Given the absolute furor that erupted in today's Cheers and Jeers edition over certain assertions that the Emperor Augustus hosted orgies, as well as the vitriolic disagreement over whether or not the loss of three legions at Teutoburg Forest was indeed a worse military disaster than Iraq, I thought it would be a good idea to get some perspective on the enigmatic creatures that were the Roman emperors, and just how lousy many of them were. While it may pain many of us to say, we have to admit that we could have done a lot worse than Bush if any of these characters had been our leader. Join me below the fold, if you please.
There are many misconceptions about the peculiar office of Roman emperor. First and foremost, the title itself is problematic. Many confuse the Latin word Imperator, a title often held by the emperors, as being synonymous with our English word "emperor." This is not the case, however--Imperator was a title that designated supreme military command, more akin to our "Commander in Chief" title. It did not connote absolute political authority. Augustus chose for himself the title Princeps, which means "First Citizen." He was quite careful to distance himself from any obvious royal pretensions, a lesson taught to him by the fate of his dear uncle Julius. Augustus fashioned the office of emperor by accruing multiple titles and offices to give himself complete power.
The title that took hold among Augustus' immediate successors was Caesar, and those of the Julio-Claudian line (Tiberius, Gaius "Caligula", Claudius, Nero) adopted the name to establish their blood link to Augustus. But later on, the title of Augustus became the designator of supreme imperial power, while Caesar was bestowed upon co-emperors and, when the empire was split by Diocletian in 292-93, sub-emperors.
Once he had, though...look out! The role of the emperor of course became the central focus of Roman history until the empire's collapse. Depending on who and how one counts, there were 85-92 Roman Emperors. It's believed that only about 13 of these died of natural causes. The power and prestige of the title drove rivals into civil war on numerous occasions, including the infamous Year of the Four Emperors (69 CE), and the Third Century Crisis.
Most of the men who assumed the Imperial Purple were woefully inadequate for the job, unfortunately. Worse, a good number of them were sociopaths, psychopaths and horrifically corrupt and debauched. Couple that with their (ostensibly) total authority, and you have a recipe for a scrumptious slice of Decadence pie. So let's take a brief look at some of Rome's worst offenders.
NOTE: Nearly all emperors had their debauched side, but in the interest of brevity and entertainment, I will focus on the most severe cases.
ANOTHER NOTE: Many of the sordid details about the emperors is of dubious veracity, especially given the gossip-mongering tendencies of the historians who wrote about them (*cough*Seutonius*cough*). I'll clear the air where it might be interesting, but otherwise report the scandalous behavior and let YOU decide. So here we go!
Gaius "Caligula" 37 CE - 41 CE
At age 25, Gaius became the third Roman emperor, succeeding the dreadfully grim Tiberius to the throne with much excitement, since everyone had grown to hate the grumpy old man anyway. Gaius was a precocious, hyperactive youth prone to making outlandish jokes. All started well, but soon he fell deathly ill. He recovered, but was deemed hopelessly insane after that point. He proclaimed himself a god, named his favorite horse Consul, seized the property of Senators on trumped-up charges to finance his outlandish lifestyle, turned the palace into a brothel, and generally behaved in an insane, depraved manner. The worst rumors say he slept with all of his sisters, even impregnating and murdering his favorite, Drusilla. His alienation of the Senate sparked conspiracy, and this was joined by the military when the emperor sent them on embarrassing expeditions. "Caligula" was stabbed to death by the conspirators while leaving a theatre performance, paving the way for his famous uncle Claudius to be declared emperor.
Nero 54 CE - 68 CE
Nero was but 17 when ascended the throne, and his accession alone was shrouded in infamy. Nero's mother, Agrippina, poisoned the Emperor Claudius with mushrooms to pave the way for her son to power. Unfortunately for Agrippina, her son would soon prove unmanageable, and Nero eventually did away with her by building her a collapsing yacht. The young emperor was a party animal, and he would frequently carouse through the streets of Rome with his buddies in drunken revelry. He is most infamous for "fiddling" while Rome burned in 64, but this is certainly not true, as he wasn't even in the city at the time. He is also accused of horrific persecutions against Christians, but again this is likely ensconced in a good deal of revisionist hyperbole. Still, Nero was no saint, as his penchant for executing anyone who was perceived to be threat shows. Among others, he had his wife Octavia executed and kicked another, the pregnant Poppea, to death. His failure as a military leader led to a military revolt, and Nero committed suicide when cornered, lamenting that the world was losing an oh-so-great artist. Sure.
Domitian 81 CE - 96 CE
I would give Domitian the award for being Rome's most frightening autocrat. He may have had his own brother, the emperor Titus, murdered to clear his path to power. Domitian proved to be an inept administrator, a worse military leader and, after a failed coup attempt, a paranoid, Stalinesque tyrant. He was also a blatant hypocrite, proclaiming himself to be the arbiter of Roman moral virtue while having numerous infidelities of his own. Finally even his own wife was fed up, and she was part of a plot that stabbed Domitian to death while he sat at his desk.
