And so forth.
But beyond that, it is shows clearly what the big concern of the RNC is at the moment: Iraq.
The bad guys and gals of the American Weakly are Hilary Clinton, John Murtha, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid and Ted Kennedy. That's right: the RNC seems really concerned about the impact these folks are having on the electorate. By ridiculing them, they seem to be turning back to an old school 'lib'ruls 'r bayud' campaign strategy.
Dean, of course, continues to be front and center--but that is nothing new. In answer to the question about our 2008 presidential nominee, this story just came in from Iowa:
Ames, Iowa - DNC Chairman Howard Dean addressed a roaring crowd of students and locals here today just as new polls show him to be a legitimate threat to Senator Hillary Clinton for the 2008 Democrat nomination.
"They wrote us off after 2000!" Dean shouted to the cheering crowd. "They wrote us off after 2002! They wrote us off after 2004! And some people - like a certain party committee chairman from Illinois - tried to write us off in 2006! But in the end, we showed them who was right all along!"
So it looks like Dean by a nose in Ames. Hilary and Dean are still the bogeys that scare the RNC the most--amazing.
And what scares them? Well, it must be what Dean is quoted saying in the 2007 article:
"Our job as Democrats is to undo all of the bad that George W. Bush has done," he said. "Whether I'm the best person for that job or not is up to the Democratic primary voters. But one thing I know for sure: Democrats are on their way back, and soon the Bush tax cuts, the Bush war on terror, the Bush Supreme Court - soon we'll be working hard to make sure all of those are no more than a passing memory."
And that's only one edition. There's still plenty of news from the future to report.