About a month ago, I started a new job. A new, low paying job (I make .15 above minimum wage. I bring this up to say, there is no opportunity where I live. It is a rural area stricken with poverty and under-education). At the new job, I met a friend. Let's call her "Tina."
Tina is the mother of six. She had her first kid at 15 and is married to a man who is 11 years her senior. Tina is 33 and trapped in her bad marriage. When i first started working, I mainly knew Tina as the woman who's husband wouldn't let her work (out of jealousy, for having a life outside of home, but also because he suspected her intentions with our teenage male coworkers. As if!) So she'd show up late for work, looking a mess. Then she'd leave me in the middle shift, after being on the phone with her jealous husband for an hour. When she first left and didn't come back, I thought I might never hear from her again ..
Well I did. And I need your advice.
Of course, these circumstances forced Tina to quit her job. And she was miserable. Her husband only "allowed" her to come back to work because he couldn't live with her in the house crying all day. Tina is a good woman. She doesn't vote, she says, because she has no time to know who to vote for. I've talked to her quite a bit. She is a progressive in her heart.
But all was not well. I said I would cover her shift every Sunday so she could go to church with her family as a way to placate her husband. But that was just an excuse. The real problem was jealousy : jealousy of a life apart from her husband. She simply is not allowed to live without him.
She has told me, that in the past, when she tried to leave him, he has threatened to kill himself. Oh, but I shouldn't worry, because he hasn't hit her in years.
She came back to work. They got separated. Violence ensued. The other day, after Tina pulled a double (that's working more than 12 hours) so I wouldn't have to work alone after one of the privileged teenagers decided not to go to work (he can't be fired. He is a friend of the owner's son. Imagine.), Tina shows up the next afternoon looking like a wreck. Well, her husband found her driving, called her and threatened to run her off the road unless she stopped to talk. He then yanks her out of her minivan, takes her keys, her purse, her work uniform and other belongs and drives off. Scatters her stuff along the highway. And I think he hit her. After getting a ride back to work, she asked me to help her get her stuff.
Let me say man. I am pissed. I am 24. I am 5'9 145lbs. Her husband is 44, 6'3" and over 200lbs. Yeah, I am getting in it. Tina is a petite blonde, about 5'2" and around 80lbs. She has lost weight recently due to all this stress. No excuse for this. None.
So that's pretty much where we are. She found a place to stay (with our manager), but our manger's husband is worried that Tina's husband will do something violent (they have kids of their own to worry about) so she may not be able to stay there any longer. I have offered my place (I live alone right now and have extra room), so at least there is that.
But the real problem? I can't get her to do anything. I have suggested getting a protective order. I ordered her some pepperspray online (hope it arrives soon) and I now will go to work when she closes alone, because her husband knows her work schedule. I wait until her ride comes and gets her.
But tonight, her husband called and said she "destroyed" his life and he wanted to talk for a while. Could he come get her? She said yes. There's pretty much nothing I can do about that.
Sorry for the lengthy and rambling diary. I can't stand it. The big problems I am facing, besides the physical threat of her jealous and potentially suicidal husband (I'm okay with that), is that I cannot get Tina to take steps to protect herself. She feels so hopeless and trapped. And there are the kids to consider.
My questions, for one, I live in the state of VA (I mention this for legal reasons). I would like to, for Tina, to at minimum, seek a protective (or restraining) order against her husband. I would like for our workplace to restrict his access to our work. He should be banned from the premises. To the first, Tina is really reluctant to do anything. To the second, our work says they can't unless he causes a disturbance first. Can someone tell me if our work's position is baloney?
I want to point out to our work that they could be held liable to violence that occurs on their property, given their reluctance to do anything to provide a safe environment. But any mention of the word "liability" would be followed by a second word: "terminated." Virginia is a "work-at-will" state and they can find any reason in the world to fire her.
Here is the relevant statute,
Virginia Code, Section 18.2-119 - Trespass After Having Been Forbidden to do So
"If any person without authority of law goes upon or remains upon the lands, buildings, or premises of another, or any part, portion or area thereof, after having been forbidden to do so, either orally or in writing by the owner, lessee, custodian, or other person lawfully in charge thereof, or after having forbidden to do so by a sign or signs posted . . . on such lands, buildings, premises or portion of area thereof at a place or places where it may be reasonably seen . . . he and/or she shall be guilty of a Class I Misdemeanor."
and
Virginia Code, Section 18.2-57.2 - Assault & Battery Against a Family or Household Member
Any person who commits an assault and battery against a family or household member shall be guilty of a Class 1 Misdemeanor.
I don't know what to do. I told her to call me any time for any reason. But I can't be there all the time. This guy is just a bully and I will face him down, but I can't without her cooperation. Without her cooperation, I cannot go to the police. I just don't really know what to do except keep doing what I am doing ...
Update : i have been given great advice. sadly, better than what the hotline had to offer. the comments have made it clear that any kind of relationship i have with this woman will only be a threat to her. i can see this very clearly now. i will offer her help and a safe place, but i will try, very hard, to disengage myself so her husband does not find an excuse to be violent. thank you very much for the advice. i didn't want to post this diary. i almost deleted it right after i did. but now i know what i have to do.