Commodus 180 CE - 192 CE
Forget the movies, Commodus was not the incestuous lout portrayed in Gladiator. No, he wasn't that mad, but rather just a huge egomaniac. He believed himself to be the greatest athlete ever, and to prove it fought in the gladiatorial games, much to the shock of the Romans. Commodus even charged the empire 1 million sesterces for each of his [highly staged] appearances, sparking a budget crisis. He subsequently renamed Rome itself to "Colonia Commodiana," renamed the months of the year in his own honor, and even renamed the Senate and army after himself. He had to go, so his mistress ordered a slave to strangle Commodus to death in his bath.
Caracalla 211 CE - 217 CE
Caracalla's vaunted father, the emperor Septimius Severus, was not a very nice man. In fact, he was a rather cruel and militant autocrat, but he was a successful one, so he's not on the list. Caracalla seems to have inherited his father's cruel mien but not his capable leadership abilities. He began his reign by having his brother and co-emperor Geta murdered so he could claim sole power. In 215, on a "grand tour" of his empire, Caracalla's forces massacred thousands of innocent civilians in Alexandria, Egypt for some unknown reason. Here we again have an assassination conspiracy, and this time, outdoing Domitian, Caracalla's own mother seems to have been in on it. When the Imperial retinue had stopped to allow the emperor to relieve himself along the side of the road, a body guard approached and stabbed Caracalla just as he had lowered his breeches. Caught with his pants down, so to speak.
Elagabalus 218 CE - 222 CE
Elagabalus (born Varius Avitus Bassianus) simply has to be my favorite of all the emperors. He was a Syrian grand-nephew to Caracalla, and he was installed as emperor at the age of 14. Even more shocking to Rome than his provincial origins was his adherence to the cult of Elagabal, otherwise known as the sun god Helios. He was the cult's high-priest, and even tried unsuccessfully to declare Elagabal the one true god of Rome. But what really makes him fun are his sexual antics. Elagabalus was Rome's only known transvestite emperor, and his sexual dalliances with both men and women (but particularly men) scandalized the empire. He married a chariot driver who happened to fall out of his vehicle in front of the imperial box. As part of their normal sex life, the emperor would arrange to be caught by his husband while having sex with other people, thereby giving his husband the right to beat him.
The emperor also would, it was rumored, clear out brothels and service the clients personally. He would cavort about Rome in female dress and make-up, leading huge orgiastic rites. He reportedly offered half of the empire to any doctor who could successfully give him female sex organs. In one almost certainly apocryphal tale, Elagabalus summoned to Rome a Greek blacksmith who was reportedly the most well-endowed man of the empire. But the emperor's husband was not about to lose his favored spot, so he laced the blacksmith's drink with an anti-aphrodisiac. When the poor Greek was unable to perform later that evening, Elagabalus banished him from the entire empire.
It was his own family, especially his grand mother Julia Maesa, that finally decided enough was enough. They forced him to declare his young cousin, Alexander Severus, as his Caesar and heir. Elagabalus was understandably pissed and tried to order Alexander murdered, but no one would carry out the order. One day in March 222, the 18-year-old emperor and his mother were cornered in a latrine in the praetorian camp and butchered by soldiers who were loyal to the Caesar. Elagabalus's reign was, so to speak, in the toilet.
Maximinus Thrax 235 CE - 238 CE
Maximinus the Thracian was a giant of a man, supposedly 8.5 feet tall and strong as a bull. He was the least-distinguished man to claim the Imperial title at this point, being a mere soldier who had risen through the ranks. He orchestrated the assassination of Alexander Severus and had his legion declare him emperor in 235. The Senate in Rome had a huge disdain for this "barbarian," and conspiracies against him arose almost immediately. Maximinus did not even bother to go to Rome, but rather set out on military campaigns against the Germans. While these campaigns were successful, they were enormously costly, and Maximinus raised the necessary funds through extortion and confiscation of property from the wealthy.
A North African governor and his son revolted and received the endorsement of the Senate, declaring themselves the emperors Gordian I and Gordian II. They ruled for all of 20 days before they were quickly put down by forces loyal to Maximinus, however; and so the Senate named two crotchety old Senators, Balbinius and Pupienus (I'm not making this up) as co-emperors. By this time, Maximinus had descended upon Italy, intending to fight his way to Rome and teach the Senate a lesson. He was stymied by the city of Aquileia, which closed its gates to him. Maximinus laid siege, but his soldiers had really had enough. They mutinied and killed their emperor, sending his head to Rome as a means of making nice-nice. Shortly thereafter, the elderly Balbinus and Pupienus, who had become paralyzed with mutual mistrust, were beaten to death by their guards and supplanted as emperors by another Gordian.
