Before I get started, let me just say that this diary isn't meant as a 'poor me' gripe-fest. Rather, it's just some meandering thoughts on this day we celebrate a famous Jew's birthday. I thought I'd post these here, in a community I find much comfort in.
More below...
As the title kinda makes clear, I am alone (physically) this Christmas day, as I was on Christmas Eve too. It was my own choice as I certainly had options with both family and friends. Sometimes, though, being alone gives one a chance to reflect on life. That, plus the fact that in my case, there is some drama going on with my relatives that I really didn't feel like dealing with -- not when I have my own drama and stress to deal with.
I've mentioned it in comments before, but I am a gay man. That alone, of course, doesn't cause much stress anymore for me. My stress comes from a long distance relationship. A relationship so frought with challanges some think we are crazy to pursue it.
So I called my partner last night to see how he was doing and wish him a Merry Xmas and all. He was drinking and drunk. That was odd as I am more likely to be the one to drink too much and too often. He was depressed, in the way the holidays can do such. We talked for 3 hours. A three hour phone call to the middle east is not cheap. Yes, that was the long distance I mentioned. You see my boyfriend is a citizen in one of the countries the US does not have such good relations with, which, of course, makes the distance seem even farther.
Probably not the best idea, but I figured if he was drinking, it would be rude to let him drink alone. I popped the cork on a bottle of cheap merlot and talked.
I tried to cheer him up. At one point I even sang to him some upbeat Xmas carols (amazed myself because I can't hold a tune and never sing, not even in the shower). We toasted to Festivus. We talked US politics and elections-- he doesn't think anything will change regardless of who we nominate and elect next fall. After this current congress, he may be right. In the end, there was only so much that can be done when 7,000 miles separates you.
He came very close to saying he wanted to end it- us. We've both known that it could be as long as two more years before we can be together for good. That and the distance makes it emotionally very painful. He's also a gay man living in a country which, while does not execute gays, doesn't embrace them (not to say the USA is fabulous on that front either).
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I've always thought Christmas was placed on our calendar at a perfect time, one week before New Year. Even though I'm not religious, Christmas has always been, for me, a time of reflection on the past and hope for the future. And what better way to propel those hopes than a celebration and transition into new year? Smart thinking, whoever came up with this.
I tried calling my partner tongiht. No answer. Unsurprising as cell calls into the middle east are sketchy at best. Hope he's okay.
All the best to everyone separated from friends and loved ones.
And I'll pour myself a glass of wine now to toast you all: May all your hopes and dreams be realized.