Abbott: Well Costello, I'm going to Washington, DC with you. You know the President gave me a job as a constitutional strategist for as long as you’re working with the NSA to fight terrorism.
Costello: Look Abbott, if you're a White House strategist, you must know all the cabinet members and other staff.
Abbott: I certainly do.
Costello: Well, you know I’ve never met the guys. So you’ll have to tell me their names, and then I’ll know who can help me get around FISA, the other courts, the Constitution, and that pesky public.
Abbott: Oh, I’ll tell you their names, but you know it seems to me they give these politicians and staffers now-a-days very peculiar names.
Costello: You mean funny names?
Abbott: Strange names, pet names...like Decider.
Costello: You mean Ima?
Abbott: Yep, Ima Decider. Well, let’s see who else we have in the administration: Yoo’s legal counsel, Watt's in Interior, and I Don’t Recall the Attorney General.
Costello: That’s what I want to find out.
Abbott: I said Yoo’s legal counsel, Watt's in Interior, and I Don’t Recall's AG.
Costello: Are you the strategist?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: And you don’t know the fellows’ names?
Abbott: Well I should.
Costello: Well then who’s our legal counsel?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: I mean the fellow’s name.
Abbott: Yoo.
Costello: The guy in the office.
Abbott: Yoo.
Costello: The legal counsel.
Abbott: Yoo.
Costello: The guy ...
Abbott: Yoo is legal counsel!
Costello: I'm asking you who’s our legal counsel.
Abbott: That’s the man's name.
Costello: That’s who’s name?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: Well go ahead and tell me.
Abbott: That’s it.
Costello: That’s who?
Abbott: Yes.
PAUSE
Costello: Look, you got legal counsel to help me side-step the Constitution?
Abbott: Certainly.
Costello: Who’s the person?
Abbott: That’s right.
Costello: When you award a Congressional medal to the legal counsel for, let's say, usurping the Fourth Amendment of the Bill of Rights, who gets it?
Abbott: That's right.
Costello: All I’m trying to find out is the fellow’s name.
Abbott: Yoo.
Costello: The guy that gets...
Abbott: That’s it.
Costello: Who gets the medal...
Abbott: He does. Sometimes his Defense Department and CIA cronies get one too.
Costello: Whose cronies?
Abbott: Yes.
PAUSE
Abbott: What’s wrong with that?
Costello: Look, all I wanna know is when the legal counsel writes an opinion that says the Executive Branch is bigger than the Constitution, how does he sign his name?
Abbott: Yoo.
Costello: The guy.
Abbott: Yoo.
Costello: How does he sign...
Abbott: That’s how he signs it.
Costello: Who?
Abbott: Yes.
PAUSE
Costello: All I’m trying to find out is what’s the guy’s name.
Abbott: No. Watt's in Interior.
Costello: I'm not asking who’s in Interior.
Abbott: Yoo’s the legal counsel.
Costello: One job at a time!
Abbott: Well, don’t change the administration around.
Costello: I’m not changing nobody!
Abbott: Take it easy, buddy.
Costello: I’m only asking you, who’s the guy in the legal counsel's office?
Abbott: That’s right.
Costello: OK.
Abbott: All right.
PAUSE
Costello: What’s the guy’s name in the legal counsel's office?
Abbott: No. Watt's in Interior.
Costello: I'm not asking who’s in Interior.
Abbott: Yoo’s the legal counsel.
Costello: I don’t recall.
Abbott: He’s the Attorney General, we're not talking about him.
Costello: Now how did I get to the AG?
Abbott: Why you mentioned his name.
Costello: If I mentioned his name, who's AG?
Abbott: No. Yoo’s legal counsel.
Costello: What’s in the counsel's office?
Abbott: Watt’s in Interior.
Costello: I don’t recall.
Abbott: He’s the AG.
Costello: There I go, back to the AG again!
PAUSE
Costello: Look, would you just stay with the AG for a second.
Abbott: All right, what do you want to know?
Costello: Now who’s AG?
