This is the first part of a two part (possibly three-part) diary (the second part to be published tomorrow) surrounding our family decision to abort my wife's fourth pregnancy. This first part will cover the reasons behind the choice, the philosophy that drove the decision. The second part will discuss the actual experience, i.e. the protestors, the clinic, the staff. It will also discuss my impressions as to the concrete effects of Kentucky's various abortion laws. If tomorrow's diary is running a little long, I may push that discussion back to a third day.
Until today, my support of the pro-choice position had been abstract. Abstract, because it was easy for me to say I am pro-choice because I am a man and it wasn't my body having to face nine months of pregnancy. I was not the one that was going to be used as, in essence, a mobile life support machine. Abstract support, because at the age of 38 I had never been exposed to taking part in that choice. I had thought I would never have to take part in that choice. Until today...
Or, rather, last week. That was when Mrs. Madman showed me the positive pregnancy test. A little background about me and my family. I am 38 years old and have been married to Mrs. Madman for 5 1/2 years, in a serious relationship with her for two years (give or take) before that. She is my first (and preferrably last) marriage.
Prior to Mrs. Madman, I could count my serious, long-term relationships possibly on one hand plus a couple other fingers. My casual relationships? I'm thinking a Cray supercomputer might track that number. Kids? Didn't have any, that I knew of, and wasn't sure I wanted any. my family situation was not the most ideal, I was the oldest of three children, at the ripe old age of five, when my own father took a powder with the rent due! My mother never remarried and in 1980 moved back in with her mother, who had been widowed since 1957 and never remarried, and her grandmother, also widowed in 1957 and never remarried. In essence, I grew up in a home where there were three adult wommen in the house (until 1982 when my great-grandmother passed) who had not had a healthy relationship with a man in decades! I wasn't sure what it meant to be a father, let alone a good one. I firmly believed, however not militantly, that a freedom of choice went hand in hand with a freedom of religion (including humanism), as different faiths have different thoughts on when life begins and that freedom of choice was truthfully the bedrock of any other freedom.
My wife has been married previously and had tried for a number of years with her first husband to have children. She had a brief pregnancy that ended in the miscarriage of twin boys. This was not the primary reason for her first marriage ending, but it certainly affected it. She is the only child of her mother and father's marriage, though she has four sisters and one brother who are much older than her, between ten and seventeen years. Her mother had an incident when my wife was nine that left her in a vegatative state for nineteen years. Her father passed away from brain cancer about a year before I met her. Her mother passed away the winter before we started dating.
When we started dating, I had no issues with trying to concieve and we didn't hold back from practicing. After two years before and two years during the marriage and still no result, we had virtually given up.
Then our first miracle happened, shortly after my spouse had gastric bypass surgery. I was floored when the nurse practitioner came in to say she wanted to discuss our positive pregnancy test. My response, verbatim, was "How positive is positive?" I was afraid that after all the disappointment my spouse had gone through, she would be disappointed again by a false positive. However, in late 2004 the first little one was born, wonderful baby daughter. Followed eighteen months later by our second miracle, also a daughter.
We felt we were done. We felt that a third child would be ill-advised. I had volunteered to be the one surgically altered, since Mrs. Madman had done her part through pregnancy. However, when we first broached the subject, my health insurance allowance for the year had already been used, so the funds would come all out-of-pocket. We then decided to wait until the new plan year, using other forms of contraception. Here I will take full and complete responsibility and I failed myself, my spouse and my family. Through procrastination and sheer distaste for those other forms, we found ourselves in a difficult situation.
We were faced with a third pregnancy. Our reaction this time was markedly different from the first two. Instead of unqualified joy, followed by moments of sheer panic, this time it was almost dread, followed by resignation. There are three paths to choose when faced with a pregnancy. First, carry to term and keep the baby. Second, carry to term and give the baby up for adoption. Third, terminate the pregnancy. Those are the only choices, though there is a varied spectrum of combinations of the choices.
For both myself and my spouse, morally, the first choice would have been preferrable. Neither of us are very religious, but I was raised Catholic, my wife was raised in Church of Christ. Old teachings die hard I guess.
Economically, emotionally, physically, and by almost any other measurement, however, that would not be the best choice either for ourselves, or for our other children.
- Economics: We are a lower middle class family, I would say, economically. We are the sole means of support for my mother, who also has special needs. We are also in the middle of purchasing a home, on a contract that would be difficult to back out on. How much of that would be transferred into emotional resentment of the children? Would the third child put just enough strain on the family, that we stopped considering our first two the miracles that they are?
- Physically: Neither of us are in the best of health. Mrs Madman has reached an age that certain genetic anomalies come at a much higher rate. Down's syndrome in a woman over age 35 goes from 1 in 200 pregnancies to 1 in 4. My own health has deteriorated significantly in the last year and I already know that I have a genetic anomaly, one that I have passed on to my oldest, but each child is like a new genetic bullet in the gun. My emphysema and osteoarthritis have become increasingly restrictive, almost to the point where I worry that I won't be around for my current children when they reach adolesence.
- Emotionally: At what family size do other pressures start making us stressed to th point of being less than grateful? Is it when the children outnumber the adults? Or is it just the ages of the children being so close? Instead of multiplying the love, is there a point of diminishing return for every one? This is not to criticize larger families than ours, but merely questions that we both had asked ourselves.
The second option, Mrs. Madman took off the table, as she did not feel confident in her ability to carry the child to term and then surrender the child. I feel much the same way. Our first child did not become "real" to me until the obstetrician waved the magic doptone wand and we heard the heart beat for the first time. This is not to take anything away from mothers, or parents who are able to offer their children for adoption. I admire greatly parents (or single mothers) that are able to do this, even if it feels selfish to them, I can think of no more selfless an act. We would end up back to the first option.
The algebra of family dynamics is always difficult. And it is difficult to come to terms that the third choice was really the best choice for everyone involved. At least with the situation the way it stands today. It's hard to say that a million dollar windfall yesterday would have meant we kept the pregnancy, when no amount of a windfall today could bring the pregnancy back. I'm...sad, a little bereft.
All of that being said, I am now more fervently in the pro-choice camp than I ever was before. If my daughters were to face the same difficult choice, would I prefer that they be able to make that choice without fear of guilt or retribution? Should they be able to obtain it safely from a qualified physician rather than risk finding death at the hands of a back-alley practitioner? I find myself very strongly of the opinion of safe, legal, but rare. Could some of the stressors that led to this decision be alleviated by more positive state and federal action? Yes, most likely. Would more consistent help for those along the border economically have tipped the scales the other way? Possibly.
But, for now, none of that matters. All I can do now is stand by my spouse and support her. This has been one of the most trying of decisions we have ever faced. As a man, I feel guilty that the only pain I will feel as a result of this decision is limited to psychic and emotional pain. We both feel we've made the right decision, for us. We're just not sure of what the dawn will bring.
Update It has been pointed out kindly in the comments below that my statistics for Down's are slightly overstated in this diary. From Wikipedia's article on Trisomy 21
Maternal age influences the chances of conceiving a baby with Down syndrome. At maternal age 20 to 24, the probability is 1/1490; at age 40 the probability is 1/60, and at age 49 the probability is 1/11.
I apologise for the error
Update II
I want to thank everyone for all the love and support thats been expressed in the comments below. I really have loved being on this site and you folks have proved that while we occasionally may be a three ring circus, we are a loving three-ringed circus. I always disliked the updates that thanked everyone for their first rec'd diary, but here I am thanking you for my first rec'd diary. I wish it could have been on a more pleasant topic, but once again I want to thank you. Mrs. Madman also says Hi and thanks for all the love.