My Nephew is moving into one of the more dangerous regions of Iraq. My nephew and I are very close. I often call him " My older baby" as I have a younger son. He tells me, " I am your oldest son". And in many ways, he is, we are as close as mother and son. He sought me out when everyone in his world had abandoned and neglected him after his father died and when his mother was too ill to be there for him.
He stays upbeat for his wife and all of us. He says things like...
Don't worry about me. They are too busy shooting at each other. I will just stay out of the line of fire.
But then he will say...
Well Auntie, You know the real story, you follow the news, you know what is going on and the real danger. Soft pedal it for my mother but I know you can handle the truth..you are tough.
There are days I do not feel so tough and strong. And I have my crying spells, sleepless nights, and my anxiety levels often are at the high level. I am still grieving the loss of my mother only 16 months ago so it does not take much to start some tears flowing.
Everyone here on DKOS has been supportive, kind, and helps me cope and stay strong. And my husband is a strong, supportive man and my best friend is a solid, rock of support throughout all the trials and tribulations of my life. But some of my own blood relatives and other so called friends and even some of his family on all sides, just do not get it. They are beyond dense, they are deluded.
Many others do not understand the stress and anxiety our family faces on a daily basis worrying about his safety and wellbeing. They ignore that he is there altogether and just tell me all will be well. I am so glad they are fortune tellers and psychics..snark.
But I will do whatever he asks me to do. I will manage to stay strong for his wife, his baby, and his mentally ill mother who is struggling to cope with any stress, let alone this major stressor.
I try to tell those acquaintances and friends that He is more than just a nephew, he often calls me, Mom. I am the person he sees he as his " mother figure". This is made even more interesting because he is not my nephew by blood, he is my husband's nephew. But I am the parental figure that he feels closest to. We had an instant bond. His own mother, my dear sister in law, is paranoid schizophrenic. She was unable to raise her son due to her periods of decompensation and hospitalization over the years. You see, The Navy in the 1970s misdiagnosed her. In all fairness, less was known about mental illness in the early 1970s. But yet, the proper intervention and medication did not help to stabilize her until a decade ago.
My nephew greatly depends on me to help hold the family together. As a psychologist, he knows I understand his mother's mental illness and that I am the one the psychiatrists and caseworkers call when there is a problem. It falls to me to be sure she is doing ok although she lives over an hour away. Thank goodness, she can live independently. But, we have found family needs to monitor the situation carefully and look for cues, clues, and signs of any possible trouble and decompensation.
He asked me to tell his mother he was deploying to Iraq. He just could not summon the energy and strength to do so as his wife was having great difficulty with his deployment and he was leaving his 6 month old baby and only child for what might be over a year. I promised him I would whatever he asked me to do, it was the least I could do.I told her and it actually went well. We were all so proud of her. I had some practice at this sort of thing as it fell to me to tell my only sibling that my father was dying. Less than 3 years later, I had to tell this sibling that our mother died suddenly and unexpectedly. ( Thank any higher power that may be ...for my husband who helped me on all these occasions to break bad news ). Sadly, we have become experts.
I cannot end this war but I sure as hell can do my part in supporting the troops in a personal way. And wow, is this ever personal. And now , we discover he is moving into one of the most dangerous neighborhoods in the entire country. He has asked me to soft pedal this news to his mother and not tell her all the details. We do not want his mother to end up in the VA Mental Ward of the VA Hospital if at all possible. (That topic alone requires a separate diary of how women patients are treated within the Veterans Administration. ) But I digress.
Schizophrenia can manifest itself in many and various manners. With my sister in law, if she does not hear from her son, she calls his wife. And that can upset his wife because unless one is familiar with or has some understanding of the how chronic, serious mental illness manifests itself, it can be quite difficult, stressful, and uncomfortable for others. As she does not just chat normally with her daughter in law but goes off on tangents and often she cannot communicate her thoughts coherently. And naturally my niece is trying to cope with her husband being at War and raising a baby on her own until he returns. It is a great burden and then to have to deal with not only a family member but other dysfunctional family members is such a burden for her. So I share that burden and I deal with it and take it all upon myself. There is no one else in the family who can do that or who is willing to do this. It falls to me. Don't get me wrong, that is ok and I will do that. I just resent Bush Cheney and their lies to go to this War. As I should not have to do this and my nephew should be home with his wife and child. He always wanted to be a Dad and his wish came true. He had a very rough childhood, filled with chaos and dsyfunction. His dreams were finally coming true of a wonderful marriage and a child. And then he was called to Iraq.
I have this philosophy that mystifies some other relatives and friends. that I am taking this on of being the one in the family who helps everyone else deal and cope with his deployment. But I look at this way: My nephew/ adopted son is at War. I will do whatever he asks me to the best of my ability. He is in harm's way and the last thing he needs to worry about are loved ones on the homefront.
But as many of your know with mentally ill relatives, we cannot control their actions and often my dear sister in law does as she pleases and then I worry she is causing distress for her son and daughter in law.
So as you can see, Bush's ego driven, fiasco of a war affects not only our troops and the citizens of Iraq who suffer greatly, but it has some side effects on family members of those serving there.
So I say to the Media:
Get your priorities straight. Cover this War and this Administration with scrutiny, skepticism and get to the bottom of the lies and deception. Ask the tough questions. And for God's sake, recognize REAL NEWS. Enough with the priority of covering Pop Culture and Celebrity Gossip First.
Hey wake up Media, Anna Nicole and her son's death are NOT MORE IMPORTANT THAN THAN THE DEATHS OF OUR MEN AND WOMEN AT WAR. IT IS A DISGRACE TO THINK OTHERWISE, OBSCENE IN FACT.
I say to acquaintances, colleagues, friends who do not want to hear about Iraq or my loved one there and who cannot understand why I am stressed over his deployment in Iraq:
Get your heads out the sand. Our troops are in the middle of a Civil War. And you tell me to forget about my nephew/ godson being there and in harm's way and you cannot understand how I am losing sleep about it.
It boggles my mind how some people just do not get the Horrors of this War and how it affects not just our troops but everyone , in one fashion or the other. The lack of empathy and compassion in our society is heartbreaking. ..absolutely heartbreaking.
There are times I feel I cry and worry alone. But I come here to this sight and I call on those friends who " get it" and it provides me strength to have hope and keep going.