Throughout American history, statesmen and philosophers and people smarter than I have spilt much ink in an effort to define just what it means to be a liberal. I don't know who's right and who's wrong, but I do know those statesmen and philosophers are all schmucks. This is the 21st century, and in the 21st century what better way do we have to define what liberalism is than through the consumer products we choose to purchase? For this reason, I've decided to use my diary today to reflect on a very special product, which I feel comes closest to encapsulating the political philosophy that brings Kossacks together: the Krups FDH212-76 Rice Cooker.
No one has any doubt that cheap, ugly rice cookers from other manufacturers dominate kitchens as much as dinosaurs did the Jurassic plains. Little specialty makes like Zojirushi and Hitachi pop up here and there, as do many less well known rice cookers, holding down small niches among devotees of the Food Network.
And then there is the Krups FDH212-76.
Just what is it about the FDH212-76 that makes it such a vital and important part of liberalism in America today? Why do liberals like the FDH212-76, while conservatives shun it? I believe there are several reasons, which I shall enumerate here.
- It's so freakin' sweet. I mean, just look at it! That's a stylin' rice cooker. The thing could burst into flames at random times and I wouldn't care, because that is one sweet piece of equipment. Has there ever in the history of the world been a consumer product that's inspired more blind, unthinking consumerist devotion?
- Seriously, check that bad boy out. Like a top-of-the-line Sub-Zero refrigerator, that brushed aluminum exterior all but screams "you can't afford me, loser!" Krups may say the molded locking lid is safe to the touch, but they'll never convince me, because this baby is HOT!!
- Liberals understand the importance of style, while conservatives are ignorant philistines. It's been true since at least the 50s, daddio: conservatives are squares, dig it? So conservatives buy rice cookers that look like gray lunch buckets and run with all the flair of operating instructions. Liberals, beret owners from way back, think Krups' designs are the ginchiest. (Is it just a coincidence that "Krups" and "Krupa" differ by only one letter?)
- Liberals understand the importance of spending more money than necessary. Conservatives buy whatever's cheapest without taking into account the real value this represents. Liberals study the big picture and decide the FDH212-76 represents a better overall value, even if the initial price tag causes a moment of sticker shock. Yes, the $20 Proctor Silex piece of crap cooks rice about as well as the $80 FDH212-76, but there's a big difference: with the latter, you get rice that came out of a Krups FDH212-76. That kind of value is cheap at four times the price!
- Liberals understand the importance of judging people based on the consumer products they buy. Conservatives are so stupid! They probably think rice cookers are just for cooking rice. What's the point of buying anything at all if you can't look down your nose at people who made different choices for what they foolishly believe to be perfectly valid reasons?
Why bring this up now? Well... I don't know. I just fucking hate people who buy those low-class Proctor Silex pieces of shit, you know? What the fuck is wrong with people? Why can't they see things the way I see them?
And that brings me to my own secret theory. I call it... buying a Krups FDH212-76 makes you liberal.