Some say that the Page-gate scandal should be investigated by the FBI. Some say that the Page-gate scandal should be investigated by the House Ethics Committee. And some say that the Page-gate scandal should be investigated by mother-fucking Samuel L. Jackson.
Some say that if we're gonna have politcal theatre, we may as well send the professionals.
Please note: Luckydog does not advocate violence of any sort. This is intended to be an illustrative example of "aggressive interrogation methods", which Luckydog also does not advocate.
...Closing Scene of Samuel L. Jackson's investigation of the Page-gate scandal; mother-fucking Mark Foley and mother-fucking Dennis Hastert are on the mother-fucking ice...
Samuel L. Jackson: Looks like I caught you at breakfast, sorry 'bout that. What'cha eatin'?
Mark Foley: Hamburgers.
Samuel L. Jackson: Hamburgers. The cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast. What kinda hamburgers?
Mark Foley: Cheeseburgers.
Samuel L. Jackson: No, I mean where did you get'em? MacDonald's, Wendy's, Jack-in-the-Box, where?
Mark Foley: Signatures.
Samuel L. Jackson: Signatures. That's the Abramoff joint. I heard they got some tasty burgers. I ain't never had one myself, how are they?
Mark Foley: They're good.
Samuel L. Jackson: Mind if I try one of yours?
Samuel L. Jackson grabs the burger and take a bite of it.
Samuel L. Jackson: Uuummmm, that's a tasty burger.
Mark Foley: I just want you to know how sorry we are about how fucked up things got between me and the young men in question. When we entered into this thing, we only had the best intentions -
As Mark Foley talks, Samuel L. Jackson takes out his gun and SHOOTS Dennis Hastert three times in the chest. Mark Foley shits his pants.
Samuel L. Jackson: Oh, I'm sorry. Did that break your concentration? I didn't mean to do that. Please, continue. I believe you were saying something about "best intentions."
Mark Foley can't say a word.
Samuel L. Jackson: Whatsamatter? Oh, you were through anyway. Well, let me retort. Would you describe for me what a Congressional page looks like?
Mark Foley still can't speak.
Samuel L. Jackson SNAPS, SAVAGELY TIPPING the card table over, removing the only barrier between himself and Mark Foley. Mark Foley now sits in a lone chair before Samuel L. Jackson like a political prisoner an enemy combatant in front of an interrogator.
Samuel L. Jackson: What country you from!
Mark Foley: What?
Samuel L. Jackson: "What" ain't no country I know! Do they speak English in "What?"
Mark Foley: (near heart attack) What?
Samuel L. Jackson: English, motherfucker can-you-speak-it?
Mark Foley: Yes.
Samuel L. Jackson: Then you understand what I'm sayin'?
Mark Foley: Yes.
Samuel L. Jackson: Now describe what a Congressional page looks like!
Mark Foley: What?
Samuel L. Jackson takes his .45 and PRESSES the barrel HARD in Mark Foley's cheek.
Samuel L. Jackson: Say "What" again! C'mon, say "What" again! I dare ya, I double dare ya motherfucker, say "What" one more goddamn time!
Mark Foley is regressing on the spot.
Samuel L. Jackson: Now describe what a Congressional page looks like!
Mark Foley: Yes. Well they're...they're... young -
Samuel L. Jackson: - go on!
Mark Foley: ...and they're... they're... smart -
Samuel L. Jackson: - do they look like your falafel?!
Mark Foley: What?
Samuel L. Jackson smirks, rolls his eyes and SHOOTS Mark Foley in the shoulder. Mark Foley SCREAMS, breaking into a SHAKING/TREMBLING SPASM in the chair.
Samuel L. Jackson: - DO. THEY. LOOK. LIKE. YOUR. MOTHER. FUCKING. FALAFEL?!
Mark Foley: (in agony) No.
Samuel L. Jackson: Then why did you try to fuck 'em like your mother-fucking falafel?!
Mark Foley: (in spasm) I didn't.
Samuel L. Jackson: Yes ya did, Congressman Mark mother-fucking Foley. Ya tried ta fuck 'em like your mother-fucking falafel. You ever read the Bible, Congressman Foley?
Mark Foley: (in spasm) Yes.
Samuel L. Jackson: There's a passage I got memorized, seems appropriate for this situation: Ezekiel 5:17. "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you."
Again Please Note: Luckydog does not advocate violence of any sort. "Aggressive interrogation techniques" only pass muster in the MOVIE theatre, not the politcal one. Cheers.