Abbott: Why do you insist on moving Yoo to the AG’s office?
Costello: What's moving to the AG’s office?
Abbott: No. Watt’s in Interior.
Costello: You don’t want who in Interior?
Abbott: Yoo is legal counsel.
Costello: I don’t recall.
Abbott & Costello Together: AG!
PAUSE
Costello: Look, you gotta cabinet to help me fight civilization's greatest threat ever?
Abbott: Sure.
Costello: The Secretary of State’s name?
Abbott: Oh, Rice.
Costello: No thanks, I just ate.
Abbott: Well, I just thought I’d tell ya.
Costello: Then tell me who’s the Secretary of State.
Abbott: No, Yoo’s the legal counsel.
Costello: I’m not...stay out of the counsel's office! I want to know what’s the person’s name in the Secretary of State’s office?
Abbott: No, Watt’s in Interior.
Costello: I'm not asking who’s in Interior.
Abbott: Yoo’s the legal counsel!
Costello: I don’t recall.
Abbott & Costello Together: Attorney General!
PAUSE
Costello: Again, the Secretary of State’s name?
Abbott: Condi.
Costello: Candy? I told you, I just ate! Look, forget that, you gotta general to help spin administration lies?
Abbott: Sure.
Costello: The general’s name?
Abbott: Petraeus.
Costello: Now, why did he do that?
Abbott: Do what?
Costello: Betray us.
Abbott: No, Petraeus.
Costello: He'd better not! Look, when are you gonna tell me who’s general?
Abbott: Now listen. Yoo is not a general.
Costello: I'll break your arm if you say who’s legal counsel! I want to know what’s the general’s name?
Abbott: Watt’s in Interior.
Costello: I don’t recall.
Abbott & Costello Together: AG!
PAUSE
Costello: Okay, you gotta Vice President?
Abbott: Certainly.
Costello: The VP’s name?
Abbott: Dick.
Costello: I don’t know dick.
Abbott: Now you’ve got it.
PAUSE
Costello: Look, I've gotta help the President with his illegal surveillance. Surely these activities must create enemies.
Abbott: Yes. Move.on.
Costello: I will once you tell me. Who's the enemy?
Abbott: No, Yoo's the legal counsel.
Costello: I don't recall! Don't tell me...AG!
PAUSE
Costello: You know I’m a strategist too.
Abbott: So they tell me.
Costello: I'm supposed to help the President fight the evil-doers by spying on our citizens. So, when the opposition brings up that pesky Constitution thing, I take the legal case to who?
Abbott: Now that’s the first thing you’ve said right.
Costello: I don’t even know what I’m talking about!
Abbott: There, you've passed the administration's first test. That’s all you have to do.
Costello: Is take the case to who?
Abbott: Yes!
Costello: Now who’s got it?
Abbott: Naturally.
PAUSE
Costello: Look, if I take the constitutional issue to who, somebody’s gonna get it. Now who has it?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: Who?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: Naturally?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: So I dissect this legal problem, figure out how we can get around the Constitution, and I take it to Naturally.
Abbott: No you don’t, you take it to Yoo.
Costello: Naturally.
Abbott: That’s different.
Costello: That’s what I said.
Abbott: You're not saying it...
Costello: I take the case to Naturally.
Abbott: You take it to Yoo.
Costello: Naturally.
Abbott: That’s it.
Costello: That’s what I said!
Abbott: You ask me.
Costello: I take the case to who?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: Now you ask me.
Abbott: You take the case to Yoo?
Costello: Naturally.
Abbott: That’s it, you could be White House Press Secretary.
Costello: Says you! Says you! I take the case to who. Whoever it is offers me rice and candy, the general betrays us, and I don't know dick. Who writes a legal opinion subverting the Constitution and takes it to what in Interior. What sends it to I don’t recall. Why? I don’t recall! He’s the AG and I don’t know didly squat!
Abbott: What?
Costello: I said I don’t know didly squat!
Abbott: Oh, that's the President.