IN CONGRESS, JULY 4, 1776
The Non-Binding Declaration of the Thirteen Colonies of King George III
When in the Course of Political Necessity it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the respect they once had for themselves, and to assume among the powerless of the earth, the separate and equal powerlessness to which the Supremacy of Kings consigns them, a feigned respect for the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to bleat like sheep.
We hold these truths to be impractical, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. — That to secure these rights, Governments cannot actually be instituted among Men, and cannot derive their just powers from the consent of the governed, because there isn’t enough time and we don’t have the votes.
BUT, whenever any Form of Government enslaves the people, it is the Right of the People to complain about it to each other, and to argue amongst themselves while their Government institutes further slavery, invoking even greater powers to enslave and organizing its powers in such form, as to that Government shall seem most likely to extend forever its own Safety and Happiness.
Moral Cowardice, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be held accountable; and accordingly all experience hath shown that mankind are always disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. Consequently, we have resolved that even though this long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object, evinces a design to reduce us under absolute Despotism, it would be too difficult to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for our future security.
Such is the inevitable fate of these Colonies; and such is now the political necessity which constrains us from doing anything other than offering this Non-Binding Declaration. The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. But we may have a different King in 1778. We may even have a Queen, and she might even listen to us if we behave ourselves.
To prove that we are serious defenders of the Rights of the People, let Facts be submitted to a candid world:
The King has refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good, but this has not stopped us, even once, from passing more laws.
The King has forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them. We’ve written letters to him about this, and expect to hear back from him any day now.
The King has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of Representation in the Legislature, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only. We’ve already received a letter back from the King about this, and he has assured us that he is not a Tyrant.
The King has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their Public Records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures. If we weren’t so tired, we’d lodge a formal complaint with the Registrar of Public Records.
The King has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly and womanly and at times, even childish firmness his invasions on the rights of the people. Our friend and colleague, Josiah Lieberman, is looking into this for us.
The King has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected, whereby the Legislative Powers, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the People at large for their exercise; the State remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within. We would like to take action on this, but it might embolden the merciless Indian savages and demoralize our militiamen.
The King has endeavored to prevent the population of these States; for that purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands. Some of us don’t like Immigrants either, they are taking away too many tavern cleaning jobs from our constituents.
The King has obstructed the Administration of Justice by refusing his Assent to Laws for establishing Judiciary Powers. Our friend and colleague Jeremiah Scalia told us to get over this, and we are striving to do so.
The King has made Judges dependent on his Will alone for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries. We tried to stop this, and until we do, we strongly advise our constituents to refrain from getting arrested.
The King has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harass our people and eat out their substance. We are currently investigating this, and will issue a full report as soon as we finish our Phase I report about the witch burnings in Salem.
The King has kept among us, in times of peace, Standing Armies without the Consent of our legislatures. As long he doesn’t draft any of our constituents, we don’t have a problem with that.
The King has affected to render the Military independent of and superior to the Civil Power. Lord Rumsfeld has been replaced by Lord Gates, let’s give him a chance before we make any hasty judgments about military issues.
We have been told that the King has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his Assent to their Acts of pretended Legislation:
We have been told that in order to prevail in his War on Fright, he has quartered large bodies of armed troops among us:
We have been told that he has protected them, by mock Trial, from punishment for any Murders which they should commit on Mohammedans or anyone else he doesn’t like:
We have been told that he has opened the first Wal-Mart and told us to go shopping:
We have been told that he has cut Taxes on his cronies with their enthusiastic Consent:
We have been told that he has deprived us in many cases, of the benefit of Trial by Jury:
We have been told that he has transported some of us beyond Seas to be tried for pretended offences:
We have been told that he has abolished the free System of Elections in the neighboring colony of Connecticut, establishing therein a monumentally stupid sycophant, and praises him as an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule into other Colonies:
We have been told that he has taken away our Charters, abolishing our most valuable Laws and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Governments:
We have been told that he has suspended our own Legislatures, and declared himself invested with unitary power to decide for us in all cases whatsoever.
We have been told that he has undermined Government here, by declaring us unpatriotic and waging ideological War against us.
We have been told that he has plundered our seas, ravaged our coasts, burnt our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people.
We have been told that he is at this time hiring large Armies of Mercenaries to compleat his works of death, desolation, and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty & Perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized nation.
We have been told that he has constrained our fellow Citizens taken Captive on the high Seas to bear Arms against their Country, to become the executioners of their friends and Brethren, or to fall themselves by their Hands.
We have been told that he has unleashed Lord Rove to excite domestic disputes amongst us, and has endeavored to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian Savages whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions because they hate us for our freedoms.
Some of us have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. Some of us believe that this King, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people. But most of us are concerned that actually declaring our Independence would be seen as an act of vengeance, would take too long, wouldn’t have enough votes in the House of Lords, would divert our attention from important legislation like passing a minimum wage for candle makers, and that we should just wait and hope we get a Queen in 1778.
So . . . based upon this wise advice and counsel, we, therefore, the Representatives of the Thirteen Colonies of King George, in General Congress, Assembled, ignoring the Supreme Judge of the world, do, in the Name, and by Authority of Ourselves, cravenly publish and non-bindingly declare, That these Colonies would like to become Free and Independent States at some point, would like to be Absolved someday from Allegiance to the British Crown, and would like that all political connection between us and the State of Great Britain be dissolved, as soon as King George III or one of his distant descendents deems it to be fit and proper.
For the sake of this non-binding Declaration, with a shaky reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, we mutually request that everyone be responsible enough to keep quiet until 1778 and give this plan a chance.