Corporate America today, speaking through its Public Relations Firm Broken Record Communications, announced today in a press conference that it is adopting the tactics of liberals & progressives.
Chief Obfuscator for Broken Record, Marilyn 'Muddy the Waters' Millionaire, had this to say:
Corporate America has taken notice of how liberals and progressives choose party 'unity' over substance in the majority of cases when deciding to support Democratic candidates. As a consequence, Corporate America has decided to continue supporting candidates even when such politicians fail to deliver on Corporate American's agenda. Too often we have tied our support to the model of "return-on-investment'. Henceforth we will be more 'progressive' in our approach and support party unity over actionable results.
More coverage from the press conference continues below....
During an interactive and live question & answer session, the following exchanges took place:
(Sam Softball of MSNBC):
Ms. Millionaire, don't you think that offering blanket support of candidates - even absent any actual return on your investment - will result in Corporate America not having its agenda advanced?
Ms. Millionaire responded:
No, not at all Sam. By decoupling support from actionable results we feel that the entire process will be made smoother. No longer will elected officials be burdened by the concern of showing a return-on-investment; This in turn will lead to greater unity within the endless ranks of elected officials who support our agendas. We fully expect that as a sign of appreciation for making the process more efficient, elected officials will continue to support our agenda and advocate for those American values we all hold dear.
(Alan 'Useful Tool' Colmes) of Fox News, had this to say:
Ms. Millionaire, this seems to fly in the face of how Corporate America operated. The new approach you outlined seems to me that it would result in generating the same type of return-on-investment that progressives frequently enjoy. (*chuckle*) Namely, you won't get shit if your approach is all carrot and no stick (*chuckles at own wit*). How do you calculate that Corporate America can possibly achieve positive results using the same model as adopted by progressives which yields them almost squat?
Sean 'Interruptus Coitus' Hannity interrupts: There you go gain Alan! Always criticizing anything to do with Capitalism and Corporate America. Don't you liberal hippies ever get tired of dissing Mom & Applie Pie? Why do you guys always insist on coddling terrorists?
Sean, I get your point and agree that those of us on the left hate the military and want to provide wellfare for terrorists. But, I mean.. look, the war is still going on with no end in sight, people can still be rounded up and held indefinitely, and we still legally support torture. How have progressives reaped any rewards on their misguided agendas from offering near-blanket support without consequences?
Ms. Millionaire:
Alan, those are great points. What I would like to point out is that surely progressives would not actually adopt a model which did not yield results. I mean, their consensus based approach must surely have a payback. Why, we can easily look to Bush's veto as proof that lowered expectations and consensus approach clearly have a benefit to the progressive community. We feel that what the Bush veto shows is that when progressives are united, they can get action. Perhaps if their support was even more unconditional, they could have achieved two vetos instead of only one - in essence, doubling their return on investment!
Ms. Millionaire:
I want to thank all of you for coming out today - I apologize I cannot answer any additional questions as I am on a tight schedule and have already worked four hours non-stop this morning. I look forward to working with you again in the future as we in Corporate America implement the non-return-on-investment model held dear by a majority of progressives. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to get to my limo which will take me to the airport for a flight on a private corporate jet taking me to my next press conference. As always, keep the bar of expectations low and remember: Not getting results is no reason to stop supporting the party of our choice.
This has been a snark piece, sponsored by extreme frustration with the seeming lack of our ability to force our 'leaders' to lead and deliver.