So...when I signed up to be this week's Feminisms diarist, I didn't piece together that this was Thanksgiving week. So Wednesday night has rolled around, and I'm rather exhausted from a day spent grocery shopping, cooking, and yakking with my mother (whom I hadn't seen in a number of months). But I think I can parlay the whole home-for-the-holidays thing into a platform or springboard for feminist discussion...y'all be the judges.
First, a word of explanation:
Feminisms is a new[ish] series of weekly feminist diaries. Some of my fellow feminists and I decided to start our own for several purposes: we wanted a place to chat with each other, we felt it was important to both share our own stories and learn from others', and we hoped to introduce to the community a better understanding of what feminism is about.
Needless to say, we expect disagreements to arise. We have all had different experiences in life, so while we share the same labels, we don't necessarily share the same definitions. Hopefully, we can all be patient and civil with each other, and remember that, ultimately, we're all on the same side.
So...as mentioned, I'm visiting my parents in VA for a few days. It's such a strange experience, coming "home" -- I did live in this house through my teens, yes, and there are things about the South and even this city that I love and see fit to defend (tell it, Brother Pico), but the culture shock is also powerful. I had a lot of reasons for fleeing when I went far away to college, and since college I've come home only a couple times a year, for only a couple days at a time around holidays-- which creates a form of deja vu where each visit reminds me of previous visits, and of previous stages of life I've interrupted to come back here visiting, and of previous personal crises (and personal victories) I've thought about while standing at that kitchen counter, mulling the pros and cons of trying to discuss them with my mother.
For me, it's the personal issues that are sticky, while politics is one of the few subjects I can comfortably discuss with the 'rents. My mother shares at least some of my terrific excitement about the election of Senator Webb and Speaker Pelosi, while I share some of her concerns about Webb as far from a knight in shining progressive armor, as well as some of her pessimism about the ways of Washington really changing anytime soon.
My DP*, on the other hand, sees her parents much more often, is much more likely to go to them for advice -- but they're diehard Republicans. Every holiday trip home for her involves either carefully not discussing the issues in the news, having a huge fight over an issue in the news, or letting an offensive comment go unchallenged and then continuing to kick herself days later about it. Their town just passed a pretty hateful anti-immigrant resolution, so I'm wondering if that will get discussed when the family gathers...when the family finally gets to gather, since my honey got stuck at LaGuardia for much of today.
My impression is that many Kossacks fall into both camps (close political alignment with family, or complete polarity), and of course some situations are more complex, both in terms of family structure and in terms of nuanced positions on the political compass. I can understand the perspective of those who just agree to disagree with flesh and blood, but I also feel like the most important organizing is done at home, and that talking about these things is important to changing hearts and minds and winning elections, not to mention maintaining healthy communication with those you love. Folks in the know seem to agree: after years of urging queer Americans to "come out" and stopping there, the major GLBT rights groups are now urging us to "talk about it" and "Phone Home" to make sure all our faraway loved ones understand exactly why they shouldn't vote for hateful ballot initiatives -- as society slowly evolves, knowing that Cousin John is "that way," and occasionally brings a "friend" to Thanksgiving dinner, doesn't get one all the way to understanding that Cousin John is aching to make an honest man of his friend, not to mention the personal and practical reasons why.
Does feminism shape whom you consider to be your family? (If this question doesn't make sense to you, or if you think it's an important one, I recommend reading Anndee Hochman's Everyday Acts and Small Subversions.)
Does your family know you're a feminist? Do they know what that means to you? Does it mean something different to them (I'm thinking of the different ways feminism has played out in different generations, for starters)?
What political issue have you most discussed with your family? Have you "succeeded" in changing minds? Has anyone succeeded in changing your mind? What advice do you have for those who strive mightily to prevent political or otherwise serious discussions at holiday time by gorging on alcohol and pie?
What political issue do you most "need" to discuss with your family? "Need" can mean what you want it to mean, but it could involve the extent to which understanding your perspective could help shape their views, as well as how much power they have to make decisions on the issue.
How do you speak your truth amidst that most powerful of influences, family?