Today is Father's Day, as everyone knows. For me, this is not a holiday that I've ever really celebrated. Having grown up with a birth father that was absent, and bad when he was present, a step-father that is a good man but is part of a strict religious cult, I've not necessarily had the best father figure present. I don't really have a specific "dad" to celebrate.
Now I am a dad of a five week old baby. I want to learn from the mistakes of the fathers I've known and try to do a better job. I've got a lot to learn.
Also posted on Blue House Diaries.
For my first father's day, I woke up to the sound of a crying baby. My wife went to get the milk prepared. She went to the kitchen and popped a coffee mug of hot water into the microwave. While it was going, she sped over to the fridge and pulled out the bottle of formula to pour into the liner. While this was going on, I grabbed the baby and changed her diaper (which was not a poopy diaper, fortunately) and tried to comfort her until her mother brought the bottle to the chair we sit in to feed her. It was my time to feed her, so I sat in the chair, put my daughter on my lap, put the bib on her, and then proceeded to give her the bottle which she started to devour hungrily.
When I feed my daughter, she often stares at me. Her eyes show a sense of confusion and innocence that bonds me to her. You can't help but want to take care of someone so tiny and fragile. It makes me wonder why there are men out there that do not play a part in their children's lives. Mothers seem to get all of the focus, but fathers are also important. For me, seeing her is like seeing the most delicate part of myself lying there in a crib, and I have to do everything to protect that part of me. Not all fathers are like that.
The conservatives claim that they like to focus on family and strengthen families. One of the homes that I grew up in, the better one, was very conservative. I believe that my parents did the best job they could, however, the biblical way of raising a child doesn't lead to healthy, well-adjusted kids. I was raised to follow orders, not to question them and to make the best decision. I was taught that spanking and threats of losing things were the most effective forms of enforcing child obedience. "Spear the rod, spoil the child" was the mantra. There were also certain topics that I knew were off limits, so I felt less inclined to talk to my parents about important things. As a result, as a teenager I did a lot of stuff that I hid from my parents, some of which might have been extremely dangerous.
In the other house, I grew up on my own. I felt often like I was raising myself. Rather than being told to be obedient, I wasn't told anything. I did as I pleased. This too is a conservative trait, in a way. You're On Your Own is a lesson I learned very early on. The interactions I did get with my real father were usually altogether unpleasant.
As a liberal and a fan of history, I've learned to pay attention to the past so I can avoid making the same mistakes as others, and I've learned that compassion is important. I have no real base on which to know how to raise children. Instead, I focus on my ideals and morals and remember how I felt when I was being raised. I will try to raise my daughter in such a way that she will feel ok to ask questions, even if they are annoying, so that she can learn to make good decisions. Right now I help my wife as much as possible in taking care of her because I know that there is no such thing as "woman's work" but instead there is such a thing as "parenting."
I will allow my daughter to be imperfect and make mistakes. She will learn. I will be a guide rather than a dictator who becomes enraged at failure. If she chooses to do things that I do not approve of, I would hope that she trusts me enough to talk to me about them and to respect my views. Rather than having a punishment-focused childhood, she will have one focused on learning and rewards. Punishments will still be there, but I'd rather she concentrate on doing good than fearing bad things happening to her.
After her birth, I changed dramatically. In a way I became radicalized. No longer can I sit around and wait for the world to go to hell. I have to do things to make this a better place for my daughter. It really bothers me to know that there might not be polar bears around for her to show her children. It bothers me that pollution might kill her mother and father too early. It bothers me that the collapse of this nation could occur within her lifetime and that she would live a hard life unlike mine. I don't want her to have to face these things; I want her to have a bright future.
So as a new father there is a lot that I expect of myself. Whether it's how I act in raising my daughter or how I act in the world in general I see the importance of doing what is right even at my own personal cost. I must be willing to lose sleep to keep her fed just as I must risk losing my job for not putting up with conservative bullshit artists spreading their crap. I have to be willing to not let my daughter eat at McDonald's, just as I must work to companies like theirs out of business to conserve the environment, raise wage levels, and improve the American diet.
There is a synergy of parenthood and political activism. As a parent you learn to care for others in a way that you may not have known otherwise. You also develop a greater sense of importance in planning for the future. You become much more deliberate in your actions. You become less tolerant of stupidity and laziness.
I'd like to give a shout out to all the liberal fathers on this site. May we all do our best to raise healthy, intelligent, compassionate children who will carry on with the good fight and will make progress in their time to leave a lasting mark on the world. May we all do our part now in laying the ground work for them. I want all of you to help me make this nation and planet into what children are taught about in school. I want my daughter to grow up in a nation that believes in doing what is right and helping those that need it.
A recent photo of Sofia with her father.