Gallienus 253 CE - 268 CE
Gallienus ascended to the purple when his famous father, Valerian, was captured by the Persians and forever disappeared into the east. In truth, Gallienus was probably more a victim of circumstance than a truly bad emperor. He had to contend with no fewer than 11 pretenders to the imperial throne, a situation that could tax anyone. Still, he is credited with losing the provinces of Britain, Gaul and Spain to a revolt by the Batavian Postumus. It's certainly fair to say that Gallienus was simply incapable of dealing with the problems that faced the empire during his reign. In 268 he seemed to finally be getting a handle on the Gallic revolt when the pesky Goths decided to invade, derailing his plans. While he enjoyed military successes, his own officers plotted against him. They used a messenger bringing false news of an approaching enemy to lure Gallienus from his tent unprotected one night and then murdered him.
Carinus 283 CE - 285 CE
The ancient historical records tell us that Carinus was an "evil" man who let himself be ruled by almost every conceivable vice. He was said to have been married and divorced nine times in his short life, as he continually used and disposed of his spouses. He surrounded himself with the most base of characters and spent vast sums of the Imperial treasury on ridiculously lavish feasts. Carinus was also notorious for seducing married women, and this may have led to his demise. It is said that a tribune whose wife and been seduced by the emperor struck Carinus down just as the imperial legions were poised to defeat the rival Diocletian in battle.
Galerius 305 CE - 311 CE
"Worst Death Ever" could be a phrase that easily applies to Galerius. After Diocletian split the empire into two parts, Galerius was named Caesar of the Eastern portion and subsequently became Augustus when Diocletian abdicated in 305. He is most notorious for issuing edicts of persecution against the Christians, a true and documented instance of such persecutions. He also meddled in the affairs of the Western Empire, successfully having one of his own loyalists named Caesar while constantly seeking to undermine Constantine, the Western Augustus. Galerius rather foolishly attempted to levy a tax on Italy, thus insuring instant animosity from the Western Empire. He finally succumbed to a horrific illness in 311, his corpulent body supposedly being eaten alive from the inside by a "mass of worms." His condition was so horrifying that doctors could not bear to go near him, and they were thus executed for being unable to help. Galerius supposedly proclaimed his illness as being punishment for his persecution of the Christians, and his edict was rescinded shortly before his death.
Honorius 395 CE - 423 CE
Honorius is often considered the most incompetent of Rome's emperors, and his 28-year reign was one in which he simply let the Western Empire collapse around him. He showed little interest in actually ruling, but rather holed himself up in Ravenna with his pet chickens. His military commander, the half-German Stilicho, proved to be just as disastrous, as he sought to attack the Eastern empire rather than devote resources to fending off the barbarian invasions. The disgruntled Senate accused Stilicho, probably falsely, of plotting against Honorius, so the emperor had the man put to death, along with scores of German troops serving in the Roman army. This prompted other German soldiers to jump ship to the invading Visigoths. In 408, the Visigoth Alaric captured Rome, the first time the city had been invaded in 800 years. When told of the catastrophe, the stupid Honorius believed that something had happened to a favorite pet chicken that he had named "Roma." Unfortunately, nobody thought to assassinate this idiot of an emperor, so he died of dropsy in 423.
Valentinian III 425 CE - 455 CE
At the age of 6, the third Valentinian was installed as emperor under the firm thumb of his mother, Galla Pracidia. During his 30-year reign, the Western Empire disintegrated almost unabated. This was largely helped by the emperor's tendency to levy unrealistic taxes on his subjects. These exorbitant taxes naturally led to a loss of loyalty from the remaining provinces, which more or less drifted away. Atilla invaded Italy in 451, and it was only thanks to the great general Aetius that the Huns were stopped. Valentinian, a suspicious and vindictive bastard, repaid Aetius by arranging his assassination in 454. Retainers loyal to Aetius couldn't let that go unpunished, however, and they successfully assassinated Valentinian the following year.
The remaining handful of Western Roman emperors were utterly unremarkable, more or less figure heads confined to Italy. Many were enthroned and subsequently dethroned by the powerful military leader Ricimer, who couldn't seem to find a suitably pliable yet competent lackey to wear the purple. In 475, the 10-year-old Romulus Augustulus was placed on the throne by his father, the general Orestes. The following year, The Scirian chieftain Odoacer captured Rome, killed Orestes and sent the boy emperor packing to a monastery in southern Italy, where he presumably lived out his days in peace. In truth, however, we do not know the fate of the last of the Roman emperors, who disappeared from history following his deposition.
Well, that's all for this all-too-brief look at Rome's most depraved rulers. Of course, there's much more out there to learn about these lunatics, but you'll have to do your own research on that!