When in the Course of Corporate Media Infamy it becomes necessary to condemn the Outrages of these Mercenaries, to expose their pervasive Deceit, and to assume among the ranks of fellow progressives the separate but equal condition of seething fury the Corporate Media consigns us to, respect for the Principles of Actual Journalism requires that we should declare the causes which impel us to Damn them to Hell.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all Corporate Media outlets are created Corruptible, that they are endowed by Mammon the Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Deception, Disinformation, and the Expansion of Corporate Power.
That to secure these Rights, BushCo propaganda is peddled among them, deriving its power from the Endless Repetition of Lies, -- That whenever the truth would harm Republicans, it is the Policy of the Corporate Media to Dissemble, Distort, Deceive, and just Make Shit Up, broadcasting such Contrived and Delusional Narratives as to them shall seem most likely to further empower Wealthy Bastards.
Prudence dictates that Corporate Media Talking Heads should not be criticized for light and transient causes; but recent experience hath shown that these Hacks are more disposed to conceal the destruction of democracy, while democracy is being destroyed, than to inform their viewers that it is being destroyed by the aforementioned Wealthy Bastards who sign their paychecks.
So when long years of Corporate Media Abuses, pursuing invariably the same Object, evinces a design to wipe the Truth from the face of the Earth, it is our right, it is our duty, to Damn them to Hell and become the Media.
Such has been the patient sufferance of the Netroots, and such is the necessity which compels us to Proclaim the Truth about this Illicit Empire of Hackdom that used to be the Fourth Estate:
The history of the Corporate Media has been a history of repeated Idiocy, all having in direct consequence the establishment of Absolute Idiocy Worldwide. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world:
Bill O'Reilly has refused his Assent to a Lobotomy, even though it would be most wholesome and necessary for the public good.
Bryan Williams has defamed our blogging colleague Vinny, who engages in more actual journalism in his basement in one day than Williams ever has as anchorman of General Electric Nightly News.
When Rush Limbaugh isn't fornicating with underage Prostitutes in the Dominican Republican and other Diverse Locations, he is spewing slanderous Lies and Falsehoods across the airwaves of this imprisoned country.
Chris Matthews has forbidden Himself to report truthfully on matters of immediate and pressing political importance, and instead indulges in Embarrassing Worship of Manly Men with Bulging Machismo such as Fred Thompson, who exudes aftershave pheromones Mathews demonstrably cannot resist.
Tim Russert of Meet the Stenographers infamy chronically refuses to divulge to his viewers that the Republicans he has on his show with agonizing frequency have never told anything even remotely resembling the truth to anyone at any time in any location.
Rupert Murdoch has refused to provide news programs for the edification of the citizens of this country, a right inestimable to them and formidable to Tyrants only, because he's a Tyrant himself in unholy alliance with a Multitude of equally ruthless Tyrants.
Tucker Carlson has summoned fellow Imbeciles to broadcast studios unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from hotel lodgings, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into Incoherence so his own Incoherence will not be as noticeable to his viewers. He has three viewers left now. He used to have four, but one died last Friday. Autopsy results are Incoherent, so we can only speculate as to the sudden demise of 25 percent of Tucker's audience.
Glenn Beck does unspeakable things to CNN janitors. The dignity of this historic document precludes us from elaborating further.
David Broder left Debilitating Senility behind 10 years ago and has ventured into a Psychological Wilderness so Remote from Human Experience that it is beyond the abilities of modern psychiatric science to even begin to evaluate the bizarre cognitive events that occur there.
Sean Hannity began life as a blastocyst in a petrie dish in Roger Ailes' garage. Rumors that a rabid skunk pissed in the petrie dish cannot be confirmed, but it would explain a lot.
Why Wolf Blitzer is on national television every day is an inexplicable Mystery of the Universe even more unfathomable than the unquantifiable interactions between particles of matter and anti-matter in sub-atomic quantum physics.
Katie Couric has single-handedly set journalism back a thousand years, but she has a nice wardrobe and a cute pixie smile, which is what passes for journalistic standards now at that Black Rock train wreck that used to be CBS News.
NBC, CBS, ABC, CNN, MSNBC, Time, Newsweek, The Washington Post, The New York Times, and corrupted media outlets across this nation have been complicit in Bush/Cheney Tyranny. They have betrayed the American people by relentlessly restricting coverage of the rampant lawlessness and criminal abuses of power of these Tyrants, who have perpetrated outrages of such magnitude as to horrify the world.
The degenerate Corporate Media stands condemned:
For aiding and abetting the illegal invasion and occupation of Iraq:
For criminal complicity in crimes against humanity, through their craven refusal to fully investigate the systematic and ongoing torture of human beings on the direct orders of Bush Administration psychopaths:
For staffing a White House Press Corps comprised of immoral careerists who are eyewitnesses to Treason every day, but who actively conceal it because they enjoy the perks and prestige conferred upon them by the well-dressed war criminals currently inhabiting the White House:
For hostile campaign coverage of Gore and then Kerry while spreading Bush's lies and ignoring his brazen subversion of elections:
For cynical disinterest as Bush abolished hundreds of American Laws nationwide through signing statements, establishing therein an Arbitrary government, and enlarging its Boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for securing this atrocity called Unitary Executive Authority.
For their complete and utter abandonment of investigative journalism, which has enabled the Bush Administration to perpetrate abuses of power with impunity, ranging from infesting Iraq with a hundred thousand mercenaries who murder in our name, to massive NSA spying on American citizens, to the aiding and abetting of pervasive fraud and corruption throughout our entire defense industry:
For broadcasting mindless infotainment and exchanging witty quips about John Edwards' hair, while defense contractors are still robbing us blind, multitudes of Christianist nitwits are still subverting the entire Executive Branch, Gonzo's hacks are still decimating the Department of Justice, wounded soldiers are still lying in filth in VA hospitals across America, our air and water are still being poisoned by corporate polluters, and global warming is still intensifying and accelerating because Bush still doesn't give a shit and never will.
For collecting their blood money paychecks while we're still all locked in the backseat of that smirking lunatic's DeciderMobile, careening down the George W. Bush Expressway to Hell with Rush Limbaugh raving on the radio and the windshield splattered with blood.
Through every stage of these Oppressions, we have Petitioned the Corporate Media to tell the Truth about that Criminal. We have petitioned in the most humble and polite terms, but Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by Slanderous Accusations that we are profane hippie bloggers in dirty pajamas who never leave our basements.
The Corporate Media has demonstrated rigid allegiance to Bush, this travesty of a president, this pathological Liar, whose character has been stained by every act which defines a Tyrant. He is unfit for office, unfit for citizenship, and unfit to even look upon that flag he has desecrated with war crimes and torture.
But the Corporate Media still protects him. These Hacks are a clear and present danger to American democracy. That danger is intensifying as they target our Democratic presidential candidates with hostile coverage and pound the drums for war with Iran.
We, therefore, the New Media of the Netroots, on Daily Kos Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name of, and by the Authority of the good People of America, solemnly publish and declare that Americans from this day forward, in order to save our country, must Damn the Corporate Media to Hell as we have, and join us on Progressive Blogs, where democracy thrives, the Truth is told, the Constitution is defended, and America's future will be determined.